I'm a Mermaid, Not a Merman

Chapter 24

Danny laid back in one of the chairs on the patio, likely getting a bad burn from the early August sun. He didn't care. He wanted the feeling of the warmth on his face. He wanted a distraction from the ultimatum that Mom wanted - whether he should be registered as a girl or a boy for the next year of school.

If he changed his mind, it wouldn't be the end of the world of course - he was glad that he wasn't in another country, or some private school where he had to have a uniform. It would however, alter his interaction with teachers, other students, and make things just... really messy.

He didn't know what he wanted anymore. He'd started to realize that the enjoyment he'd gotten, the thrill from living as a girl had been temporary - even if he did end up feel more comfortable identifying as his biological sex, it would never have that crazy feeling of euphoria, of excitement that it'd had at the start.

Living as a boy though... it felt normal. It was what he was used to. He would however, if he decided to identify as a boy, encounter a lot of difficulties. Most among them, the fact that he would have difficulties in the future. It could lead to health complications. He would have periods no matter what. He wouldn't be able to have biological children.

Whatever path he chose, he realized it would be complicated. He'd grudgingly gone to the therapist that Dr. Taylor had suggested, and after two sessions, he had decided that he couldn't deny that he was attracted to guys. Maybe if he dated girls he would feel something at some point - but at the moment, the thought of being with a girl... it felt hollow somehow.

The thought of being gay brought the same nervousness as choosing to identify as a girl. It would change how people viewed him, not necessarily in a negative way, but even people that were supportive of that would view him differently. Inside himself though, he still just felt constant confusion. Being with a guy scared him - but he couldn't deny that he'd felt something for Liam. Dwelling on that fact brought him both anxiety and excitement. He'd gone with the idea his whole life that he was going to be married and have children with a girl - and this new realization changed all of that.

Perhaps he was bisexual. If that was the case, it might offer the opportunity to decide to transition to being a woman later on... but that would be if his partner was bi or pan. Even if he transitioned to being his biological sex now, he would still endure pain with future boyfriends - he would feel obligated to tell them he had once lived as a boy, and risk another painful break up - and this time, it could end much worse.

But what if the inverse happened? What if he got into a relationship with a girl, or a guy, but decided to be male? How would they react upon telling them he was biological female? What if they were angry at him for harming his body in this way? Realization came to him that this was what every trans man had to deal with - but of course, they usually weren't born with a closed vagina like he was.

Danny turned on his side. The wooden chair wasn't really good for relaxing. Of course, the pain he was in wasn't helping - what he now knew as his period. Did he really want to go through pregnancy? Did he really want to become a mother? Did he want to do the things necessary to get to that point?

A year ago, or even before the start of the summer, the answer would've been no. But then he'd found he was attracted to guys. Now... no it didn't sound too bad... maybe... maybe even the idea intrigued him a bit...

All this boiled down to anger at himself. His psychiatrist seemed to be frustrated. He would talk the whole appointment, she'd say something like "so you've decided that you want to be a girl then?" and then he would brush it off. He just didn't want to commit to anything. He didn't want to make a choice. 

Living intersex had originally seemed very distasteful to him, but perhaps he could manage it. It would allow him to go on not having to choose, even though it really did make him uncomfortable. Ever rocking back and forth...