Walk With Me

39. If You Love Her

I should have stayed local. Even if it meant keeping my distance while things cooled off between us. The sudden drop of where we left things is killing me but that has nothing on the knot twisting my gut over how things are going at Amber and Mia's house with him there, while I'm all the way across the country.

Are they safe? Did they have a nice Christmas Eve? How late did Mia stay up last night in anticipation of Santa? What book did they read?

Here at Sadie and Austin's house, their wild middle child was sure giving her parents a run for their money. All three girls were still awake when Austin and I got back from the airport but Gem and Lily went to bed pretty quickly. June, on the other hand, wouldn't have it. She was way too wired and excited. I like to think part of it was over seeing me but after our initial greeting, my presence took a back burner to the jolly man in a red suit.

She kept rambling on about the gifts she got for her teacher and her sisters, the cookies she made for Santa, and how badly she wanted to catch him in her house. She kept creeping out of her bed and tiptoeing down the hall while Sadie finished stuffing stockings, wrapping up the last of the gifts, and organizing everything under the tree.

June's curly hair and snowman jammies seemed to make her even more mischievous. Paired with the echo of her giggles, the whole night made for a healthy dose of welcome chaos. I was trying not to laugh at the many attempts of bribery, lowkey threats, and overall hilarious antics Sadie and Austin utilized to try and get her to bed but she's too freaking cute. No one has a backbone when it comes to that level of cute.

I won't lie, I enjoyed the whole show, even when her laughter evolved into an over-exhausted fit of whining. She finally passed out on the couch in Austin's lap and he successfully got her back in her own bed so they could bring out the Santa goodies. That was when the ache set it.

June reminds me so much of Mia and when her spirited shenanigans came to an end, everything seemed to circle back to my favorite girls in California. From the stocking stuffers and special Santa wrapping paper to the sugar cookies Austin and I ate, leaving some crumbs on the plate for that little extra magic. And for a final touch, Sadie used powdered sugar to put Santa footprints by the tree and while something like that would ordinarily make me roll my eyes, I couldn't stop thinking about Mia's sleigh bell collection Amber told me about.

All of it made me think of them, of what they woke up in me. Of how things that never mattered before suddenly hold meaning.

I hate that he's there with them. I hate that I left the way I did. But all I can do is hope and pray things are going smoothly, that he's letting them enjoy their holiday.

I don't know. Maybe he's different now. There has to be a good reason for Amber to be reconsidering things between them and sending us into this miserable fucking limbo. I want to be selfish. I want to be furious. But all I can seem to think about is her happiness. And if she wants to give him another chance, I have to respect that, right?

Sadie's head lands on my shoulder. "I'm happy you're here, Tommy."

And yet, there's that.

Amidst all the weird, chest aching emotions rolling over me at the moment is the fact that I'm here, enjoying a cup of coffee with my sister. And that any minute now, my sweet nieces are going to wake up and come barreling down the hall, eagerly anticipating the arrival of the rest of our family and the pile of presents under the tree, the bread Sadie just pulled out of the oven and the egg casserole keeping warm on the stove.

It's been too long since I've seen my mom and sisters, since we've all spent time together. Shit, I'm even looking forward to spending the day with Austin. As much as I love to hate on him and give him a hard time about marrying my sister, he's actually a good guy and I'm more grateful now than I've ever been for how he loves and takes care of his family.