5 (jaylor) forever fearless nights and a mirrorball spotlight

chapter sixteen.

"Taylor, baby." A voice murmured through the silk sheets. I feel a hand stroking my arm in soft circles and opened an eye with a smile. "It's Christmas."
I look over at Adam, his face inches away from mine. Then, I turn and face the ceiling. All the smiles, soft circles on my arm and red cheeks couldn't take away from what had happened before I'd fallen asleep the night before.

My back pressed against the sheets. Once, they used to tickle - but now, it's just more knives in the back. My hands against his chest as I try to get the weight of him, the weight of what he was doing... off of me. Trying to stop the inevitable. My tears staining the pillow, I know they'll forever be tainted with this moment. These moments. They're becoming so much more frequent.

The fight had been a bad one - this was back when I actually argued back.

"What do you fucking mean?" Adam slams a fist down on the table, sending shivers down my spine. "Do you not want to spend Christmas with me? Is that it?"
I hate seeing him like this. Hate seeing how he'd become flushed with anger in a few moments. How... in mere seconds, fire could swallow him whole.

"You know that's not why I asked you." I'd just asked him why he hadn't let me accept my parent's invite to celebrate Christmas with them. We'd received the invite a month ago but he'd said no. And until now, until Christmas Eve... I'd not questioned him about it. Not even once.
It would be the second Christmas that he'd not let me see my parents over the Christmas break.
"Oh? It wasn't?" He stood up, his chair flying back behind him. "Baby - you know I just want to be able to spend Christmas with you. Just you."
"You promised that this ye-"
"Fuck, Taylor! Do you not want to be with me? What the fuck? I just... I'd organised a great day for you on Christmas... okay? Fuck. That's why I said no to your parents. It was supposed to be a fucking surprise." He glared up at the ceiling and I shake my head, frustrated.
I get up from the table and go and sit on the chair by the window.
"Oh yeah - do what you're best at. Walk away." He muttered under his breath. "Fucking walk away."
"Adam-"
"No. You know what?" Adam was storming over to me, his hands out in front of him. Something about this moment, even before he'd hit me, before he'd laid a finger on me... something in me knew that I wouldn't forget. Some things just can't be forgotten. Some things cause so much pain that it's impossible.

He grabbed my arm, pulling me from my chair. I haven't eaten enough today, and the sudden movement makes me almost pass out.
"You see this?" He stalked me over to the Christmas tree, where he picked up a box. Wrapped in light blue paper with blue ribbon. The ribbon - so soft and shiny.
"This was it. Your fucking surprise." He threw it towards me, and I couldn't move in time to catch it. Whatever it was, shattered in the box. But it wasn't the only thing to break that day. "I just wanted it to be nice for you, but you've ruined it." He turned away from me, shaking his head. As if he can't believe what I've done. "Fuck, Taylor."

I crouch down on the floor. The slam of the door sends me into panic as he storms out. It feels like he took every breath I have left away with him too.
Pulling the box up, off the floor... hearing the broken pieces inside. Taking it back to the pink velvet chair, the sun beginning to set over the city of my dying dreams. The dreams I had... fading further and further beneath the surface.
Opening the box, and seeing... that inside it, was a mess of broken glass. It had been a piano. A grand piano. And there had been a note.
Telling me that we were going to the opera.

He hadn't calmed down when he walked through the door again. I knew because he slammed it shut. Knew, because he'd sent shivers down my spine.
"Taylor." His voice called and I felt myself jump... even though I knew he was there. "Where are you." It wasn't a question. I knew it wasn't. Most things weren't even questions these days.
But I didn't answer him. I knew what happened when I did.
"I can't believe you, baby. Lately... it's just... you've been testing me. First, you get a fucking abortion without telling me. We could have had a kid together, you know? Like what the fuck? Then, you complain about the fact we can't spend Christmas with your parents. All in the span of a few weeks." His voice was creeping closer. "You know what? I'm beginning to think I should just kill mys-" I hate it when he says this, because sometimes... sometimes it seems like he actually will.
"Adam." I should know that speaking is a mistake. It's happened often enough to know, but I do it anyway. He likes it when I tell him that I'd miss him, that I need him. He likes it when I beg for him to live. I stand up from the chair - the first time since he'd walked out the door... and search for him. In the back of my mind, I'm pretty sure that I know how it's going to go, but I keep moving forward anyway.