I'm A Twenty-Two Year Old Widow And I'm All Alone...

Trying To Live On My Own...

"I hate being alone," I admitted. "It terrifies me. But I hate having people here, too. I just want... I just want my husband back. I can't believe he's never coming back."

"You have to move on, Car," mom sighed. "I know it's hard, but you're depressed."

"I'm not depressed," I scoffed.

"Yeah, Carrie," mom said sadly. "You are."

"I'm in mourning," I replied.

"No, you're past that," mom cried. "I'm afraid of losing you."

"Well, don't be," I said softly. "I uh... I just wanna disappear."

"Please," mom said softly. "Don't kill yourself. I can't deal with any more losses."

>>>>

 

It's never a good sign when you go four weeks without any decent human contact. My Facebook was clogged with "are you alive?" messages. My answering machine was full of messages from my extended family, asking if I was okay. My phone kept going off with text messages I never replied to.

And the thought of stepping outside stressed me to my absolute core.

I had reluctantly agreed to go shopping with my mom, given that I'd oddly put on weight since losing Lucas. Not much, but enough that I didn't fit into my favourite jeans that Lucas had bought for me anymore...

I'd gotten into the bad habit of living in total darkness. I didn't wash my clothes, but at least now I'd managed to eat. I had a watermelon fixation... I couldn't get enough watermelon. But my mom kept buying it, glad I could eat something. It was pretty much all I ate, and that was because I couldn't not eat it.

"Come on, Carrie," mom smiled brightly. "You have to make this first step."

Mom walked around my house, opening up all the curtains. The place had been plunged into darkness for a few weeks, and my room hadn't seen daylight since the day before Lucas died. I had finally admitted I was depressed, and going shopping was the first step.

"Fine," I sighed, stepping outside with my hair actually done for once, I had showered, I wore clothes that were actually nice and presentable and I wore a bit of makeup that showed my facial features nicely.

"You look beautiful," mom complimented. "You're actually glowing. You clean up good, darling."

"I feel strange," I admitted, glaring into the bright sun. "I don't know why, but I feel like I've just entered a different world."

"A world with sunlight, perhaps?" mom questioned.

"I uh... I think so," I replied, giving mom a weak smile. First smile. It was weak, but it was there.

"You're taking baby steps," mom told me. "It won't be easy, but I need you to go back to my life-loving daughter who never let anything get her down."

"I'm not that girl anymore," I said, frowning.

I climbed into the car, and nervously figeted with my dress as I sat there. Mom drove, occasionally asking me if I was okay. I would just weakly nod, unable to form a response. We arrived at the mall, and I timidly followed mom around as she handed clothes to me to try on.