Dear Binnie / YEONBIN

ten.

Dear Diary,

it's been almost two months since soobin first got in the hospital, the doctors kept adding more and more weeks as time went by and they still haven't said why. i really hope everything goes okay, but at the same time it doesn't seem like he's getting any better. 

since he still has school i have to bring him the work each day, i don't mind since i would still visit him everyday.  even so, his grades are really good. i helped him study the best i could, i kinda failed so we called taehyun to help since he has a 3.9 GPA so, he's pretty smart.

but then hueningkai heard and hueningkai told beomgyu so then we ended up all having a study group session at the hospital with soobin. taehyun is a pretty good teacher not gonna lie. if he saw me putting 'gonna' instead of 'going to' he would've yelled at me too...

oh, it's time to go to school now. bye!

06/27/2017

06/26/2017

as soobin boredly watched the random movie channel on the tv and yawned his attention was quickly put on the loud sobbing from his mother on the other side of the doors. concerned, he waited for someone to come in. "what happened?" he softly asked once his mother and his regular doctor came in, knowing it had to do something with him. and that it was bad. 

but at this point, what else could have gone wrong? 

"unfortunately, the meds you've been taking every day with us. all the check ups, everything. none of it is working. the only option left is a heart replacement operation." the doctor sighed, soobin blinked before looking back at his mother who was still trying to stop crying. "we don't have the money for that don't we?" soobin's mother shakily said no, barely able to get a single word out.

"i asked them to double the pills, but they refused" soobin's mother then said. "it'll kill him ma'am, we're so-" "he's going to end up dead either way isn't he?!" she then yelled, her voice cracking as her voice rose. "mom!" soobin yelled, preventing soobin's mom to continue yelled at the doctor.

 "it's okay. i'll be okay, thank you sir. for trying your best" soobin said, pretending as if his own tears weren't slowly rolling down his face either. "s-soobin..i don't want my baby gone- i don't want you gone" she sobbed, shaking as he she hugged soobin. 

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06/27/2017

"hey binnie~" yeonjun smiled, knocking on the door as his head peeked into the room. soobin's eyes widened, trying to tidy up a bit before yeonjun actually entered, "um- h-hey hyung, do you have my test results? wait don't show me! just tell me if it's good or not." soobin said, pushing the papers away from him. 

yeonjun nodded, wondering why soobin seemed strange but ignored it "okay.. and it's..oh- um" yeonjun scratched the back of his neck. "what? is it bad?" soobin pouted, taking the math test papers from yeonjun. "i hate you- you scared me" soobin groaned, seeing a B+ written on top of the sheet. yeonjun laughed before quickly apologizing. "i got a B+ too" yeonjun said before they changed the topic. 

"um, hyung. i actually wanted to talk to you about something important.." soobin bit his lip nervously. "alright, what is it?" "so..yesterday they told me-- and my family why i haven't been able to leave yet." soobin continued, "really? it's not anything serious is it?" yeonjun asked, soobin smiled a bit to scared to say what he was planning to say.

"binnie? it's not something bad, right?" yeonjun asked again, this time concern and panic in his voice. soobin inhaled deeply, "the pills aren't working on me. my- mom said to double it but that would just kill me..q-quicker" soobin sighed. "quicker? what do you mean?" yeonjun blinked, asking as if he didn't already know. 

he knew of course, but this time it didn't feel like there was any hope. "s-so what now? you're just going to give up?" yeonjun asked, his voice getting unsteady. "w-we considered heart replacement surgery - but we can't. we just can't" soobin breathed out, it was too hard to tell this to someone. 

"why not? is it too expensive? m-my dad has a lot of money. i haven't talked to him in years but- he can give you money for it. i'll call him right now, yeah-" "yeonjun. please stop." soobin whispered, his voice cracking to actually speak it loud as how he wanted it to. "don't make it harder than it already is- just...please." soobin cried, tears starting to roll down his cheeks. 

"but you can't just- you can't..you're about to become eighteen- this- this isn't fair. why..wh-" yeonjun began to lose track of his breathing, causing more panic in him. "yeonjun- hyung" soobin called, wanting to get up from the bed but he just couldn't move a bit. once yeonjun got close enough to get ahold of his hands soobin pulled him closer.

"hyung. breath in. breath out, yeah?" soobin said, trying to distract yeonjun by caressing his hand. it took a while but once yeonjun actually realized what soobin was doing he calmed down little by little. "see hyung, you're alright" soobin smiled softly. "but you're not" yeonjun breathed out, desperately trying to reach for soobin. as if he would just disappear, and maybe he kinda was going to soon. not now, but soon. 

after a few hours passed by it was time for yeonjun to go home again. 'bye hyung, be careful" soobin smiled, yeonjun waved walking out of the room. once he was gone soobin sighed, reaching for the school work yeonjun had brought for him. before he knew it yeonjun came in running inside the room, giving him a small kiss his head "you be careful too, yeah? don't forget to finish that paper fully, you know how our teacher is~" yeonjun laughed as he casually walked out once again.

after a while soobin's nurse came in, "ah- nayeon noona. is it time already? can i please finish this first, i only need one more question i swear! ...but, why are we even still doing this by the way?" soobin and his nurse happened to close in a way. soobin's older sister and his nurse, nayeon used to be best friends when they were still in high school. to soobin, nayeon was almost like an older sister too. nayeon smiled, "actually, since you requested for no medication anymore since they would be useless at this point i came here to talk to you. " she said. 

soobin looked away for a split second, knowing what this was about. "i'm sorry." she said, sadness in her voice. "we tried our best, you're so young soobin. i'm so sorry you have to go through this right now." she added, sighing. soobin smiled once again. " and i thank you for it, i do. and..why are you speaking like that? you're only twenty-five." soobin laughed quietly. nayeon sighed, rolling her eyes. 

"noona, can i ask you something?" soobin then said, nayeon nodded. "do you think that now, that i don't have anything to do here really. i could enjoy atleast a while with my friends and family back at home before i actually go?" he asked, nayeon smiled, patting soobin's head. "if you would like to. then, of course." she said.

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alrightyy only like two or three chapter left cries