Empty

●Chapter Four●

On our first attack, Kageyama set it over to Hinata for their quick attack. I'm not sure Nekoma is used to the fact he closes his eyes for that yet. I'm still not entirely sure how they have that much trust on the court but they're always fighting. 

They couldn't even land one of those, Nekoma has a way to counter it down pretty well. 

Kuroo and Kenma have a bond like I've never seen before. It's even closer than Hinata and Kageyama. From what I know, they've known each other probably longer than Daichi and I have known each other. Their personalities off the court are so different, yet on the court they mesh so well. 

Kenma makes an amazing setter. 

Better than you'll ever be. 

When Kuroo sent the ball down, I dove for it, sending it to Kageyama to set it up. He sent it over to Asahi who accidentally sent it out of bounds. 

We lost the first set. In our second set, Tsukki and I tried out some things. I set a little higher each time, seeing how high he could actually go. Surprisingly, he could go quite a bit higher than he'd previously been. Where was this energy when we needed blocks!?!

We won the second set, purely from shocking the hell out of the other team with Tsukki's amazing jumps. We shouldn't use that too often though, they'll get used to it. 

In the third set, we tried something a little different. We had Yamaguchi start. He barely gets play time, and apparently he's been practicing serves, so we'll see. 

We set him to serve first. This kid. He saw Oikawa do a jump float when we did a match against him and then got help learning how to do it. He has the basics down, but it's not quite ready for court play. The first one went over and scored a point. The second hit the net and landed back on our side. 

You'd do the same if you tried it.

We kept Yamaguchi in the game to give him some play time, we switched him in for Noya. 

We lost the third set, not by a whole lot though. We still had to take the punishment. I'm getting really tired of it. 

Onto our last game of the day, against Fukurodani, we played with our regular starting lineup with Kageyama and Hinata. 

I sat on the bench and zoned out. I was so uninterested at this point. I was exhausted, hungry, probably actually dehydrated because I haven't drank much at all, in pain. 

You deserve to be miserable. 

I know I do. I'm a Replaceable player, always will be. I don't deserve to feel okay. 

*~*

After our last game, and the last punishment of the day, we went to get dinner.

"Who wants to help with serves?" Asahi asked on the way over. 

"I will...I wanna practice a bit." I know it's not a good idea, but if I don't at least try to practice I'll always be Replaceable. I'll never be good enough for this team, or any other. 

"You sure? You look exhausted?" 

"Yep! I'm sure!" I gave a, probably obvious, fake smile. I tried not to eat again, but Daichi made me. May as well stop trying to skip eating and just go with it and throw it up at this point. 

"I'll come too." Daichi said. He gave me a worried look, making me think he's only going for me. I appreciate it, but I feel bad. 

I got up and went to the restroom after I was finished eating. I locked myself in a stall and gagged myself. I puked until there was nothing left. I felt like absolute shit, and I'm pushing myself to the limit practicing tonight. I'm going all out, I don't care how much it hurts me. 

When I walked out of the bathroom the rest of the gang was still sitting and talking. I just rested my head on my arms with my head down until they were ready to go practice. 

For practice, we set up in the same gym Hinata, Kuroo, Tsukki, Kenma, and Bokuto were practicing in. Noya received all the balls for Asahi, Daichi and I. We just kept taking turns serving, trying to land it in but somewhere Noya couldn't get it. I didn't do well at that. Every single one was so easy for him to get. Asahi was working on jump serves, and he was getting good at it. The force he puts behind it is astounding. Daichi wasn't half bad either, he's already good at aiming, he just needs to work on power. I...I need to work on all of the above. I'm not sure how well I can do any of it with how I feel though. 

As the night went on, my serves improved slightly. Asahi taught me how to jump serve, and I actually got it over a few times while trying it. Is it good enough to get us points all the time? No. It probably won't even make it over the net all the time. But hey, it's a start. 

We headed back to the dorm around midnight. I sat in the third year dorm until everyone had gotten their showers so no one else could see my cuts. Daichi waited with me, and since he already knew, I didn't care. 

"How they feel?" He asked when we were alone in the bathroom. 

"They hurt." I said. 

"I know, do you have any pain meds you can take?"

"Yeah."

"Then why don't you take them?"

"I deserve this…"

"No you don't, Suga. No one deserves to feel pain like this."

"Whatever you think, Daichi." I looked at the ground. He left me to take my shower. He stood under the one closest to me and showered too. 

Once we were done, Daichi made me clean them again and take meds so I could fall asleep without pain keeping me awake. 

We got back to the dorm to find Asahi with his headphones in, seemingly watching YouTube. At least I hope it was just YouTube. 

I laid down in my area and tried to fall asleep, Daichi laid down next to me. He didn't care Asahi was here. I pushed him away a bit, nodding my head to the ace. 

"He won't care, I promise." 

"How do you know?" 

He's gonna make fun of you both. 

"Just trust me."

Trust no one. 

I tried to push the thought out of my head and let it go. But I couldn't. 

He'll think you're weird

He'll make fun of you

He'll stop being your friend

He'll convince the others to go away too

"I need to go…" I said. My voice was shaking, holding back tears that threatened to fall. I got up and ran to the bathroom where no one was. I can only imagine what Asahi thought, he must've seen me run out. 

After a few minutes, I sat in a corner crying. 

Ha, can't even keep from crying. Imagine if someone else on the team walked in? Or better yet, your coach?

It wasn't wrong...what would I do if someone walked in? Make up another excuse? Break down more and spill the truth?

Lies, tell them lies. They'll never care anyways. 

And not long after those thoughts rolled in, I believed it was coming true. I heard the door open, I tried to look as okay as possible. When I realized it was just Daichi, I walked to him and broke down sobbing. 

"Does this happen every night?" He asked. 

"Almost." I replied, sinking my face into his chest. 

"I'm sorry, Suga. Everything will be okay." He held me close and combed his fingers through my hair. 

I eventually calmed down enough to go back to our room. Asahi was still sucked into his phone, blanket now over him and leaned up against a wall to sit up. 

Daichi and I both laid back down. He held my hand, slowly falling asleep. I couldn't get myself to fall asleep. I ended up awake all night.

Word Count; 1881