5 (jaylor) forever fearless nights and a mirrorball spotlight

chapter seven.

Taylor was helping Thea do her hair for figure skating when the other kids came home. Every single day, they'd come bouncing up to her, wherever she was, and they'd tell her everything that happened in their day. All at once. With no pauses. They didn't stop until they'd all told her every single detail from the moment they left the car in the morning, to when they walked through the door in the evening.

Luca made it to Thea's room first, bursting through the door and telling the two of them about how he entered a spelling bee competition and knows he's going to win.
Taylor was just about to tell him how proud she was of him for entering that competition, when Nora came through the door too and announced that she had also entered the competition.
Taylor groaned on the inside because this was going to end badly.
"You're a copycat!" Luca yelled.
"I am not!" Nora exclaims. "Literally everyone knows that I'm the best speller in our year!"
"Oh really? Well-"
Taylor pauses on Thea's hair. She's just braiding the front of it so that it doesn't get in her way when she's skating.
"Let's take this down to the kitchen. Come on," she takes all of them back downstairs, finding Elena on the way. Elena was just glad to be home again. And looked as if she just wanted to go to sleep. Taylor stopped to see her in the hallway.
"Are you okay?" Taylor asked her. "How was school?"
Elena smiled, looking up at her Mom, her blue eyes sparkling. "I can count all the way to one hundred." She said, and Taylor bent down in front of her, kissing her forehead.
"Wow! That is so cool! See? You are doing so great at maths!" A few weeks ago, Elena had come home in tears because she didn't think she was ever going to understand maths, understand numbers. But here she was, so excited because she could count all the way to one hundred. "I am so proud of you, baby!" Taylor grinned. "I think that deserves a cookie, don't you?"
"Maybe even two?" Elena giggled as she followed her mother down the stairs.
Nora and Luca had taken their argument into the kitchen, where Joe was hearing all about it.
"Mom! You have to tell her that I signed up first!" Luca exclaimed.
"That's not fair, Luca!" Nora was getting angrier and angrier by the moment, and Taylor found herself asking what more she was going to have to deal with today. "I've always been better at spelling than you, and you've never even done a spelling bee before-" 
"Alright, you two," Joe spoke, his voice calm, but firm enough to get both of their attention. "Both of you are allowed to enter the spelling bee."
"But-" Nora tried speaking, but Taylor interrupted her. 
"This is not a conversation for now. Luca, you have ballet in an hour and you have to get there early, remember? Nora, you have an assignment to finish before tomorrow. We will discuss it when everybody is calm and when everyone gets home. But you are both allowed to join the spelling bee."
Nora turned to Luca, sticking out her tongue. "I'm smarter than you and I will win."
"Nora," Taylor sighed. "Apologise to your brother."
"Why?" She groaned. "I didn't do anything."
"Nora. Apologise now." Joe told her. 
"Fine. Sorry." She mutters before grabbing her bag and heading up to her room.

Joe had known that four kids were going to be a challenge, had known that handling them all would sometimes be hard, but he didn't quite expect it to be this difficult. 
He wasn't even sure what Taylor had to talk to him about, but all he knew, was that he didn't want to have to go away tomorrow. 
He didn't want to have to fly to Australia for the movie, didn't want to have to leave Taylor dealing with the whirlwind that was their family. 
He was responsible for taking Luca to ballet, while Taylor, Elena and Nora went with Thea to figure skating. 
"It's not fair, dad," Luca told him the moment they got in the car. "It's always, always Nora that gets to do those things. I want to do the spelling bee too."
"Of course you can do the spelling bee," Joe told him as they started driving. "You're great at spelling."
"But Nora is better." Luca sighed. "She's better at everything at school."
Joe looked at his son through the rearview mirror. "No, she's not. You two are completely different people. You're both good at different things."
"People always tell me that she's smarter than me." Luca was deflated. 
"You're allowed to be good at different things, Luca. She couldn't do ballet in the way that you can. There doesn't need to be competition between you-"
"It's not fair. People don't care. And all my teachers keep telling me about how great she's doing and I know they're going to say that on my report card. They're all going to tell me to be more like Nora."
"I don't want you to be like Nora," Joe smiled. "We've already got one of those, and that's enough. Your Mom and I just want you to be Luca. We don't care what your grades are, we don't care about that when there are so many other important things for you to be learning. School only teaches you so much. You know lots. And I bet that if your teachers saw you dancing, they'd see exactly who you are."
"I'm always in Nora's shadow though." Joe hadn't realised that Luca was feeling this way, he'd never spoken about it before. 
"We just want you to be happy," Joe told him. "You don't need to be in her shadow, Luca. You're great enough to be in the spotlight."
Joe smiled when Luca did and was relieved that he'd managed to say something that made him feel better. There was nothing worse than when a member of your family wasn't feeling right when there was something going on... on the inside. When no one could see it or feel it.

Taylor was sitting beside Nora, who was working hard on a project for her history class on her iPad. Elena was sitting right up the front watching Thea.
There wasn't anything Taylor loved more than watching her kids do the things they loved, the things that made their hearts sparkle. And watching Thea on the ice, her hair billowing out behind her, her face calm. She knew that skating for Thea, was what singing was for her. She understood that feeling completely. 
Feeling like everything that's going on outside of the ice rink stopped as soon as she started skating. Feeling like finally, the world was not tilted on its axis anymore, and finally, there was a little bit of clarity. Finally, you could see clearly. Finally, you felt free from that darkness. She knew exactly what Thea felt as she was skating.
Her coach had her learning a new jump, and Taylor couldn't help but feel stressed for her about that. She knew that Thea herself wasn't worried about it, in fact, Thea loved learning new spins, new routines and jumps. But Taylor knew that so much could go wrong, and she was just petrified of it. 
Elena loved supporting Thea by sitting right up the front, always clapping and gasping. Taylor loved how much her kids supported one another, minus the incident of this afternoon between Nora and Luca... they were all kind and supportive towards one another. 

The sun was fading behind the skyline when they headed home. Nora had finished her assignment and Elena was excited to get home and eat dinner. On the nights where they were all out until late, Taylor had to make sure that dinner was prepared before they came home. Luckily, all she had to do now, was turn on the oven and wait for it to heat up.
She couldn't wait for the kids to go to bed when she would finally have time to talk to Joe. She didn't want him to go. She didn't want him to be halfway across the world. She felt so much pressure when he was away. 

And although she knew that she'd done it before, and in reality, they'd see each other again in a couple of weeks... she always felt on edge when he wasn't around to keep her steady. 
She always panicked that she might have a flashback, that something might happen to her while Joe wasn't there. 
It was something she spent a lot of sleepless nights thinking about. She didn't want to be worried about it, because, at the end of the day, she knew it was unnecessary. She sometimes felt that if she worried about something enough, it wouldn't happen. Taylor knew that was stupid, but it was so hard to get herself out of that mindset. 

Thea was the last to go to bed, Taylor giving her a big hug before saying goodnight.
"Thanks, mom."
"I'm always here to listen, Thea. No matter what it is, you can talk to me. Even if you don't know how to say it, I am here. I promise. Always."
"I know, Mom. I should have come to you sooner." Thea told her sadly, and Taylor reached out and cupped her cheek.
"I'm just glad you told me now. It's going to be okay, Theabear." Thea smiled, because her mom always, always told her the exact words she needed to hear. She nodded. 
"Goodnight, Mom."
"Goodnight, my favourite Theabear." Taylor kissed her cheek, and Thea headed to bed. 
It had been a big day, and she was tired.

"Hey, you." Finally, they were alone. Finally, they were getting a moment to themselves. 
"Are we going to need alcohol?" Joe asked as Taylor sat down beside him on the couch. "I'm sure we have some lying around."
"I don't think I could drink any, even if I wanted to," Taylor admitted. She was exhausted. Today had been emotionally draining. "I don't even know where to begin."
"Just come right out and say it," Joe sighed. 
Taylor bit her lip. These just weren't words that you ever wanted to say. 
"When I went after Thea this morning," She could already feel her eyes beginning to water. "She was in the bathroom. The door was shut and... and I think that a part of me knew before I even saw it." Taylor felt herself unravel. 
"No..." Joe sounded as heartbroken as he was. "No." He shook his head.
"I didn't want it to be true, but it was. I think she's feeling better now. And... and she also told me that she thinks... she thinks she's got an eating disorder." The words hurt even more when she said them. "And I think that it's my fault, Joe. I mean, I had an eating disorder and I read that they can be passed down and-"
Joe reached over and took Taylor's hand.  "Love, stop this." He murmured quietly. "That's not what we have to focus on. What we have to focus on is how we can help her feel better." Joe paused. "We don't need to fix her, because she's not broken. We just need to help her." 
Taylor looked over at him and smiled through her tears. 
Because she knew that when you felt like Thea did, you did feel broken. And a lot of people made you feel broken, too. People try to fix you as if you're a broken vase as if you're something that needs to be repaired. But you're not a broken teacup, you're perfectly human.  People are quick to point out the cracked parts, but never notice the healing. Picking yourself back up again and healing yourself. 

Thea wasn't broken, just like Taylor wasn't when she was feeling shattered. It's not broken. And besides, it isn't the broken parts that matter, it's the cracks that you've healed, the ones that are invisible to everyone else. It's the ones that you glued back together again, the ones that you look at one day and realise are gone, that truly matter.