BOREALIS ☽ Leah Clearwater ✔

Chapter 25... Alone

Josh followed me into the forest. I didn't go very far before we stopped, just far enough that we'd have some privacy. Then I turned to him. Seeing him standing there, alone with me, under the boughs of the fir and spruce trees, brought back a strange flood of memories.

First, the uncomfortable dream I had the night before where Sam prevented me and him from coming together.

And second, the day we first met and I found him in the woods next to the stream.

The last thought made the heat deep in my belly flare hot again. Inside my head, some wild, untamed part of me reared her head. She was the full wolf part of me, more monster than human. All she thought about was the taste of his mouth, the feel of his skin, his hands...

She wanted me to rip my clothes off and beckon him to me.

I swallowed hard, pushing her back. Not now! I was better than this monster, better than my instincts.

"What did you want to talk to me about?" Josh asked, finally. I had let the silence drag on for too long.

"I know what I want," I said, the words coming out in a rush.

"Huh?" was all Josh had to say.

"You asked me, remember?" I said, my face flaring with heat. This was all so embarrassing. I had gotten so used to closing myself off, that it was hard to open up again. Like I had forgotten how. "That day, in my bedroom, before you met the packs, you asked me what I wanted, really wanted, beyond what imprinting told me I wanted. And I've given it a lot of thought about it... and I know, now."

Josh's expression settled into something serious, ready to listen. I was thankful for that, at least. I half expected that he'd make that same face so many—Sam, Jacob, my mom—had before... Exasperated. Disinterested. Annoyed. But he was giving me his full attention. Even if he wasn't ready to let me into his life, he at least still cared, at least a little. It gave me the strength to continue.

"I-I guess it's more of what I don't want," I said, my voice trembling. "I d-don't want to be alone anymore."

He just looked at me, his brows scrunching up with confusion. But he didn't say anything, so I assumed he was waiting for me to explain.

I let out a big breath before I continued. "I've been alone for a long time. Do you know what happened between me and Sam?"

Josh nodded. "Yeah. He told me."

I raised my eyebrows. "Did he?" Is that why Josh was being so weird around me? I didn't know how well I trusted Sam to accurately explain what happened without making me look like the bad guy.

Well, I can tell my story now.

"Then you know that I lost everything," I said. "Everyone I loved was torn away from me. I know it's weird to say it, but I loved Sam. And Emily was more than just my cousin... she was my best friend."

Josh frowned like this was news to him. Yeah, I figured Sam might've left that part out.

"Sam broke my heart when he left me, and then Emily broke it again when she chose him over me. And then everyone treated me like I was a villain! Like I was in the wrong for being broken-hearted. Even my own parents. My relationship with my mom and Seth still isn't the same..."

The frown stayed on Josh's face. I couldn't read it beyond that. Did he think I was pathetic? Or did he actually understand how much it had hurt me?

"A-And I didn't even understand why," my voice trembled. My vision blurred. "Everyone else did, but I was completely in the dark. I didn't know what imprinting was! Not that it would've made much difference. But then I did, finally, transform..." I gave a shuddering gasp, "...and I lost my dad, too."

Josh suddenly stepped forward, like he wanted to come to comfort me, but then stopped himself. My heart shuddered, even though I wasn't sure I wanted him to close the distance. I wanted to get this out first.

"And even after all that, I was a freak. The only female werewolf. The pack never welcomed me. I'm always the odd one out, the leftover, the problem... And I'm sick of it." I felt tears slide down my cheeks. When had I started crying? It didn't matter. I couldn't stop it now. "I'm sick of being alone. I've been alone for a long, long time."

Josh just looked confused, now. "You're not alone. You have Jacob and his pack..."

I scoffed. "For a long time, Jake barely even tolerated me. We're better now, I respect him, but we're not actually close. I can't... rely on him. His priority is the vamp—the Cullens."

Josh bit into his lip and turned his gaze away. Yeah, he, of all people, understood what it meant to harbour resentment towards the vampires, no matter how friendly they were. Just for the fact that their mere existence ruined your life.

"But do you understand now? What I want—what I want more than anything—is to not being alone anymore." My voice began to shake again. "We don't have to be together-together. We don't have to be lovers. We can be friends, real friends. That would be enough."

Josh met my gaze again, his dark brown eyes glowing with warmth.

"B-But," I added, holding my hand up. "If you don't w-want me as a c-companion, then let me go. Because if I have to stay here and suffer through this again, I don't think I can do it. Let me leave here and make a life for myself somewhere else."

Josh just stared at me. I shifted awkwardly in front of him, flicking my gaze up at him as I waited for him to speak.

Finally, he did. "I don't want you to be alone, either."

My shoulders sank. There was more to that, I could tell. "But...?"

Josh sighed. "I don't know what I want," he said, his voice soft and gentle. "I know, I feel dumb. I pushed you for your answer, but I don't know what I want for myself. A lot has changed for me, too. I've lost people, too. I'm still trying to figure it all out."

I nodded. This is exactly what Mom had said. The monster inside me roared in pain—she just wanted to jump his bones—but I held her back. Being an imprint didn't mean doing what I wanted. It meant giving him what he wanted, what he needed, just as he would for me.

Right?

"I can give you the time to figure it out," I said. "But not forever."

He nodded. "I understand. I wouldn't do that to you. I'm not sure how much time I'd need. A month, maybe? At least?"

A month? A month seemed like forever—at least to the new monster that had taken root in my head—but I could handle a month. 

"I can give you that. And even after that, we can go slow. We don't have to shack up immediately after the month is done." I gave a weak laugh. 

Josh gave a small snort of laughter, too, but the humour didn't reach his eyes.

I sighed. "But I can't wait forever. I need to know. I need you to decide."

Josh gave me a smile, the first real smile I had seen in days. "I can do that."