The Wolf Pack

Chapter 5

There comes a time in the life of every youngling when their resolve is tested. Before we even become Padawan, younglings have already questioned if that is really the path they wish to take. Some decide it's not worth the sacrifice, the pain, the extenuating hours of practice and physical strain. Most, at a young age, decide it's "cooler" to be a Jdi than to be a quitter. But no one really tells the story of a youngling. They tell the stories of Jedi Knights, of Jedi Masters, but never that of younglings.

The training of a Jedi is something most of the galaxy takes for granted. They assume that force sensitive children go breeze through it because well, they have the force, don't they? But there is a reason why not all force sensitive life forms can become Jedi. We need to know about the galaxy, about how to defend it, about languages, and history and cultures. But we also need to know how to lead armies, how to fight and win, how to lose those closest to us but not let our grief consume us. The path to being a Jedi is an extremely spiritual experience, but that does not make it any easier. Knowing yourself, your fears, your ambitions, knowing your demons and acknowledging them and not letting them consume you.

A common theme with younglings is thinking their parents gave them into the order because they weren't loved. Others have delusions of grandeur, they believe themselves special or better than others because they are force sensitive. Some have anxiety, some have depression, neurodivergence within the Jedi order is not uncommon, in fact it is expected. The influence of the force within the young minds makes for an extremely high rate in attention and mood disorders. This of course, is not spoken of, and masters treat each youngling as an individual case. Jedi younglings are taught according to their needs, but that does not mean it is an easy task for any of the parties involved.

Going through a personal, emotional or mental crisis during Jedi training is not uncommon. But younglings are never helped through it. The reasoning behind it is that if they manage to figure it out themselves, it will be a much rewarding lesson, and they'll be all the more powerful for it. That is mostly why many younglings quit the order during their last few years at the temple. That's the reason why I nearly did it myself. The difference was, I had friends to help me through it.

Ahsoka made sure to encourage me as much as she could, bringing meals back to our quarters when I was too busy studying, sometimes even forcing me to get some rest. Nahdar helped me hone my dueling skills day in and day out. Master Jocasta would make me quit my studying after a certain amount of hours in the library, and sometimes give me a few encouraging words.

I knew that making bonds was something the order discouraged, but it so happened to be that my bonds were what kept me strong, what kept me going, and I would not let that go. But what really put me at ease, was that I knew that if something were to happen to any of them, I would be ready to let them go. It would hurt, I would cry, scream, kick and break things, but I would get past it. It is true one does not know how we'll react once it does happen, but knowing there was no amount of grief that could turn me to the dark side was a certainty that allowed me to sleep at night. I had grown up among Tuskens, in a desolate planet full of death, but also full of life if you knew where to find it. Death was a part of life, and I had learned to embrace it in my time at the Dune Sea.

My self doubt grew steadily, my exhaustion started to take over my every thought, and my progress did not seem like enough. It was a time I remember with sorrow, a time when I was at one of the lowest points I've ever been. Yet there is nothing I would change about it, the lessons I learned while enduring were the most important. They were lessons on perseverance, on how to be kind and compassionate with oneself, on how to learn to rely on others for support when you feel like breaking down. Those were dark times in a place full of light, and the irony of it never escaped me.

Whenever a youngling was going through this, the Masters would try to nudge us in the right direction with little phrases and words of encouragement, sometimes of warning, and even the rare cold observation.

"Difficult the path to becoming a Jedi is. Yes, but rewarding is what we gain in the end."

"Learning how to overcome the self and one's emotions is the never ending task of a Jedi."

"If you fail at keeping your emotions in check, you will never be a Jedi."

Let's just say Master Ki-Adi Mundi was not the most popular master among the younglings.

As much as work and effort as it took, it was very rewarding in the end. Nahdar and I made it to the top of our class, and in five more years, we were told we would be taking part in the next gathering. The Gathering, the words every youngling dreamt of. The first step to becoming a Padawan. A quest to retrieve our own Kyber crystal and finally build our own lightsaber. From there, all that was left to do would be the final trials.

We were told to pack for an ice planet, we weren't told which. The trip would hopefully be only a few days long and by the end of it, we would be one step closer to being a Padawan. At the time, I didn't realize just how bad timing the Gathering had had. I was still in a rough place mentally, and at thirteen -going on fourteen- puberty wasn't being any help. At least I could make fun of Nahdar's voice cracking. That and that he apparently had a thing for a girl in the class below us. Of course he had to go and do something about it when I was being especially annoying and would kick my but in flight training. Not that I minded, it was a lot of fun.

But finally, the day came. And Master Yoda was waiting for us in the landing platform next to the transport's ramp.

"An important day in your path to becoming Jedi, this is." he said. "To retrieve your Kyber Crystals, we are. Many trials ahead you'll find. But if you follow the force, victorious you'll be."

We all started whispering to each other excitedly. Most of us, unaware that this would be our most difficult trial yet. Then, we boarded the ship. We were going to the Illum system, we were told, and we would have until sundown to complete our task.

It was the second time I had travelled in a spaceship -at least that I remembered- and it was a completely different experience when you were with friends. It wasn't a long trip, the journey had been made every year for Force knows how long, so the shortest route had been mapped long ago.

We all suited up, and when the ramp lowered, the icy wind hit my face like cold water in the morning and the frozen landscape appeared before all of us. I took in a deep breath and closed my eyes. The force was all around me, had been around me up until now, and would continue to be in the future. I exhaled.

Here goes nothing.