5 (jaylor) forever fearless nights and a mirrorball spotlight

chapter twelve.

"Hi guys! I thought I would pop on here and do a little 'cooking with Flo!'" Florence beamed into her camera. "I hope you're all as excited as I am! Now, the lighting in the trailer isn't as good as the lighting in my kitchen, I think we can all agree on that. What I didn't tell you when I said I might do cooking with Flo today - is that I actually have a special guest." Florence paused, and Joe couldn't help but chuckle from the corner of the room. "I have also given the request to say hi to a certain someone - but I will get to that in a minute!"
"Do we all want to see who it is?" Florence asked before she posted the story. "We've got to keep them hanging for a bit, you know?" She smiled.
Joe's phone buzzed and he pulled it out of his pocket. Dad! The message read. Florence is on ah!  Then, another message, Was she talking about me? I can't breathe!

His texts from Thea made him grin.
"Wow, you're so mean!" Joe laughed. "Thea is currently saying she can't breathe."
Florence laughed. "Oh my goodness, Joe. I swear you have the cutest kids ever. Did she really say that?" 
"Of course!" Joe showed her the phone and Florence squealed. 
"Ah! Can I send her the video now?" She beamed. Joe nodded. 
"Hiiii Theeeeaaaa!" Florence grinned as she pressed record. "I hope you really can breathe - don't stop doing it on my account! Anyway, I am about to post the first Instagram story!" Florence blew a kiss to the camera and Joe knew that if Thea hadn't stopped breathing before that, she definitely would have now. 
"She's such a sweetheart!" Florence squeaked. "You and Taylor make the best babies." 
Joe nodded. "We get told that a lot," He laughed. 
"There! I've sent it. If she replies, you have to let me know!" Florence handed Joe's phone back to him and turned back to her own camera. 

It didn't take long for Thea to reply. "She said that she made Taylor jump with how loud she screamed." Joe laughed. 
"Aw! What a cutie!" Florence smiled. "Okay, I am getting hundreds of messages asking who the special guest is." Florence turned to Joe. "Are you ready? Ah, this is going to be so fun!"
Joe nodded. "Until I get a phone call from Taylor saying that Thea has actually collapsed from the excitement of it all!" 
Florence burst out laughing. "It still blows my mind how much some people love us, like sometimes I am in the shower and it just hits me out of nowhere. Like there are literally thousands... millions of strangers that care about it, that love us. I mean, obviously, Thea loves you to pieces because you're her dad, but the fact that Joe Alwyn's daughter loves me? Mind-blowing." 
Joe shook his head. "It really is amazing. Like, the amount of attention that we get is crazy. Scary, even." Joe admitted. "We're never able to be just... normal people. I mean, you literally have thousands and thousands of people watching you cooking your dinner." This made Florence laugh. She shrugged. 
"I suppose that is a little weird," She grinned. "You're telling me that not everyone has thousands of people worrying that your dog ate a piece of garlic on the floor because you made a comment that one time and now people can't forget about it?! Literally. Sometimes I don't even cook with garlic and I still get people messaging me being like 'oh, don't let dogs eat that and blah blah blah'" 
Joe laughed. "Well, one time Taylor and I were on the front page of just about every tabloid in the world because we had the audacity to let the kids dress exactly how they wanted - which supposedly isn't okay because they didn't look like little grownups?" Joe rolled his eyes as he remembered what a hard time they got when they let Thea wear rainbow tights, a bright blue frilly skirt, a bright purple t-shirt and a pink sequin jacket to a red carpet event. Because they'd let Thea wear a fairy dress, and Nora wearing her favourite skirt. They'd still occasionally get people asking them about that choice, which always annoyed Taylor and Joe. Their kids were kids. Just kids. Famous or not - Taylor and Joe weren't going to control what they wore. They were kids, and they were allowed to act like it. "But anyway - you'd better introduce me." He grinned. 

Taylor was rushing about the house trying to clean everything. There was a lot to do before they had to leave for Christmas.
"MOMMY!" Elena loved standing at the top of the stairs and screaming for Taylor. It was her new favourite thing to do. "CAN WE PLEASEEEEE GET THE CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS OUTTTT!" 
Taylor paused in the office, leaning against the wall. Thea was in her room writing an essay. She hadn't been impressed when Taylor had told her she had to leave the door open. Taylor just couldn't take the risk. She knew all the strategies, better than anyone. And she wasn't risking it with Thea. But Thea hadn't argued against it. Luca was sitting at the dining table studying for the spelling bee, and Nora was practising a speech in her room.
"MOM!" Now Thea was calling her name. "Florence is with Dad!" 
Taylor sighed, looking up at the ceiling. This was hard, and each day came with a new chaotic event. 
Taylor put on her best smile before she headed back into the hallway. 
"Elena, it's too early, and we aren't even here for Christmas-" Taylor tried to tell her, but Elena wasn't having it. 
"But Billie has her one out! And they're out in the classroom too!" She argued. 
"Okay. Okay." Taylor breathed. "We'll go up and see what we can find in a little while - if you tidy up all of your teddies." She told her softly. 
Elena frantically nodded her head and ran towards her room. "Come on Mr Patty, let's get you guys all cleaned up!" Of course, that bear had been inspired by Patrick.

Taylor swore that all of the kids had toys named after Patrick in one form or another. She missed him. They'd get to see each other again at Christmas and she couldn't wait to meet Henry. There were so many things she was excited about, so much so that she could barely keep track of it all.
Taylor peeked her head around Elena's door and saw her carefully places all of her teddy bears on her windowsill - apart from the ones that she slept with. Taylor counted every teddy Lena had sprawled across the floor when she made her bed in the morning, and she was sure that Elena slept with fourteen teddy bears. 
Taylor heard a loud scream and felt her heart being ripped from her chest. She ran as fast as she could into Thea's room, her heart racing faster than it had ever beaten before. 
"What's wrong? Are you okay? Are you hurt-"
"MOM! Florence sent me a video! A video... Florence Pugh just sent me a video!" Thea exclaimed, jumping up and down, clutching her phone to her chest. 
She couldn't get her heart to slow down. "Wow!" She said breathlessly. "That's amazing, Theabear!" 
"Dad's on!" Thea held out her phone towards Taylor, and she smiled. 
Taylor missed him more and more every single day. It got harder the longer they were apart. The more she just wanted to go running into his arms, the more she just wanted the family back together again. 
She looked at Joe, who'd hair was so delicately brushed out of his face, his beard nicely trimmed for the role he had to play, and she sighed. The place was empty without him. 
"Do you know what?" Taylor had an idea. Something to bring them closer together. It was a Saturday afternoon, but that didn't matter. It was grey and raining outside. 
"What?" Thea asked, smiling. She barely looked up from the screen. Taylor just grinned. 
Thea didn't even glance up as her mother slipped from the room without another word. 

Once, a long, long time ago, she'd done something with Joe and she wanted to do it again. Right now. 
"Mom?" Luca asked from his doorway. "What are you doing?" He was used to seeing her like this - when she had an idea, she'd head straight to the piano. But he was confused, because this time, she wasn't heading for the piano. Not even the guitar or the ukulele. She was heading up to the attic. 
"It's a surprise." She smiled as she headed up the ladder and disappeared into the attic. 
It wasn't the same attic as the one she'd surprised Joe in all the way back then - back in Joe's apartment, back with the bookshelves covered in poetry. Back in his apartment... the one that was the first place she learned what love truly was. Back when she found out that home had nothing to do with chairs, tables, beds and walls, and everything to do with who you share those things with. The person you wake up beside every morning. The person you think of before you go to sleep at night and the person you think of as soon as the sun rises. Back when they'd just started their wondrous journey together. 

She'd been so excited, all those years ago when she had discovered that his apartment contained an attic. It was a stormy, cold night, and Taylor could still feel it playing on a film reel in her mind. She remembered how she'd pinned up a sheet to one of the walls with no windows, how she'd run about the house finding pillows and blankets to make sure it was perfect. Searching through boxes to find all the Christmas lights that she'd convinced him to buy because before he met her, he hated the holidays. They still had those lights now - even though some of them had stopped dancing rainbows across the tree, even though they were so old. Sometimes, there were things that were just too special to throw out. Now, they decorated Luca's room. She remembered how she had stared down at the cosy place she had created, and felt so proud. 
When she'd finally finished and had headed back downstairs and Joe had been playing Daylight on the piano, humming it softly. How she felt nervous when she took his hand and pulled him up the stairs towards the attic. 
The projector that was playing all of her favourite videos and photos of them together. Secret kisses on the cheek, selfies and hands on waistlines. Joe, looking up from his poetry, grinning as he realised that Taylor was filming him. Taylor was on the piano, her hair in two messy plaits as she was trying to come up with new song ideas. When the two of them had screamed from the top of a cliff together. A video Joe had taken of Taylor standing on the rocks at their Rhode Island home. She still had that exact video, the slide show of all of her favourite moments. When they'd gone to the Lake District for the first time and Joe had been petrified of the horses. Taylor had a video of him jumping when the horse took a step closer to him. 
She laughed just thinking about it. 

By the time Taylor even realised what she'd done - she realised that she'd created it again. There were a few more boxes this time of course, but the sight of it brought tears to her eyes. 
It was almost exactly the same - apart from the new Christmas tree lights and the fact they weren't just in an apartment anymore. They were in their family home, the kids downstairs. 
"MOM IT'S ALL CLEAN AND PATPAT WANTS YOU TO PUT UP THE CHRISTMAS TREE!" Elena called out and Taylor laughed.
"Alright," She said, heading back down the ladder. 
"Luca! Nora, Thea!" Taylor called. "Come here!"
"Mom, I have work to do-" Nora said as she came out of her room, confused as to why the ladder leading to the attic was down.
They were all standing around the ladder, Thea finally taking her eyes off of Joe and Florence cooking together. 
"It can wait," Taylor smiled. "It's the things like this moment you're going to remember in the future, okay? Not what grade you get on your speech." She leaned over and kissed Nora's forehead. "Up we go." 
"Up there?!" Luca asked, shocked. 
"Yes," Taylor laughed. "Come on, all of you."
Elena squealed with excitement. "An adventure! Like The Famous Five!" Taylor had just started to read those books to her, and Lena was a little obsessed. 
"Come on, guys." Thea led the way. "Who knows what else Mom has planned?" 

Elena went up before Taylor, and Taylor loved hearing each of the kids reacting to what they saw up at the top of the stairs. 
"Wow!" Luca had exclaimed. 
Thea had sat down on the pillow, and Nora was busy investigating the boxes. 
Elena ran towards the bed of pillows and dived into them.
"What are we going up here?" Thea asked softly. 
Taylor looked at her with a smile. "We are going to have some family time."
"But Dad's not here." Luca sighed. 
"He is," Taylor nodded. "He's always here." She pointed at her heart, clutching her chest before reaching over to Elena and tickling her. "He's here," She murmured as she tickled her chest. "Dad's always with you, even when he's far away."
"He can't tell me I can't have another cookie when he's not here-" Elena laughed as she fell backwards into the cushions. 

"What's this?" Thea asked after they'd watched old family videos. Elena was still insistent that they had to put up the Christmas decorations, and wasn't going to leave without them.
Taylor walked over to the old box that Thea was looking at. 
She remembered a little bit about what this box had in it, and she hadn't had to face it in a really long time.
"Oh, that's just full of old clothes." She grit her teeth. When you've suffered from an eating disorder, there's no such this as just old clothes. They're clothes that she wore when she starved herself to be the version of herself that she had thought she wanted. They are a reminder of what Taylor's body used to be like - when she thought that she was happy. 
"Can I have a look?" Thea asked tentatively. It had gotten the attention of both Elena and Nora, now. All three girls were crowded around the box. 
Taylor didn't want to open the box of nightmares. The box of darkness. Clothes she wore when she wasn't healthy. She'd worked so hard to get to where she was now, and she didn't want anything to bring her back. 
"Of course you can," She smiled, but she turned away from the box and went to go and sit back down with Luca. "What's wrong?" She asked him gently. 
"Nothing... I'm just practising spelling words in my head." He looked over at his Mom and grinned. 
Taylor smiled. "You'll do great. And you know your Dad and I will still be proud of you, no matter what." She leaned over and kissed his forehead. "We will always be proud of you. No matter what."
"Thanks, Mom." Luca smiled. 
"Mom, can I have this?" Thea asked as she pulled out a white sweater. Taylor didn't even need to see the word written in black across the front of it. She knew exactly what it was. 
She'd loved this sweater. She'd worn it for ages, and it had been her most favourite thing in her entire wardrobe. Until Adam had come into her life and told her that she shouldn't wear it anymore. Because it looked too tight on her - even though it swam on her. She had been so skinny when she had worn it. She'd been at the point in her life where she'd been about the pass out from walking up the stairs, from standing up too quickly.
"What does it say?" Elena asked as she stared up at the sweater. 
"Genius," Luca answered before Nora, proud of himself. 
"I love it!" Thea held it up against herself and smiled. 
"It's yours," Taylor answered. "You can go through the whole box," She told Thea. It was nice to see the sparkle back in her eyes, the sparkles that should never have to leave a person.
Thea slipped the Genius sweater over her head and did a twirl. It fit her perfectly. 
"Beautiful." Taylor smiled. She like that these clothing items, the ones that had once caused her so much pain were now making her daughter so happy. 
"It still smells like you!" Thea smiled. "I am never, ever taking this off."
Taylor grinned. "I'm sure you'll find something else you'll love in there too."
"What about meeeee?!" Elena sighed. "I want something of Mommy's too!" 
Taylor sighed, knowing that she'd have to face her past and go over towards the box. She could find something in there for Elena. 
"And me!" Nora added. 
Taylor stood up and went over to the box, breathing slowly. She was pretty good at keeping the panic under control now, but this was still really hard. 

She pulled out a light blue t-shirt that she still remembered wearing. She probably would have kept this shirt for herself if Adam hadn't told her she'd cropped it too short and it didn't suit her because it made her waist look wide. The top was covered in different cats, and Elena squealed as soon as Taylor pulled it out. 
"MINE!" She screamed. She ran forward and took the shirt from Taylor. It was way too big for her, but she loved it anyway. 
Taylor pulled out another yellow shirt, not being able to help herself. She smiled. The shirt took her back to the time of Tumblr and private swiftie jokes. The shirt said no it's Becky on it, and Taylor still loved that joke. The shirt wouldn't fit her now - and it took her a moment to tell herself that it was okay. She didn't want the shirt to fit her. She didn't want to be over-exercising and barely eating. She was healthy, and her body had created four beautiful children. Nothing else mattered. She didn't need to be a size double zero to be beautiful, she didn't need it. She was beautiful exactly how she was, and the fact that her body had been able to create such sweet, loving and gorgeous children... that was the important part. 
"I want that one!" Nora smiled. 
Taylor handed it to her, a smile covering her face. 
These clothes had been a part of her, but she loved who she was now so much more. 

She still remembered the night that Adam had told her the sweater was too tight on her like the palm of her hand, but the memory didn't hurt anymore. She remembered where she was standing in her apartment when he told her that she'd cropped her shirt too much and now she looked fat. She remembered all of it. Once upon a time, it would have hurt her. Once upon a time, it would have stung, it would have threatened to stop her progress. But now? Now, she could feel the memory flash past her eyes, but she could leave it at that. As a memory. Not feelings. They didn't make her want to hurt herself, they didn't make her feel unsafe. They didn't make her scared, didn't make her wish she was still a size double zero. They didn't make her feel the scars on her arm, didn't make her feel as if there were splotches of ink covering her skin from where she'd been hurt. She didn't feel like she'd been painted over in grey, didn't feel the darkness descend. It was nothing but a memory. A memory that brought her here. To this moment, with her beautiful kids. 

This is exactly what she'd meant when she'd written, all of those years ago, about feeling clean.