Can I love you?

Stay

Billie's pov:

The last few days I spend with it to think about y/n and that was I saw. I didn't was thinking, that something can hurt me like that. But it does. 

I can't get this scene out of my head, it plays over and over. The thought of it, remember me time we had together, the nights we shared, the feeling of her lips against mine, feeling the warm of her skin, being with her, talking with her, just sitting there and looked at her and enjoying her company. Today I didn't have she in my lessons but I wanted to talk with her, I didn't know what to say to her. Because this all feel really weird but I get the feeling not away that I have to do it. I don't want to do it, I was afraid, at the answer I would get, at the words that would fall from our lips.

The rest of the day passed fast, and there second I didn't think about y/n and the kiss with the strange girl she had yesterday. The things we could say and how the talk can end. So many thoughts in my head that caught me and all about her. I was afraid to write her and to ask if we can meet after school on a place where we are alone, that no one can see us. It was not a question for me to ask she if she can. I have to do it if I want or not. I did the mistake and didn't talk with her the past few weeks about us, and now I have to do it. What we are and what is with us. What is this with the girl and with her, does this mean something or does that what we have mean something?. She answered fast as I wrote her that I want to see she after school and she agreed. I send her the location where and what time. I was a bit earlier there as I said to her to be there. But I can't wait anymore. I lean against mine car, my arms crossed over my chest and looking around if I can see she here. But it takes almost 10 minutes who felt like a infinity time until I saw she walking around the corner toward me.

Your pov:

I was in the break with Emma as Billie wrote me a message that she want to meet me after school. I agreed and she send me the location. I take my phone into my pocket and looked to Emma who stand next to me. "Is all okay?" she asked and smiled at me. I was in  thoughts as she asked me. Thinking  about why she want to talk now. "Yes all  good" I smiled back. I didn't know what we are now, this all confused me a lot, and my head was full with questions, around Billie. The only thing I can do was to meet her and listen what she have to say. It drives me crazy that I don't really know about what she want to talk, but there was not really a change to ask she now. Emma would ask me what is and what should I say when someone other ask me why I am not in the break and running through the school, searching Billie. So I have to waiting until the school was over. Emma asked me if I want to go in the park with her or what I want, and I told her of course but before I have to go somewhere other and then I would meet she there. So I make my way to the location that Billie send me. I was a bit late and as I walked around the corner, I saw she leaning against her car looking at me. I came closer and stand now right in front of her.

"Is all okay Billie?", "i don't know. It is?".Her voice was not so how she always talk to me, I can hear in her voice that she was a bit angry or so at something. "I- I don't know what you mean", "did I ever mean something to you y/n?" Billie suddenly ask and the question froze me. Of course, she mean so much for me but she didn't give me the feeling to mean something to her.
I still didn't answer her. We both stand there, looking at each other. "Answer me y/n" she almost bagged at me to answer her. "Did I mean something to you Billie?. Ever. Was there one time that you cared more about me then about your hopeless marriage?". And there was it. Something I didn't want to say to her. "You hurt me Billie. More then once I can't this anymore" tears build in my eyes and I try to hold then back. "When I ever hurt you?!", "as I wanted to help you with your husband who hurt you. Do you think I like it to sleep with you and see the bruises that he make?. Of course I care about you, I did it but it hurt, to see you so."

"Don't you see that I'm trying to fix that all?" she ask upset. "What do you mean with 'that'?. Do you mean your marriage?, that was we have or what we don't have, and also I didn't know what that is" I yelled back at her. "Oh and what was this yesterday with this girl  after school?". I look at her, she saw us and I was not sure if it was anger that I can see in her eyes or pain. "Is she the reason why we didn't saw each other a few weeks and that you was always on your phone, smiling when you get a message?" Billie add and look at me, with tears in her eyes. "No you are the reason", I saw she frozen at my answer, not can believe that I really said that she was the reason all the weeks. I feel the tears that I tried to hold back the whole time rolling out of my eyes, over my cheeks. I can't hold them anymore back, it was to late.

Billie's pov:

I froze as I heard she say that I am the reason why it was so the last few weeks. I didn't want to hurt she but I did. She wiped the tears from her eyes away with the sleeve of her jacket.

 "You  let me feel things I've never felt before, with no one, never. But this hurt me more then anything before. I was thinking that what I felt for Nick was so much but no it was not. I don't want to see you hurt anymore, or I just want to go out with you, without being afraid that some teacher or student can see us. I want to hold your hand in public, kissing you, not only when we are sure that there is no one who can see us and being with you all the time. But I know we can't. You often said you don't want to sign the divorce and first I said okay. I tried every day to get the thought of my head what he do to you or so and I can't do this anymore. I tried it, a lot but you have to understand that there is a point where I can't anymore. And I also don't want that someone see us so close together and that you get problems". Please don't say it, I think to myself . "I don't want this for you and for me. You deserve more, and just you know what you can do, I can't help you there". 

I feel a sting in my chest at her words. It feels like someone rip my heart out of my chest.

Did I really destroy this all?

"And what is your way for it?" I ask she. "Not with you".

At her words, my heart feel like it broke in million of pieces. i don't want that it comes so. I thought that is the only right way, but that it would end so was not how I thought. 

"Will you say with this that we can't see us again?" I ask, the tears closer then before. I don't want to let she see me crying, not again. "Of course we will see us in school, but not after anymore. I'm sorry Billie" she almost whisper and grab her bag who stand next to her on the ground, not looking anymore at me. I grip her arm as she turn around to leave me. She immediately turn her head back around to me and our eyes meet again, her e/c eyes filled with tears, and some on her cheek. I can see that it also was not easy for her to do it, but she did.

Your pov:

I grab my back from the ground and just want to leave now. I didn't want to end this but I have to. It was the best for the both of us. As I wanted to go, she suddenly grab my arm to hold me back. Did she really think that is easy for me?. 

I turn my head to her and I look in her with also tears filled eyes. "Please don't leave me y/n". her grip get a bit stronger around my arm as I try to get out of her grip. "Billie let me go" I say louder to her. "please don't make it harder then it is" I beg to her. "Then when it is so hard to do it why are you do it then and leave me?". "YOU LEFT ME FIRST" I yelled and get out of her grip. We still look in each other eyes but she didn't say anything, she just stand there, looking at me. "I  tried to help you, but you always have to make it so difficult for me Billie, and now I can't it anymore. I have to fix out myself, school and then you. So please try to understand also me". I say and run away from her. Let she standing there alone, just wanting to be away now from her. 

Billie's pov:

"YOU LEFT ME FIRST" y/n yelled at me. I was unable to answer her, we both stand there looking at each other again. The she run away. I don't want to lose she, was unable to tell her and she make me clear that it was too late.