I Choose You

Every Little Thing She Does is Magic

"Though I tried before to tell her

Of the feelings, I have for her

In my heart

Every time that I come near her

I just lose my nerve

As I've done from the start

Every little thing she does is magic

Everything she does just turns me on

Even though my life before was tragic

Now I know my love for her goes on"

 - "Every Little Thing She Does is Magic" by Sleeping at Last

***

My mouth formed an 'O' at the realization of what he was saying. I never in a billion years thought of Holden as anything more than a friend. Holden was always Walker's best bud. They did everything together and sometimes I would be included.

I did not know how to respond. I began to feel lightheaded and was continuously reminding myself to breathe. "I-I see," was the only thing my body would allow me to get out.

It started to seem like everything that came my way—no matter how big or small the news was— felt like a weight being added to my chest. It had really started with Icarus breaking up with me, then Maggy's and William's relationship, my mother's confession, and finally Holden. It was just becoming too overwhelming. As much as I tried it was hard to shake everything that was tying me down.

It was my turn to take interest in the tablecloth as I soaked in Holden's words to the fullest. "I think-" I started to choke on what to say next. I couldn't hurt his feelings, though, as much as my heart ached, it felt inevitable.

"Let's not ruin the night with the obvious," Holden happily interrupted me with a small forgiving smile. "I'm fine just the way we are," Holden declared.

My shoulders sagged at the load of the conversation. I was utterly defeated. I didn't want to ruin the night but I knew sooner or later I would have to clarify my feelings for him. He was my brother's best friend. I could not be anything more with him. Holden was too valuable to lose.

Don't get me wrong. I was once convinced that I had a crush on Holden but that was a few summers back. It did not seem to last. I was able to realize that nothing would ever happen with Holden and I. He had been like a brother to me.

"So, how is school?" Holden broke the ice with a casual subject that I was relieved to broach.

Holden's question made me look up and realize that our waiter had been by with our drinks. I had been deaf to if the server had spoken to either one of us.

"It's school, ya know?" I exhaled and tried to let loose. Relaxation was not easy to find but I managed to achieve a level of contentment. After all, there was not much Holden could say or do in order to make me walk away from the night. We both needed this. We both needed to get out of our normal space and enjoy a night out, between friends.

"If truth be told, I'm ready to graduate." Yearning consumed me at the thought. I was so close, yet it felt so far. I was ready to just be out on my own. "The ceremony is in just a few short months."

Mentally, I reminded myself of things that were becoming due on my road to graduation.

Holden smiled. "Do you have any plans after you graduate? Are you going to college?"

I nodded. "Yes. I've been accepted into many colleges but I recently decided on Cornell University."

After submitting over 50 college applications and getting accepted into every one, I had narrowed down my choices. University of California - Davis, Cornell or Colorado State. University of California - Davis and Colorado State were ultimately too far from home but I applied just to see if I could get in.