Empty

●Chapter Twenty-Two●

Lie

"I'm fine." I said, throwing on a fake smile that was hopefully believable. 

"If you say so." He said, putting a hand on my thigh. 

"Any idea where Coach is?" I asked. I saw the look from Kuroo. He knew I wasn't okay. 

"Um, no but we're about to head back to the gym, you should find him there." Kuroo said. I nodded, I'm sure I can hold out till then. 

I followed everyone back to the gym, running to Coach as soon as I got in there. 

"Hey...Can we talk?" I asked. 

"Yeah. Takeda can take over. Let's go outside." He said. He led me to the side of the building. 

"What's up kid?" He asked. 

"It's getting worse." I said. I started fidgeting with the hem of my jersey. 

"What kind of thoughts?" He asked. 

"That I'll never be as good as them, we'll never beat any of the teams here, I don't fit into my friend group, more shit like that." I said. 

"Any self harm or suicidal thoughts?" 

"Some." I was honest. 

"How bad are those, scale of one to ten."

"Those ones are like a four at the moment. I'm just. I feel really shitty. I don't wanna play, I don't wanna do anything."

"Yeah, depression does that. It makes you not want to do things you're interested in or things you love. Sometimes you have to force yourself to do it, I know there are days I have to force myself to work at the store, play and Coach, get out of bed."

"Exactly. I really wish I could've just stayed laying today. Even though I got up earlier and showered. It wasn't horrible when I woke up, though I did wake up high."

"You guys smoked that much? No wonder yall were acting the way you were."

"Sorry."

"No, don't apologize, it's okay. Is there anything I can do right now to help you?" 
 
"I don't know. I just feel awful and I don't know what to do and I don't want it to get worse."

Cut

"Okay, try this; when these thoughts come in, contradict them. Say the opposite of what they're saying."

"Some of them are just single words, not phrases. How the fuck do you contradict those? Those are the ones bothering me the most right now." I could hear my heart pounding.

You're so worthless that you can't even help yourself. 

"If it's telling you to do something, say you're not going to do it."

"I want to hurt myself again." Tears started falling, and kept falling no matter how hard I tried to hold them back. 

"It'll be okay, do you have anything on you that you could use to hurt yourself?" He asked. 

"In my bag. Pocket knife." I nodded, remembering that's where I'd put my knife after Daichi caught me. 

"Do you mind if I get it? That way you don't have it on you."

"That's fine." I said. He left me standing for a minute or two while he went and grabbed the small knife I had stashed in my practice bag. When he came back, he let me watch him put it in his pocket so I knew it wasn't lost. 

Hurt yourself. 

"Do you want to sit out here and chill during the first set?" 

"I don't want to be alone. I can't be alone." I said. I could feel panic setting in. Before I realized what I was doing, my arms were taken and pulled out from my body. 

"Don't, scratching at yourself is just as much self harm as cutting is." So I do that without thinking now, okay. That's nice to know. I just nodded and he let me go. 

"Sorry…"

"It's okay. Calm down a little and then we'll go inside. You can sit on the bench or against the wall, whatever you feel like doing." He said. I just nodded. I closed my eyes and tried to breathe slower to try and calm down. 

Kill yourself

Cut

Worthless

Helpless

Powerless

Not worth the time

Not worth the space

Not worth the air

"Just get out of my fucking head." I whispered, letting more tears fall. Coach pulled me into a hug. 

"It'll be okay. Cry it out if you need to." He said. So I did. I stood there and cried. I can't lie, I definitely needed it. I needed to be able to just cry and not fear getting judged. After maybe 10 minutes my tears slowed down. I felt a bit better, not gonna lie. 

"Alright, head to the bathroom and try and get your eyes to be less puffy, I know I never liked people knowing when I was crying. When you're done, come out and watch the game."

"Will do. Thank you." I gave a small smile. He smiled back, nodded, and headed back in. I headed to the bathroom to splash my face with water and try to look half decent and not like I just bawled my eyes out. 

Once I was done I headed out and sat on the bench next to Coach. 

"You good?" He asked. 

"For now I guess." I replied. He gave a small smile and nodded before continuing to watch our team play against Nekoma. 

They were down a few points, but that's to be expected against Nekoma. Kuroo and Kenma, in perfect sync as always. Kageyama and Hinata, in near perfect sync, a few miscalculations here and there. Though, it's cool to see how far they both have come. I mean, when they first started they were at each other's throats to the point where we almost didn't let them join. They're still like that, but at least now they can work together on the court. 

You'll never have that kind of skill. 

Yes, yes I will. Maybe not right now, but eventually, if I work hard enough I will.

Word Count; 1551