Before You Go

bonus chapter 1: leo sangster

There was still a lot of emotional turmoil to deal with, even when I moved. But having Nathan to help me, someone who knew how to handle losing someone you love, made it easier. We made it easier for each other. And, despite the fact that Leo has Leon's eyes, right down to the placement of the smudge of honey-brown, he helped us, too.

My son is a beautiful reminder about how much Leon and I loved each other, how he came back for me and won me over again. It was a crazy move on Leon's part, but I don't regret him taking the risk. He gave us – me, Nathan, Kit, and Tenille – someone to remember him by, to help fill the missing hole in our lives. Maybe not completely – no one, not even Leon's own son could fill his place – but just enough to curb the demanding pain.

I glance over my shoulder, to where Leo is still staring at the birthday cake, his face a little closer than the last time. Tenille is now standing behind him, whispering something in his ear. As if she can feel my eyes on them, she looks up and smiles. It's an emotional smile – she knows I'm thinking about Leon right now – but I don't have to look at it for too long because she leans down, whispering more words. Leo nods uncontrollably as Tenille helps him down from the table. He then comes running over to me, tugging at my sweater. I set my glass of wine down on the windowsill and kneel down so I'm face-to-face with Leo.

I rest my hands on his small shoulders, wondering how the heck he's managed to grow up so fast. I can't believe it's been five years. I can't believe he's brushing his own teeth, attending school, and even trying to make breakfast for me on Mother's Day. The kitchen was a disaster, everything coated in pancake batter, and the hash browns were burnt to a crisp, but it was the thought that had counted. "What's up, buddy?" I smile.

"Mommy, Aunty Tenille says we should have cake now. Can we?" he asks in his sweet little voice. "I ate all my vegetables at dinner."

I reach out and tap him on the nose, my heart filling with pure joy as I stare into those familiar eyes. Though it does weigh heavily on my heart sometimes, I am so happy Leo inherited Leon's eyes. "Cake would be perfect. Why don't you go take your place at the table while I grab the lighter?"

He nods, giving me a quick hug and then rebounding back to the table, where Tenille, Kit, and Nathan are now sitting.

I head to the kitchen, telling them I'll be right back with the lighter. Once I'm alone, lighter resting on the counter next to the sink, I allow myself to pull out my phone and open the photos app. I rarely allow myself to look back on Leon and I's relationship when people are around, but I feel like I need to right now. Maybe it's because it's Leo's fifth birthday, which, in my opinion, is a milestone. Maybe it's because I miss him so much. Or maybe it's because I need more strength to get me through the day. Leon used to fuel me, fuel that deep drive I've always had. Even though he's not with us anymore, he's the reason I've made it this far.

The picture I find is the one of us atop Blackcomb Peak. The last selfie we ever took together. One of the best days of my life, despite what happened during that hike, despite the emotional turmoil we trudged through.

A tear slips down my cheek as I stare at the picture. Our cheeks are pressed together, slightly disorienting our faces and making out smiles look odd. I stare into his remarkable eyes, take in the colour of his hair, the sharpness of his jaw and cheekbones.

Suddenly, I feel a hand rest on my shoulder. I jump, quickly shutting off my phone and slipping it back in my pocket. I don't need to ask who is behind me – I can already tell. It's Tenille. "Eliza? Are you okay?"

I brush away my tears with the back of my hand, not wanting to ruin today's celebration. Taking a deep breath, I turn around and face my best friend. Although Tenille and I rarely see each other anymore, we still stay in contact. We're still as close as we were five years ago. "Yeah," I choke. "I just miss him. I wish he could be here for Leo's birthday. I wish he could have met him. The usual."