BOREALIS ☽ Leah Clearwater ✔

Chapter 21... Try

The fire was all but embers by the time everyone had gone home. Only Jake, Charlie, and mom remained, all still sitting around the edge of the dying fire, chatting casually. Josh was there, too, but he wasn't involved in the conversation. His back was to me and all I could see was the edges of his face illuminated by the firelight.

I wanted to go to him. There was nothing I wanted more than to sit by his side and lean my head on his shoulder. But I couldn't make myself do it; instead I lurked at the edge of the house, Sam's words still ringing in my head.

I am hoping you would, perhaps, learn from my mistakes.

Anger shook through me. I kicked a chunk of concrete that had broken off the back step. It skipped across the grass, and disappeared into the woods with a clatter. I wished I could follow after it, rip out of my human form and go for a run. I needed to clear my head.

But...

My gaze travelled to Josh, again, his distant form sitting at the fire's edge, wishing I could join him. Even if I wouldn't let myself be by him, I also wouldn't allow myself to leave. The mere idea of going too far, of being out of his reach, was painful.

This was so stupid! I paced around in an agitated huff. This was all so fucking stupid.

Stupid Sam. I wanted to hate him and his stupid request. I wanted to rat him out to Emily, tell her exactly what he had said to me. It would hurt her, but she deserved to know. Maybe, finally, she'd see Sam for what he really was... And I'd have my revenge, at last.

No.

I stopped myself, pausing my pacing to inhale a big breath, calming the angry beast within. That vengeful thought was exactly the problem, and, worst of all, it told me what I feared the most was true... that Sam wasn't lying when he told me he still loved me.

I knew that imprinting didn't eradicate the feelings that were there before. It only... grows over them, like a tree spreading its roots through the remnants of an abandoned house. No matter how strong the foundation, how grand the house, the roots will eventually invade and take over. It was only a matter of time.

There was no resisting nature.

And as much as I hated to admit it, my feelings for Sam were still there, too. Even though I had tried my best to push them down and forget them in the wake of all the hurt and pain he caused, they were still there, trapped in the overgrown basement of my heart.

Josh's roots may slipping in, growing over him, and one day he may crumble to dust, but for now... Sam was still there.

I dropped myself down on the back step and hung my head.

This was so fucking stupid.

I raised my head and looked over at Josh again.

So, Sam wanted me to wait until he got better acquainted with his newfound brother. Maybe that was fair. Maybe I could do that, be the bigger person that Sam wasn't, and give them that chance. That's what an imprint was supposed to do, right? Be whatever they needed?

Even if it was just a friend?

The thought wasn't as painful as I thought it would be. Of course I wanted Josh—in an animal, instinctual kind of way. But if he needed me to be something else, then that would be okay. I could live with that. As long as I was in his life.

As long as I wasn't alone anymore...

In some kind of way, it was freeing. Josh had helped grow over the wounds Sam had left; without that lingering pain, I could choose whoever I wanted. Even if they would always pale in comparison to Josh... Even if I would go running the minute Josh changed his mind.

That was the crux of it. Regardless of what Sam had asked of me, regardless of what he felt, of what I felt, what mattered was what Josh wanted.

I had to talk to him.

But before I could move, Jake was stood up from his seat over by the fire. From afar it looked like he was giving his goodbyes to mom and Charlie. He motioned to Josh, who snapped out of his trance and stood up, too.

Perfect timing.

I readied myself, unsure of where we were going. We couldn't stay here; there wasn't enough room for another person and it'd be too weird for my mom and Seth. It wasn't like he could share my room; I didn't think I could trust myself to spend a night alone with him.

Jacob now spent his nights at the Cullen's; I wondered if he was going to invite us to stay there, though I wasn't sure how well that would go over with Josh. Whatever, he must have some kind of plan.

I walked over to meet them as they headed my way.

"Where to, boss?" I asked Jake.

In the dark, it was hard to make out his exact expression, but there was something tense there—I could feel it. "I'm taking Josh to stay in one of the elder's hunting cabins."

My brow furrowed up and my eyes slid to Josh, who wasn't really looking at me. "Oh?"

Jake nodded and shifted awkwardly. "I'll... let you guys talk for a bit. I gotta grab something from inside."

I wanted to ask him what he needed when he brushed by me, but I knew that it was just an excuse to leave me and Josh alone. Though mom and Charlie were still by the fire, they were far enough away that they were out of earshot.

"A cabin, huh?" I offered, my voice shaking with anxiety. I sounded like a child.

"Yeah," Josh answered, his answer as stiff as his shoulders. "It was nice of Mr. Green to offer his place for me to stay in, at least for a while."

"And you're going to stay there... alone?" I didn't know how else to ask. Did he want me there with him?

He let out a large breath and brought his hand up to rub at the back of his head. "That's the, uh, thing. I think it'd be better if I did stay there alone."

Suddenly the night got so much colder. "I see."

"It's not because I don't want you there," he said, it all coming out in a rush. "In fact, that's the problem—I do want you there. I want you with me. But with everything that's happened..." He let out another breath. "I think that, maybe, I need to be on my own, for a little bit."

I nodded. I couldn't blame him for that. And if that's what he wanted, what he needed, then I knew there was no way I was going to deny him of it—whether I wanted to or not.

Damn imprinting.

"But," Josh began. There was something in his voice that brought a flicker of hope to my heart. "Maybe this will give you a chance to figure out what you want, too, Leah."

Finally, I met his eyes. In the dark, it was hard to see him, but his eyes shone like glittering obsidian. He had asked me the same question in the house. What did I want?

I still didn't have a good answer.

"One more thing," Josh breathed, stepping closer. "I'd... like to try something."

"Anything," I sputtered, before even thinking about it.

He reached for me, cupping my cheek in his large hand. I just stood there. I knew well enough I wasn't going to stop him. He pulled me closer and leaned down to kiss me.

His kiss was tender, careful. Lovely. I leaned into it, pressing myself to him. It wasn't like the first time we kissed, where we had been consumed by the flame of lust. This was sweeter, softer. Deeper. Something stirred in me, something rooted at my very core.

He pulled away, breaking the kiss. I wanted to reach out and pull him to me again, but I restrained myself.

"Hmm," was all he said. Then: "Thank you. For everything."

Then he let me go and followed Jake into the house.