Love & Ruins (#2)

Chapter Thirty-Five

Chapter Thirty-Five: Evan

I should want this.

This should feel right, nothing about this should feel like a loss. If anything, I should be celebrating this.

I should be jumping up and down knowing the closure I've wanted has been given to me, that there's no ambiguity between me and Maggie anymore.

There's no need to read between the lines and second guess every interaction because when people tell you what they feel, you should believe them.

But how come I have a hard time doing that?

It's not because I don't believe her, I do. I would never question her judgment because she knows herself better than anyone. We've known each for so long but that doesn't give me the right to dictate her choices; heck, even Levi, who she's dated for God knows how long doesn't have the right.

Even if you think you know a person, even if you justify your intrusion by saying it's love, the second you take away a person's agency, and make their choices for them? That's when you should reevaluate whether it's them that you love, or an archetype you've constructed in your head.

I've seen Maggie at her best, and I've seen her at her worst, and there have been moments in the past where her decisions upset me, where she made me want to take the steering wheel and hurl us into a different direction.

But over time, I've learned that when you love someone... you love them despite all the things that get in the way of you loving them. Even when it becomes unbearable, even when the sight of them with someone new makes your insides burn; you ignore the pain because loving someone is about wanting what's best for them, not what's best for you.

We've gone our separate ways, that was made clear when she told me I should ask Alyssa out; everything worked in my favor but somehow, everything still feels wrong.

Be it denial or because I can never be satisfied when things don't go my way.

Why is it that I'm not satisfied? There's no obscurity anymore, all I need now is to take that one final step, and make things official with Alyssa. To not only convince Maggie I've moved on...

But to also convince myself.

That's why as I stand outside Alyssa's apartment, my mind is determined to get this over with. To close the chapter I've been writing for God knows how long, and accept this is how our story ends.

"Evan?"

I looked up, and the sight of Alyssa's face came to view. Her eyes are wide and in her moment of stupor I took a second to examine her appearance - she was in a pair of sweatpants and a hoodie. Her hair is tied into a loose hanging ponytail, and her face is bare, which made her freckles look more prominent, as she tends to conceal them with makeup.

I smiled "I like you better this way,"

Her eyebrows sowed in confusion until realization dawned on her, and she was quick to close the door, leaving the tiniest gap open, as she hid her face on the other side.

"Can you like, give me two minutes to get ready?"

I chuckled, putting my hand on the door as I gently nudged it open "You know I wouldn't care if I saw you wearing a plastic bag, right? Come on, let me in, I brought takeout."

Her gaze flickered to my hands which indeed, held paper bags that contained Chinese food "Okay... only since you bought food, I'll set aside my pride."

She stepped aside and let me into her apartment. I scanned the area and it looked like any other cramped apartment here in NYC owned by a financially struggling college student.