My Mess

Chapter Thirty: Impulsivity With Nathaniel

Chapter Thirty: Impulsivity With Nathaniel
Cole's POV

"Cole are you alright?" 

Not really. 

To be honest, this was the first time someone had asked me this in a long time, when I actually considered saying no. 

I think there's no shame in crying, being sad around someone. It's just that being sad around people... just wasn't my vibe. And it would be a crime if THE Cole didn't pass the vibe check. 

This time it was, surprisingly, Brian's sister. Although when you take into accountability that she was outside the bathroom door, waiting to take her contacts out when I was practicing target practice with my dinner, than it wasn't too surprising.

I had tried to calm down, think over the rational way, like I always did. Okay, maybe not rational but being a crying mess wasn't me. It wasn't the person I wanted to be, I just felt so...

Pathetic. 

Its like every time I close my eyes I see her. I see all the times I called her mommy, only to get smacked in the face, thrown down the stairs, locked in a room for days straight.

She never wanted to be a mother. She told me that more times than she ever showed me anything but pure hatred, and if it wasn't pure hatred it was pure amusement. She'd hurt me in many ways, physical, mentally. She would find it hilarious to see a little boy writhing on the ground. 

I mean, I always knew she didn't love me, but I really wanted to believe that she did, and I was simply acting out badly. She would just be so brutal towards me, even when I tried to do things nice to her like make her breakfast in bed. 

I was just a kid, I think that's the part that effects me most. 

A lot of times I think about those type of things... things that hurt me, but I never had to face them because, for all i knew, my mother had died. Overdosed on some drug. I would think about something but one impulsive decision, one fun decision and it was like it all went away. 

It's so easy to forget everything when you're five hours away getting high in some random dude's basement. 

It wouldn't go away now. I felt disgusted, I felt pathetic, I felt angry. The worst part was that I knew my dad would just let her walk right into the house. No matter how much he preaches that she was a bad women, he loves my mom. 

He doesn't know the half of what she had done to me. He thinks she just hit me. 

"Yeah? How come?" I asked her, smiling at her. 

"Well I heard you throwing up. Or at least it sounded like it."

"I was sucking off Brian." 

I knew she knew I was fucking with her, but I still thought it was hilarious to see her eyebrows raise a bit in surprise. 

Still, despite her amusing reaction I still didn't feel like... anything. 

I felt like a bug in the rain. 

Like an Alien lost in space. 

Astronaut in the ocean...

Brian's sister didn't hound me any longer after that. Maybe she realized how strange it was that it was 2AM. Maybe she thought she was dreaming. 

I should've done that thing they do in the movies. Speak like a ghost, direct her back to bed and leave without a trace and in the morning she falls in love with me because I was in her dreams.