Love & Ruins (#2)

Chapter Thirty

Chapter Thirty: Maggie

Days have passed since the tragic confrontation I had with Evan.

After what happened I came to terms with the fact that as long as Evan and I aren't comfortable talking about our past we can't just disclose personal details about our lives now.

If the perspectives were switched and Evan probed me about Levi, I'd be just as uncomfortable and wouldn't know how to answer either, let alone consider answering.

It was easy for me to ignore the humiliation when I thought more about what Evan must've felt instead of focusing only on myself. Upon realizing that, I found it easier to let go of the embarrassment because were my feelings more important than Evan's discomfort?

Still, I'd be lying if I said the same thoughts don't trouble me. It was inevitable that despite doing my best to suppress my curiosity, it entertained ideas that were borderline... psychotic. Sometimes I'll catch Evan staring down at his phone from across the room, a smile on his face, and that was enough to make me skeptical.

I wondered if he only avoided my questions to spare my feelings, and is only pitying me because he's moved on.

I know all of these thoughts are just a product of me overthinking the situation, but it still didn't stop the bitterness from manifesting in very ugly ways.

I can't deny that I am an open book. There are times when I concealed the intensity of it all, but even though Evan Williams brings out the best in me, he also brings out the worst.

Not that he does it intentionally, but because seeing him end up with anybody else is enough to trigger emotions in me that are too dark and twisted;

That I wonder if I was paying back my sins for loving him by finding ways to hate him instead.

* * *

It took a while before he dropped the issue.

Not that he bothered me about it, but it was obvious he still needed closure. However, he isn't one to persist on an issue especially when it makes the other person uncomfortable.

He's accommodating, which is why it was easy for me to adjust to my new living conditions, unlike the first time I moved into his apartment and avoided him like the plague. These days we can just run into each other, exchange a few greetings, and let it be... not awkward.

It was refreshing, and perhaps I would've never admitted this in the beginning, but those short, brief interactions are the highlight of my day, because they serve as a reminder that despite how long it's been, the connection isn't lost.

I can't explain it, but it's almost like walking through the house you grew up in while the lights are off. It's been years since you've last gone through those narrowed corridors, climbed those creaky stairs, and walked into your old room.

The place is engulfed in darkness but you still know where to go. You know which direction to get to the bathroom, kitchen, your parent's bedroom, or the attic where you spent many nights having sleepovers with your siblings.

It's old, it's decaying and one of these days it might collapse. But it's still the same home in your mind, the little palace that felt so vast and welcoming when you were younger, stayed quite the same even as you grew older. Like a map that was engraved in your mind.

That's what Evan feels like to me, after all these years.

That's why when Monday rolled around and I noticed Evan hadn't left his room- which was strange, as he tends to wake up before me - the alarm bells in my head instantly went off.