Walk With Me

16. Gray Area

Step forward. Proceed.

Most of my experiences have been in the realm of black and white. There was no gray area in my life growing up. Or if there was, I never noticed or entertained it. It was only step forward. Proceed.

The gray area always trips me up. That in-between space where the decisions aren't always so easy. It's ingrained so deeply into our society, rooted in free will, influenced by opinion and survival. It infiltrates the hearts and brains of every person that ever lived.

It's the type of shit that makes you question humanity's moral integrity, makes it hard to pick sides, or causes you to lend support in places you never considered before.

It's the decisions that make no sense, like being hurt but choosing to ignore it in the name of allegiance or devotion.

It's feeling compelled to say something but someone's there reminding you that it's not your life. So, you stand by and watch things that make you sick because you can't do a damn thing about them. It's knowing the truth but having to accept the lie.

Amidst the resounding theme of right and wrong, law enforcement has its fair share of gray area, too. And it can really fuck you up. I tend to push those cases as far back into the recesses of my mind as they'll go. I don't care for dwelling on them.

Step forward. Proceed.

But on a personal level, well... I haven't experienced enough of it in my adult life to know what I'm doing. And that's where Amber Hill seems to fall. No matter how hard I've tried not to dwell, she's stayed on my mind.

She's the one place where a case of gray area in my work life has merged with something I was always so sure of in my personal life. She exists where the rules of society and human decency have been broken and the agonizing consequences thereof seem to mesh with feelings and commitments, spurring loyalty despite pain. Everything gets fucking sticky when that happens and I don't know how to navigate these waters with her.

I know she got out, got away from him. But being with her in the wake of that relationship doesn't feel as easy as just asking her out, pursuing her without care, and expecting everything to fall into place. It's a bit more complicated than that, isn't it?

She's got a kid and just regained her freedom after escaping a shitty situation. Her choices have long existed in the gray area, just like my mom's did. But as for me? I've never been on the same side of the fence as them. I only watched my mom go through it, I've only witnessed Amber's version of events in small parts and pieced together assumptions from my experience on the job and what she's confided to me.

If there's anyone I relate to in this scenario the most, it's probably Mia, as odd as that sounds. And what I do know from being on the same side of the fence as her, is that the last thing she needs is some guy coming in and rustling everything up before the time is right. Before the healing has occurred in her home.

What kind of person just invades a broken family after something like what they've been through? How do I know they're ready? How long should I assume they aren't? How long can I actually keep myself away from Amber?

"I've got soo-oooo much honey, the bees envy me."

Good grief. Not again.

"Can someone please go get this man a stack of pancakes and a cup of coffee?" I call out to anyone who will listen. "I don't know how much more of this I can stand."

Melanie at the front desk laughs. "Should I call in an Uber Eats order for him, Tommy? Do you think Fitz prefers bacon or sausage?"

I shake my head, unable to hold my own laugh in. "Why can't he be like every other drunk we bring in and just pass out in there? Sleep it off for crying out loud."