Poems Of Different Kinds

Selfish Heart V2.0

07/03/2021, 2:21 am.

Hi, baby. There are some things I'd like to say that I'm unable to express verbally so I'm writing it here.

I am going to hurt you.

Up until today, I'm constantly battling with myself as to why I allowed us to happen. I hated how I easily opened up to you and dated you consecutively without having second thoughts and how I wished you were an asshole but no. You were a fucking gentleman and I hated you more because I've lost hope that men with the likes of you still exist. I couldn't even believe that I invited you for a three-day getaway in the middle of nowhere and I despised how I enjoyed every millisecond, not wanting it to end.

I know I'm not yet healed completely with my issues especially my insecurities both personally and in relationships. You have no idea as to how many times I answer my own thoughts who keeps on repeating that I do not deserve to be loved, that there's nothing lovable in me, and that I do not deserve your heart but you've given it in the hands of a reckless girl who stupidly accepted it and exchanged hers.

I'm fucking scared as to how fast I got attached to you and I am in denial that this is real. That you are real or more so, that we are real. For each day that passes by when I'm happy talking to you, there is still this small voice inside my head telling me to stop this bullshit and I'd rather be alone. I'm even more scared that for a long time, I've cursed the idea of marriage but if I'd be impulsive right now, I'd run away with you after signing our matrimony certificates. See how crazy that sounds? Yep. It ain't normal. Nuh-uh. You're a whole lot of crazy.

But I do not want you to romanticize the thought of me as your willing bride as my mind switches in a blink of an eye. Why can't I just love you freely despite all the possible complications? I don't know. I'm just not allowing myself to do so. At a random time of the day, I feel like I can drop you like we didn't happen and that's the shittiest thought I've been struggling to deal with. See how messed up my head is at times? I know. You were right. I am kinda crazy but not the insane type of crazy that should be locked up in a rehabilitation center or should I consider? 

You might ask, so if you're feeling this way, why did you say yes? Why did you made me feel that you love me back and why'd you accepted my love in the first place? Because you're a different type of love I'd like to experience and I'm genuinely happy when I'm talking to you and much more when I'm with you. It's just sad that at a certain point when I said I'd be here to support you from now on and I know I was also sincere but a part of me insisted that I only said it for the sake of you needing to hear it. I won't be staying for long. I can't stay too long. I don't think I can handle another relationship but believe me when I said I told God I wanted to keep you so bad. I want to keep this man for the rest of my life, I'm seeing him as my future but I don't think I'd last that long.

I'm weak, baby. I'm not as strong as everyone thinks and I know I look completely different like a ray of sunshine who could probably handle any hurricane but at 3 am or somewhere in the middle of dawn, I do not know what else am I going to do in this lifetime. Can I just give a part of my time to my mother and my brother? Or someone who wants to live longer. Humans are oddly complicated. If their fire is almost out, they'd want to be brighter but vice versa, they also want to burn the fire themselves. I guess I've just been tired that sometimes it's really hard to keep going and I'd rather just keep pushing people away so they can't add to my hurt and tiredness. I guess the point in all these is that I do not want to be vulnerable with you.

I feel like a tiny trigger that you'll do will result in me leaving you as an excuse. I hate how you're putting in all your efforts in this relationship and I hate how you want this to really work. I hate that I can feel every bit of your love when I don't want to love myself. I know it's still early but you've made millions of plans to see me in your future and I fucking hate that even more because I know I cannot fulfill it. I don't think we'd last beyond August. I will be going on a solo trip by the first week of September without you and I'm sorry baby. 

I'm just not for you.