Love Is Never Ugly

Chapter 32

That smile was still on his face even though he was obviously upset. Why? Why did he always smile? Why didn't he ever cry or frown or shout when he was upset? Didn't he ever get tired of that? 

"Stop that." She said.

"Stop what?"

"Smiling."

"I beg your pardon?"

"Stop smiling. You are only supposed to smile when you're happy and right you're not happy."

"With all due respect my dear you can't no for sure how I feel."

"I think your little tantrum made it very obvious. I don't know if you're angry or sad but I do know that you are definitely not happy so you shouldn't be smiling. Why do you always smile? Ever since I've met you you've always had a smile on your face. But why is that?"

"I...I...I'd rather not say. You would think me foolish."

"I would never."

She gently took his hand to assure him that it was safe for him to reveal any secrets. H hesitated for a moment but her kind eyes urged him to open up to her. 

"When I was five years old I met humans for the first time. I stumbled on to three traveling paupers and when I went up to say hello they not only screamed but one of them struck my in my eye with a metal rod. Like any child I came home running in tears, my mother soothed my injury and left me to sleep in my room but I couldn't sleep so I got out of bed to look for her. I found her crying, crying because she couldn't bear the fact that I would spend my whole life hated by everyone. I myself couldn't bear to see her suffer so I decided from now on I would always smile so she would never suspect that felt pain."

"Oh Alastor."

"I overheard her once tell Husk that she was afraid to die because she knew once she was dead I would have no one to love me. I would never know any true happiness. I never stopped smiling even after she died because I wanted her soul to be at peace."

"Alastor a smile doesn't hide sadness or anger. Not forever anyway. Eventually the fake smile cracks and the real emotions become easier to see. You're smiling right now but I can see so much sadness in your eyes. In fact I don't think I've ever seen anyone with eyes as sad as yours."

She gently pressed her hand to his cheek. He flinched at first but he quickly accepted her soft touch.

"You say that you do not lie but isn't pretending to be happy when you're really not, lying? You're lying about how you feel. It's not in words, it's in your face."

"You wouldn't understand. You never had to watch your mother cry her heart out because of your suffering."

"No I didn't. But then again I never got the chance to watch my mother do anything."

Alastor quickly realized his mistake and decided to be more compassionate.

"I am sorry. I'm being very insensitive. Here I am complaining about what I went through with my mother when you-."

"It's alright. Don't feel bad. Just because your pain is not the same as mine doesn't mean it's any less important."

"Well actually our pain may not be as different as you think."

"What do you mean?"

"I don't know what it's like to grow up without a mother but I do know what it's like to grow up without one of your parents."

"Do you mean your father?"

"Yes. He died before I was born. I never knew him."

"Oh I'm sorry. May I ask how he died?"

"He was killed and that's all I feel like saying about it right now. That's another thing my mother cried about very often. She was very much in love with my father and it broke her heart that we never met. It usually occurred whenever I said or did something that reminded her of him."

"That's how it is whenever I say or do anything that reminds my father of my mother. My mother was a singer and she played harpsichord, I learned to do both so I could be closer to her in someway. The first time I ever played a song on the harpsichord it made my father cry because it made him think of my mother."

"My mother always said that I danced in the exact same manner that my father did. Whether it be a singular dance or a waltz, she said I mimicked his steps perfectly."

"I've been told many times that I have my mother's voice."

"I was told that I had my father's laugh."

"Did you ever want to meet your father?"

"I don't know for certain. I suppose I did when I was much younger but overtime I realized I had other things to yearn for."

"I know what you mean. I tried not to dwell too much on my mother either. I call to her in heaven sometimes but only when I'm alone. I don't want my father to be too saddened by her memory. I have to be strong for him."

"What do you mean by strong?"

"My father is a very hard-working man who's lost so much. Besides my mother he also lost his second wife and his fortune. I don't think he can handle any more struggles and losses. So I've always done my best to obedient and devoted to him. To understand that he always knows what's best for me."

"Charlotte I don't believe any parent always knows what's best for their children. My mother was a wonderful parent but even she made mistakes."

"Yes you're right but I can't really recall any of my father's mistakes."

"Oh no? What about insisting that you marry your stepbrother?"

"Well that's different."

"Different in what way? It's obvious you don't want to marry him but your father doesn't seem to consider that. Wouldn't that count as a mistake in parenting?"

"You don't understand Alastor. Where I come from arranged marriages are common."

"Common doesn't necessarily mean right, does it?"

"No."

"The fact is your father was trying to push you into a marriage that you would not be happy in which is a mistake."

"He meant well."

"Meaning well and doing well are two very different things."

"I suppose but...I...I feel in debt to my father."

"Because you believe you killed your mother? Charlotte it's not your fault she died and you shouldn't feel guilty. Nor should you feel that your happiness should always be put aside because of that tragedy. It's okay to put your happiness first sometimes."

"I was happy back home."

"Were you really? Because from what you've told me, I think you may have forced yourself to be happy."

"Like you do?"

"Touche." He grinned sincerely.

Charlotte sighed.

"Alastor you said you would do anything for me, correct?"

"Indeed."

"Then I would like for you to be honest with me about how you really feel. Don't put on a fake smile for me. I don't want you to feel ashamed to let your real emotions show."

"I'm not entirely sure that I can grant that request. But...But I can try."

"Can you try one more thing for me too?"

"What is that?"

"Can you try..." She paused for fear that he would instantly refuse. "Can you try to stop being a cannibal?"

Alastor had somehow expected her to ask this of him sooner or later. He still hoped that she wouldn't because this wasn't something he could easily give up. But for her sake he would at the very least put forth an effortful attempt.

"I'll...I'll try. I promise I'll try."

She smiled in a pleased manner which made him happy. Although he feared which part of himself was stronger, his animal urges or his human will?