5 (jaylor) forever fearless nights and a mirrorball spotlight

chapter eleven.

"I just don't know what I'm meant to do. I'm the bad guy because I won't let her have a boyfriend? I'm the bad guy because I'm trying to think about how that impacts her? We can't fucking leave the house without the cameras following us every step we take. Do I want to bring another family into that when she's only fifteen?" Blake sat in the chair, her knees hugged tightly to her chest.
They'd spent two hours here now, and neither of them were ready to get up and move on with their day.

"She's only fifteen." Blake repeated. "Sometimes I wish I could scream at the paparazzi, you know? Like, my kids should be able to do whatever they want. They should be able to go to an ice-cream shop with their friends, they should be able to go shopping for prom without worrying about cameras following their every move. Sometimes it's just impossible. Sometimes I just wish I could snap my fingers and watch them all fly away. James is old enough to hate them now. She's old enough to feel the pressure of the eyes watching her. She won't go out without checking what she's wearing in the mirror ten times. It just shouldn't be like that. They're just kids. She shouldn't look at what she's wearing and be like, oh, they won't like this."
"They've never been... just kids." Taylor's sighed. Thea had gotten to be just a kid for a while - and that was purely because both her and Joe had managed to keep her a secret for so long that she'd gotten to experience a little bit of freedom. But as soon as they knew about her, as soon as they knew there was a kid involved... the camera's doubled.
"It's just like how we've never gotten to be... just parents." Taylor added. "We aren't shitty people because we had kids in this life." She'd come to terms with that - she'd spent countless hours talking it through with her therapist. Although, occasionally, the words of her father still haunted her midnight hours. Sometimes she couldn't get it out. She had forgiven him years ago, but she still hadn't forgotten the pain that moment had brought her. But now, she'd realised that having kids was the best thing that could ever happen to her.

She wasn't a bad person for having children. She was allowed to have kids in this chaotic life. "We aren't terrible people because we admit that this week has been hard. I mean, Joe's only been gone a few hours and it's been really hard."
She loved how open and honest she could be with Blake - how they told each other everything. They didn't hide anything.
Blake sighed. "It was nice of Karlie to do that for you."
Taylor smiled. "It was, I guess. I can't say that I was expecting that. I mean, we send each other Christmas cards, but that's about it." She paused. "Sometimes I really wonder if it's ever going to stop. I just get through one rough patch and he throws something else into the mix." She shook her head. "It just makes me so fucking mad how he's still controlling things. I've been taught how to keep control, how to make sure he doesn't hold any over me - but it's just fucking impossible. He comes back with something new, some new puzzle piece that threatens to tear apart everything."
Blake shook her head. "He's a fucking idiot."
Taylor laughed. Once upon a time, she wouldn't have been able to laugh about something like that, but now she could. She was proud of herself.
"Soon enough he's going to run out of shit to say." Taylor said, smiling. "Thank you for coming over. It was exactly what I needed."
"Me too. Now I can go and prepare for the storm that's coming when the girls get home. And I was thinking - it's so odd that we haven't seen Lizzie's parents, don't you think? I don't even know how I'd ask her parents if she would like to go and watch the figure skating."
Taylor nodded. "They've never been to anything we've gone to, no school plays or competitions or anything."
"Has Thea ever said anything out of the ordinary?" Blake asked. She stood up and moved over to the kitchen to rinse out her mug.
"You don't need to do that!" Taylor got up and did the same. "But no, Thea's never mentioned anything. Lizzie always comes around here but, but she's not allowed to stay for sleepovers and and she's got to be home by six." The more Taylor thought about it, the weirder it was. "Do you think I should ask Thea about it?"
Blake nodded. "I'll ask Betty and I'll keep you updated. Oh - and maybe on Saturday night we could FaceTime and wrap Christmas presents?"
"Perfect." Taylor smiled.