nothing without you

19-Glass

A/N: this chapter will have a t/w at the beginning and the end of the t/w isn't until the end of the chapter so if you will get triggered by any of the topics I am about to mention you can just skip this chapter and I'll do a quick summary of it in the beginning of next chapter.
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T/W: ANXIETY, DEPRESSION, MENTION OF RAPE, SELF HARM

I run into the first bathroom I see, still on the third floor. My chest is constricting and I feel I can hardly breathe anymore.

I push onto my chest, using both hands, as if it will help. Spoiler alert it doesn't.

My head is spinning and I grip onto the sink edge, clawing at my throat.

"Come on, Livia. Just breathe." I choke out under my breath.

My entire throat is closing up, and I claw at it trying to manage a few breaths.

My entire body is violently shaking, making it hard for me to stand up straight.

The tears streaming down my face are making my vision blurry.

I collapse onto the floor, my shaky hands unable to hold onto the sink any longer. My head slams onto the tile floor and I let out a shriek of pain.

I physically can't move anymore, my body feels frozen in place, with me unable to breathe and having tears blurring my vision.

What if I pass out? What if I pass out in a random bathroom in school?

After much deliberation I realize that if I don't call someone then I'll be stuck here until a random girl bursts in and thinks I'm dead.

I force myself to slide my phone out of my pocket, my hand isn't listening to me and it takes a lot of effort to do this one gesture. Then even more effort to click on the right name.

"Hello?" My brothers voice comes through the other end of my phone.

"Ai-aiden." My voice is shaking, and I still feel like I'm choking. I loosen my shirt so it isn't as tight around my neck but that isn't the issue at all. "C-can you co-o-me?"

"Liv? What's wrong? Where are you? I'll come right now, where?" His voice is laced with worry.

"Third flo-o-or b-bath-r-oom" I say between hiccups from crying and coughs from being unable to breathe.

"Ok. I'm staying on the call with you but I'm coming right now. What happened?" I'm still breathing heavily, choking on each breathe. I try to sit up from the floor but my body won't listen to me anymore. I let out a cry, my head still throbbing from the impact of slamming into a hard floor.

I hear Aiden ask a girl where the girls bathroom is. I don't hear much else about their conversation.

I notice a piece of glass on the floor.

I slowly slide myself across the floor and pick it up in a shaky hand. It cuts into the hand that's holding it since it's so sharp. I drop my phone, without even thinking about it so I can holding my wrist out.

I slowly start to cut a small slit in my wrist. Mesmerized by the beautiful color of the blood I cut a little farther. It distracts me from my breathing and that's all I need right now. Sure it hurts but all it does is match the pain on the inside.

I slide myself back onto the floor, somehow feeling magnetized to it. The throbbing in my head died down because now I was only focusing on the throbbing in my wrist.

The hand that was holding the shard of glass has cuts in it and I stare at the glass. The blood is dripping onto my shirt and face but I don't mind it. I'm sobbing and the blood on my face is mixing with tears.

I hear someone call my name but don't consciously know how to respond when I'm a state like this.

"Liv!" The door has opened and Aiden rushes over to my side. "Oh my god. Please. Out the glass down—don't." He's crying, holding my head in his lap. I look down at my hands and let out a choked sob.

Two more people come through the doors yelling Aiden's name. I don't know what's happening, my head is so foggy.

All I know is that someone else comes and sits next to me. They are staying more calm than Aiden is. They take the glass out of my hand and I bury myself into Aidens lap. Curling up, my entire body is shaking violently. I can't keep the memories out of my head.

I don't even realize what I'm muttering until the calmer guy asks me what I'm talking about.

"Please—please I'll do anything. Just don't touch me." My voice is trembling, and I look at my bleeding hand. I have an urge to cut farther. My eyes scan the floor trying to find the glass.

"Livia, look me in the eyes. Breathe in and out ok?" I look up into green eyes and take shaky breaths with him before being unable to take it anymore.

"Where's the glass?" I ask shakily.

"No. You are not going to cut yourself. Hey, look at me. You are not going to cut yourself." His voice says, reassuringly.

It doesn't help. Nothing helps at this point.

"It hurts." I whisper. I'm talking about myself. My intrusive thoughts. My emotional pain. He doesn't realize that.

"We'll clean it up after but first you need to be able to breathe with me. We can't take you to the nurse in this state."

I don't want to go to the nurse. She can't do anything about me being fucked in the head.

I lay back down on the floor, focusing on the feeling of blood leaving my body. I need to concentrate on something so I don't start throwing up.

Too late. I feel my body turn itself inside out as I vomit into a toilet, only barely making it in time.

I barf three times before leaning my back against a wall. My sweaty body is still shaking but slightly less, and I can breathe a little better.

"Am I really that bad at kissing?" I hear the guy mutter. I can't help but let out a tiny chuckle. If only he knew.

"I'm sorry. I don't want to bother you. You shouldn't see me like this." I tell him, my voice weak.

The other guy who came in with Ashton must have brought a panicking Aiden outside.

"No, that's not right at all. I want to help you, you deserve help. You don't deserve whatever you're going through." Ashton says

"I'm not dealing with anything." I try and fix the fact that I shouldn't have called Aiden in the first place.
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A/N: well this was a really fucking dark chapter. Sorry about that. Well never mind I'm not sorry at all, this is how a book works.

If the next few chapters will trigger you, please don't read I will catch you up on what happened (just a quick, non-detailed summary) once the trigger warning end.

Obvs not edited cause who would I be if I did.

kisses 💋
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