I Choose You

Astronaut in the Ocean

What you know about rollin' down in the deep?
When your brain goes numb, you can call that mental freeze
When these people talk too much, put that shit in slow motion, yeah
I feel like an astronaut in the ocean

- "Astronaut in the Ocean" by Masked Wolf

***

Mother's news was like a sudden, unexpected wave of ice-cold water. Shocking. If my jaw was not on the floor, it was damn near close. I only had ever known of having two brothers. Walker and Ryland. That was it. Never in my wildest dreams did I think my mother was hiding a secret like us having another sibling. So many questions swam through my head, all at once and fighting for which to be first to spill out.

"Did you adopt him?" Walker spat before I could gather my words.

An expression of guilt washed over Mother's face. She wiped some sweat from her forehead, probably from the nervousness of having to explain everything to us. I couldn't blame her. I was never the harsh and bold one - but Walker had no filter. He was going to be the interrogator, which he was good at. There were very few answers Walker could not weasel out of someone.

"He's nineteen," Mother tried to keep her voice steady but it was laced with uneasiness. "I had him a couple of short years after you, Walker." Mother admitted as she fiddled with some items in her apron pocket. She was in the spotlight and not enjoying Walker's death glare. If I had more courage against germs, I would have grabbed his hand and gave him a comforting squeeze. Instead, I gave a quick bump of his shoulder with mine. His eyes locked with mine, unwavering in the intense stare. I gave him a pointed look to ease up.

William focused back on our mother. His stance was still tense but I saw him gradually relax. Though his demeanor spoke that he was still on the hunt for answers, which I was grateful for. I could not speak, even if I tried.

"He is not Dad's son, is he?" Walker asked.

Mother shook her head. "Spencer comes from love, I want to make that clear. After having you, Walker," Mother tried to take a step towards Walker but he backed himself into the doorframe. Walker clearly did not want Mother to make any step forward.

"I'm going to go hang out in the living room to give you guys some space. Holler if you need me," Spencer said, looking at our Mother.

She nodded with a small smile.

When Spencer was out of the room, Mom wasted no time on continuing the topic at hand. "I fell into postpartum depression after having you," Mother said, with a head nod in Walker's direction. "The therapy and medicines did not seem to cut it. I blame the medicines not working because of my horrible habit of being bad about taking medicines regularly. . .

"I met Spencer's father, Jeremy, at work," Mother explained. I saw a distant longing and, dare I say, loving expression cross her face. It was evident that she had a soft spot on the conversation of Jeremy. "His wife had died of suicide and he noticed the warning signs in me. He was there for me-"

"Are you saying Dad wasn't?" Walker spoke knowing that our Dad would do anything for our Mother.

Dad thought the world of our Mother. He had expressed to us that she was the love of his life. He never thought or saw himself with anyone else. I had no doubt that he would have bent over backwards for her. Sickness or health, at least that was their marriage vow. Father was one to honor any vow or promise, that much I knew.

Tears slowly started to stream down our Mother's face. She briefly closed her eyes to try and stop the tears but her attempt was in vain. "He did but you have to try and understand. I was not in the right frame of mind."