Love & Ruins (#2)

Chapter Sixteen

Chapter Sixteen: Maggie

The act of wanting is so destructive because of how limitless it is, to allow yourself to crave one or two things so leisurely despite the awareness that you'll end up settling for what you need.

How we can already hold possession of something but secretly yearn for something else but is way out of our reach due to various reasons.

Whether it be wrong timing, being in the wrong place, or simply not being compatible with the physicality of that which you want, sometimes it just feels great to imagine in theory.

But that doesn't stop the desperation, the more you try to suppress it, the more you're just gonna want something that's not good for you, or what you're not ready for.

I can't decide between either of those reasons which suit me and Evan the most.

It's almost unbearable to say that what I had shared with Evan was not good for me therefore the universe conspired to take it away, we had our occasional bumps in the road, it wasn't fucking perfect all the time, but I learned so much being with him.

To start from a point that seemed almost unfixable to that of a connection we kept harvesting new lessons from each time we spent a second with each other.

It didn't start out smoothly, that's for sure, and I'm fairly certain we could've done way better, but it was the good half of it that I'll always hold dear to my heart and what stops me from completely saying that what we had was unredeemable.

It's possible that we weren't completely good for each other, but that doesn't mean that there wasn't a point where it didn't feel like it.

I've always felt undeserving of him, and maybe he felt the same way with me too, but we had each other and there came a time where that alone was enough.

As for not being ready to get into a committed relationship, it's easier to use that as an excuse considering it seems more plausible. At least to me, it is.

We were young, we didn't know what the hell we were doing let alone what was good for us. Even now, I'm still trying to figure out what it is that I want and even if I do decide I want something, I have to question what its desirability means to me.

We wanted to believe we were ready to devote ourselves to plans we weren't even sure we would be able to sustain in the long run, but we liked to believe we could try.

So it's easier to say that we rushed into it too quickly and compelled the universe to put a stop to our story because if it wasn't going to be us, it had to be something beyond us who had to tear us apart, something more powerful than two reckless hearts who wanted nothing more but to love and be loved.

Violent delights have violent ends, after all.

Now it's just a matter of reminding myself of those reasons, whatever it may be at this point, like picking from a whirlwind of balls from a bingo machine, just as long as I have something to hold onto that brings me back down to reality, then so be it.

Discipline is a must.

It was hard having to attend classes after what happened yesterday, agonizing even, having to reprimand myself to stay self-composed despite feeling like I'm falling apart from the inside, almost like a crumbling sandcastle with only bits and pieces of pebble-sized rationality left to keep me grounded on shore.

But if I were the malleable land, he's the unrelenting tidal wave about to consume me.

Seeing glimpses of him from afar was enough to reduce the littlest bit of restraint I have left into ashes, and it's crazy to think how I've allowed this man to have this much power over me, that the sight of him alone manages to make me go weak at the knees.