Fear to Let Go

Chapter 12

That evening I was only crying, it was so hard to stop. I forgot though that Iris was coming back to me. Yet as she moved the door I came right to her, telling her to get out. Totally shocked and confused she stared at me.

„You're telling me something about love and then you're sleeping with someone else?! Why did you?! Where do you take the right from to play with my heart just like that...?!"

Iris only stared at me, also tearing up, holding her hands in front of her mouth.

„S-Scyaram, no, please, I-"

„S-Shut.. shut up..."

I held my hand in front of her. I didn't wanna hear about it anymore, so I just left back inside, slamming the door. Iris knocked heavily while also crying.

„Scyaram, please..! Let us talk!"

„Leave me alone!! Just leave...!"

Both of us were just a crying mess at the end of the day. It hurt so much. Suddenly I just hated those fantasies I had about her, just wanted to erase them. That's not how memories work though. Until the dawn I was lying on the floor in front of the door and as it seemed, so did Iris. That night was wasted time, simply wasted. Useless. As I stopped crying I carefully got up to the bathroom, washing my face and looking in the mirror. Why you, Iris...? My thoughts were spinning around and was not sure what to do. If my emotional outburst even made sense at all. After all, we were never in a relationship. Even so I felt betrayed. I waited a while before I got back to the door, slowly opening it, facing her. From her looks she had been crying as well, the whole night, like me. We only looked at each other for a moment.

„It's... cold outside."

I reached out my hand to her which she hesitated to accept, yet I got her inside. Truly, it was about to get winter. I grabbed a blanket, putting it around her as we looked at each other. Yet I looked away and let her sit down on the sofa, making a tea for both of us. Waira told me it used to show good manner of some kind. As I put the tea on the table for us, I sat down, a bit away from her as it stayed silent. It was so loud though, the silence.

„Do... my actions even make sense...?"

She looked at me a little, but then away again, nodding.

„Even though we weren't in any form of relationship...?"

Again she agreed.

„I'm sorry, Scyaram... I know what I did is horrible. I'm so disgusting..."

„Was that, really something that bothered you? That we.. I.. couldn't do such stuff?"

She teared up again in guilt, looking at me.

„Scyaram, I never lied to you about what I feel... I do love you. I just, wanted it so badly that I didn't care at all and then I just..."

Sadly I closed my eyes as she was wiping her tears with the blanket. For a moment I only heard her sniffing as I looked into the tea.

„I wanted to tell you... how much you actually mean to me. How much I tried to let you get close to me, how many struggles my mind and heart gave me. God damn, even now, when I look at you, I'll get nervous, because you're so beautiful and lovingly. I loved the kiss. I enjoyed every second of it..."

I teared up as well.

„... Iris, why did you just have to do this??"

Fast she hugged me, and I didn't even push her away, instead hugging her back as we both just cried into each other.

„I'm sorry that I can't give you what you want, Iris...!"

„No, stop, I'm sorry for being so damn disgusting...!"

„Stop saying you're disgusting already, you're the most beautiful person I've ever seen...!"

„Then you stop apologizing for needing more time to get used to love...!"

Love. In the end, it has us crying onto ourselves, spending the night together in my bedroom. Both of us were exhausted of all the emotional things going on lately, and yet somehow we still managed to find a way to slowly heal. We couldn't quite let go of each other, as we still shared a few kisses here and there. We had feelings, truly, yet the topic was never going too deep, rather jokingly. We never went on dates anymore. However, a few days later only, the humans somehow managed to get close to us again. Neither me nor Iris would just hide. We fought for our home. Suddenly though Iris was surrounded. Real concerned I tried to help her, but they got her before I could even get closer. No. Iris. Furiously I attacked them, not missing a single hit, killing them immediately. Fast I ran up to Iris, holding her close into my arms.

„S..cya..ram..."

„Shh, calm, I'm here."

Quickly I grabbed some plants, getting useful stuff out of them and put them onto her wound. She was bleeding so much. With tears in my eyes I kept trying though as she weakly held onto my hands.

„It's... no.. use..."

„S-Stop, don't say this..! You'll be fine!"

She was so weak and as she closed her eyes I woke her again. I couldn't let her go. Not like this. We looked at each other's eyes one last time.

„F..in..d... your... some..one..."

„Iris, stop...!"

„I ... love... you... Sc..ya..ram..."

Tears ran down my face as I begged her to stay, but it was all too late. Tightly I held her into my arms, crying.

„But so do I ..."

I kept holding her into my arms for a long time until Hanta came to me carefully, telling me it's time to let her go. That heartache was worse than the first one she gave me. I turned my head to Hanta.

„Can't we.. bury her...?"

He looked at me for a moment, nodding kindly at me. I insisted to do it myself though, so he left me alone as we came to the place I was finding fitting. In front of a big purple stone at the end of the forest. And then, one of the saddest times in my life began...