Drugstore Perfume [Poetry]

ashen

ashen

august28twenty21

(tw on multiple counts for violence and suicide stuff so watch out)

there just aren't words anymore.

scrambling in a nest, in a childproof playpen. letters dust when you touch them. ash clogging up your nose. my neck hurts so much right now and it's 3am, and my head won't heal, injured for the first time by external forces (how fucking ironic!).

I drank more water today and now I'm just jittery soup. they keep telling me that the assortment of different meds at different times for different reasons will make me drowsy. maybe I was already tired. now the soup leaks from my eyes and inside my brain.

it isn't tired anymore, it isn't exhausted anymore, it isn't soul-crushing numbness and death, it's just scorched fucking earth. decimation. I closed a tab just now and need to reopen it. this will happen again later.

it's salty and it's impure and it's heartache, it's wanting to drop out of school and become everything you were taught to hate. it's the burning, screaming and tearing your lungs apart yearning to run away from everything you think you need and just never turn around.

I'm too perfect for a life in academia. it's already ruined me. I want to give away that grade-point average marked with bloodstains, drown the SAT score riddled with bruises, travel to the middle of bumfuck nowhere, take two bullets, and put them where they belong. I don't want to mourn anymore, it feels like I was barely alive to begin with.

I am so far and have so little to hold on to. it hurts in an empty way, in a knowing way, in an unfortunate little way. I look in the mirror and see a tomb. I stare at the sky and see blood. and there's just nothing here for me.