Walk With Me

40. Go Fight For Him

I hate that I even have to think about this. Her life right now should be playful, innocent, full of so much joy. That's all I've ever wanted her to see. I guess we don't always get what we want.

"A scooter!" she nearly screams as she rips away the snowflake paper, revealing a small pink scooter with light up wheels. One she's been eyeing for a while now.

She quickly rushes to the next gift. This is one of my favorite parts about Christmas. Watching the sheer joy on Mia's face as every present appears to be better than the next. It doesn't matter what it is either. It could be a doll, a book, or even underwear. Her delighted reaction always stays intact. Just the idea and mystery behind the hidden packages is enough to wrap her in that spirit of Christmas.

She pulls the next box out from under the tree, pausing to examine it before looking at me. "This one is different," she so wisely notices.

I sit up a bit, twisting my coffee in my hands. "Uh, yeah. That one's from Tommy."

I don't turn to take in the laser beam beside me. Instead, I keep my focus on Mia, watching as her face lights up all over again. She quickly tears through the paper, ripping open the top of the box. Her eyes widen before her hands dive in, reaching for whatever is inside.

"Wow!" she nearly screams as she pulls out a baseball glove. Her eyes find mine as her smile takes over her entire face. "Mommy, look! My very own glove!"

That warm flutter takes over my chest. "Wow, I see that."

"I'm going to be like a real player now," her excitement only continues to escalate as she slides her hand inside.

"A glove?" Vince finally speaks up. "You don't even play baseball," he adds, ignoring the evidence of happiness that's surrounding her right now.

"Yes, I do," she proudly insists. Instead of stepping in, I let her have the moment. "Tommy taught me, and mommy signed me up. I'm going to be a star."

Vince's laugh slices through the smiles on both of our faces, causing Mia's gloved hand to fall to her lap. My eyes quickly shift to his as he meets mine. His anger is still boiling at the surface, but Mia doesn't deserve to take an ounce of the overflow. His laugh fades as he shifts his eyes back to the defeated girl in front of us.

"I'm sorry," he jumps in now. "I wasn't laughing at you. I was just so happy you have picked up a new sport out here. That's really great."

Too little, too late. A phrase I'm beginning to see a lot of lately. His lies and attempts to backtrack are worthless now. They've been empty to me for a long time, but I see the look in her eyes now. She's not buying the bullshit that so easily eases from his lips.

"Mommy," she looks away from her dad, ignoring his attempt at an apology. "Can you take a picture of me? I want to show Tommy."

There's another swarm of warmth around my heart, but this time it's filled with something slightly different. Longing, emptiness, a missing piece.

I set my coffee cup down and reach for my phone. Once again ignoring the daggers beside me. This day isn't about him. It's about her. And if that means I'll be catching a glimpse of that caged animal later, that I might have to deal with the fallout when it finally breaks free, then so be it. This is what I do. I put her first, no matter the consequences.

She holds up her glove, her smile bright and honest as I snap a picture. My fingers linger on the screen for a moment, looking at her smile. I pause before opening my contacts, letting my heart clench as I look at his name on my screen. What I want more than anything is to send this to him right now. To wish him a Merry Christmas. To hear his voice. To feel him here beside me. But the words I left him with on that porch still sting the walls of my chest. I don't know that he wants my words today...or tomorrow. And a text sure isn't the way to reach out after all that happened.