The Lonely Egotist (MewGulf AU)

🌻Chapter 23

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By the time I got back to my apartment, I was completely worn out. I was sure it was from all the emotional turmoil. I locked the door reflexively as the door closed and kicked my shoes off by the door. I went down the short hallway to my living room.

"What was I thinking falling for a guy like that?" I muttered to no one, in my tiny one bedroom apartment.

I fell for him.

Just saying those words aloud had eased some sort of burden in my heart.

"Why him, of all people?"

If I was going to be homosexual, why couldn't I like AA or Bright? Why was it this man, who could tell me he slept with a hundred people every week and I wouldn't even bat an eye? I smiled bitterly at my bad taste.

I plopped down onto the warm floor and thought about Mew.

I want Mew.

I faced the feelings that I had been running from, but I felt like I would never see reality again.

My mind was a complete muddle. I wanted to think about all this calmly, but my hands were shaking.

"I-I did that---with Mew---"

It was a little late to be ashamed of what had happened, but now that I realized I liked him, I thought back to the time he had overpowered me and I'd been eagerly seduced. I had to express the humiliation I felt somehow.

I tried to grit my teeth, but they only clattered. I bit down hard on the thumb of my right hand, and eventually my teeth stopped shaking.

I asked myself how I could have done a thing like that.

It might mot have meant anything to Mew, but it had to me.

The image of First cradling Mew's head in his lap rose once more before my eyes. I wanted him. My heart, thrilling with the sweet joy of self-realizitaion, was chilled by the image.

Did First touched his hands, too?

Thinking back, I realized that First had known an awful lot about Mew. He had known things about him that I hadn't realized myself---and then he tried to tell me that I was special? I couldn't figure out what First was trying to do. Mew had never thought about anything but First. I was an idiot for getting on this emotional roller coaster of my own free will. It wasn't funny at all, but the thought made me want to laugh. Really, it was just because my face was pulled so tight.

I knew what was Mew like. If I told him how I felt, I knew what his answer would be: "Great! Want to have sex then?" but I didn't care how often we had slept together. I knew I could never monopolize his heart. He was so frank about being open-minded and unashamed. I was sure he jad left a trail of broken hearts in his wake. Would it be enough for my name to just be at the top of the list?

I felt stupid for being unable to answer my own question. I dropped my face toward the floor and let out a deep sigh. I felt a warm drop slide down my face and strike the floor. Had I begun to cry without even realizing it? Surprised, I put my hands over my eyes. No, this was running into my eyes, making them burn.

"Am I sweating? It must be too hot."

I touched my forehead and my fingertips came away wet with sweat. I only then relaized how hot the room was. Apparently the chaos of my thoughts had numbed my senses. The room had been shut up all day, so now it it was chokingly stuffy. I turned the air conditioner on and opened the window in the living room. Until the air conditioning started to work, I would wait out on my tiny balcony in the breeze.

It was after six on an August evening. There was still sunlight outside my window and a heavy reminder of the heat of midday still lingered. Thankfully, my room was on the fifth floor, so at least the radiated heat from the asphalt didn't reach me.

"A white BMW?"

I gazed blankly down at the street below me and watched a white BMW with a tinted windows park in front of my building. It wasn't anything obvious, but there was something about the car that made it seem like something a normal person would never drive.

I knew one person who would drive a car like that, but he had no way of finding his way here and he had no reason to come, anyway. Still, I couldn't take my eyes off on the white BMW.

"If it's not him in the car, it's someone worse," I whispered deliberately, trying to mask the wild pounding of my heart in my ears. As I watched, the driver's side door opened. The first thing I saw was a long leg, then a head and an arm. The arm and leg were so long, the person had to be very tall.

A man climbed out and stood on the sidewalk, looking up at my building.

"Me---!"

I almost called out to him, but I clapped both hands over my mouth and huddled down on the balcony.

He didn't see me, did he? But what's Mew doing here?

My heart thudded intensely. I took several deep breaths to calm myself down, then nervously peeked over the edge of the balcony. The car was still there, but Mew was gone.

"Oh man. What was I thinking?"

I ruffled my hair with one hand. Just then, I heard the intercom in my room buzz.

I jerked up in shock and stiffened. Just as my heart was beginning to calm down, it had leapt back into full speed.

From the timing of it, it seemed like it had to be Mew, but maybe by some wild chance, in all of Tokyo, one of Mew's friends lived here. That was almost too incredible to believe, so he had to be there to see me. I remained frozen and the bell sounded again, urgently.

Slowly I crawled back into the room and closed the window. I cautiously approached the door, not making a noise, getting closer to look out through the peephole.

"Gulf!"

There was no way he could jave seen me, but Mew just had that kind of irritating timing. So it really was Mew! I could tell without seeing him, just from the sound of his voice.

What would I do? My mind was filled with that single question. I had only just confirmed my feelings for him, and now suddenly I would face him. I didn't think I could stay calm.

"Hey, Gulf! I saw you on the balcony! I know you're in there."

I could hear how impatient he was for me to open the door.

If my neighbors called the manager because he was making so much noise in the hallway, that would be bad. If someone called the police, that would be worse. I unlocked the door silently and slo-o-owly opened it.

TBC