N (WAYHAUGHT)

Chapter 11 - Oh N

Early morning and N was still missing. Everyone had spent a restless night worrying where she might be. Dolls, the clowns and dozens of helpers had searched the fields leading to town, calling out, lanterns swinging in the ceaseless rain. Cold, wet, tired they returned to the circus, ready to begin another search when it was daylight. Everyone agreed this was not like N.

She had walked for miles, clothes sodden, past caring, shivering as any remaining warmth in her body washed away. She stumbled, hitting her knee on a large stone as she went down, groaning on impact. Rolling over, biting the top of her index finger to take her mind off the pain, she sat for a while, attempting to make sense of it all, unsure what to do next, where to go.

One thing she knew, she could not sit there all night, pulling herself up, hobbling on. Her cough persistent now, her lungs burning. She wanted to be with aunty and Caspian. Safe, warm, dry. Not wandering aimlessly with nowhere to go, nowhere to run, or hobble. Where could she go? She had no home other than the circus, no family other than her circus family, no life other than what she did, day in, day out for Dolls, and Doc, and aunty, and everyone who needed her.

She understood her adopted life was one of change. She knew performers came and went, that the circus meant constant movement of people, of possessions from one town to the next. Unpack the tent, pitch the tent, perform, pack up the tent once more. Unpack, pitch, perform, pack. Unpack, pitch, perform, pack. The relentless routine for everyone involved. She knew that. She knew Waverly would need to move on eventually. She knew that.

"It be fine," she reassured herself, "it be fine." She shuffled along, each step jarring her injured knee, her breathing laboured. "I has me horse. That's all I need. Don't need no one who breaks me heart."

She stopped, wondering where she was. So far away from those she loved. "I be alright. I turn me self around. I goes back. Ruddy knee. I ain't never giving me heart. I ain't never. She can go for all I care. Ain't need no learning neither."

No longer able to go any further, her knee too painful to stand on, she sunk down against a tree, praying the rain would wash away the feelings she had for that one person who continued to dance in her mind. "Ain't having me heart," she yelled into the night. "Hears that, Waverly Earp, ain't having me heart."

The search resumed shortly after 7am. Aunty and Dolls took the cart heading away from town, the clowns were tasked with scouring the fields alongside the road into town. Waverly and Wynonna were on horseback, high enough to see over hedges into fields beyond, asking anyone who passed by if they had seen a tall lad with red hair on their journey.

A woman said she had seen someone fitting that description out by Taylor's farm, about three miles north. Said she had called out as she passed by, receiving no response, assuming the person was resting. The woman's face betrayed her thoughts. Wynonna thanked her for her time, instructing Waverly to find Dolls, sensing it would be better if she found N alone. Waverly was reluctant, wanting to go with Wynonna, she too fearing the worst. Wynonna was firm, telling her they would need the cart, that this was the most sensible thing to do. She galloped off following the directions the woman had given, Waverly heading in the opposite direction to fetch Dolls.

Wynonna rode as fast as she could, another storm was on its way. She saw her legs first, stretched out, a tear in the left leg of her trousers, the edges around which were now a deep crimson. She slowed, bringing her horse to a halt, dismounting, looking down at the pitiful sight before her. She was sure she was looking at a dead body, N's skin a pale grey colour, her cap resting over her eyes. No movement. She realised the woman who came across her had probably thought the same, not wanting to mention it. Kneeling down, she touched N's hand. Icy cold, her soaked clothes hanging on her body. Wynonna could feel tears running down her face. She heard the cart approach, Waverly trotting ahead leading the way. She wiped her eyes, trying not to let Waverly see she had been crying, trying to block her sister's view. It was no good, Waverly saw N, dismounting, running to her, shaking her by the collar.