Walk With Me

36. Still Something Left

That's the problem with where life has landed me. In this riptide of what's best and for who. If I focus on Mia, the only person who truly matters, then I should be doing everything in my power to give her a complete home. To give her time with her dad. She deserves that. She deserves to spend time with him. It doesn't matter that my heart still clenches at his touch or that the pit in my stomach lingers whenever he's around, or that I can't seem to settle my damn shaking hands whenever he gets a little too animated.

The other side to this whole flood of confusion is the fact that Vince has begun to show the side of himself that used to make me smile. The side that gives me hope. He's been nearly perfect, and yet all I can seem to see before I fall asleep at night are Tommy's blue eyes. All I can seem to crave are his firm arms wrapped around me, the safe comfort of my head against his chest, his gentle kisses trailing my body, and that damn smile that causes the butterflies to take flight. Because even though Vince might be what's best for the picture perfect family, he's not what I want, what I need. He's not the one who inspires me to be better, who ignites a spark within me, waking me up and making me believe things in myself.

So yes, these last couple of days I've seen a more gentle and caring side to Vince. He calls, he texts, he tries. But I can't deny the flash of disappointment each time it's Vince's name across my screen and not Tommy's. I'm the one who asked for space, he's only honoring my request. But I miss everything he's managed to bring to my life these last few months. I miss him.

I feel like no matter what happens next, I'm going to be failing someone. I don't even know what I've managed to get myself into or how the hell I'm supposed to get out of it. Do I choose myself for once? Go after what my heart is screaming at me to do? Or do I quiet that thudding reminder of what I desire and put everyone else first?

I slowly pull up to my place, staring at the lights strung from the roof, the white twinkle of the tree on the lawn, and the small reindeer now glistening in the night. I let the innocent joys of Christmas wash over me, breathing in the hints of bliss, of family and laughter that lace the holidays. I let it consume the wavering thoughts, calming the tides and bringing out the genuine smile that I need right now. I take one last deep breath before making my way into the house.

Mia leaps from a stool at the kitchen counter, running into my arms. This is just what I needed.

"Mommy!" she yells, wrapping her arms around my neck as I pick her up and swing her around.

"I missed you," I say, holding her tight against me.

"I missed you, too," she says quietly before slowly letting me go. "We saw sharks and jellyfish!" she shouts now, creating an even bigger smile on my face.

"I know. I saw the pictures," I gently set her back down on her feet as my eyes connect with Vince's. I take a moment to analyze his dark features. The deep brown eyes and dark hair, so incredibly opposite of the face that swims throughout my dreams.

"Are you hungry?" Vince speaks up, taking a step closer now.

I look back down to Mia before surveying the kitchen. He texted me that they were grabbing dinner on the way home, so I know there is nothing prepared here. I also made it a point to eat at work knowing that they would have eaten already.

"No, I already ate."

He nods, taking another step toward us both before resting a hand on Mia's shoulder. "How about hot chocolate then?" he smiles, looking down at Mia.

Her eyes shoot up to his as she bounces on her toes. "Yes! With marshmallows?"

"Of course! What's Christmas hot chocolate without the marshmallows?" Vince smiles, tickling her sides as she attempts to wiggle free. A sight I haven't seen in awhile. One that has that thick fog I can't seem to navigate taking over. I wish the answer were clear. That there weren't all of these other factors to bring into play, causing my mind to spin, my heart to fade into the depths.