hiraeth. ᐟᐟ huang renjun

00:84

"what game?" she asked.

"our game."

silence occurred after that.

their game. the game where they act like they're together when they're not.

"my heart's racing for two reasons. first, i'm anxious whether i'll be able to hold my feelings in any longer" renjun said.

allure then realized how her heart was beating fast for the same reason.

"second?" allure asked.

"second, we're standing too close to each other" renjun pointed out which made allure immediately take a step back.

but just like what renjun said, he's not sure if he can hold his feelings in any longer so he took a step forward, regaining the distance they had since earlier.

a hug.

renjun leaned in for a hug.

"can't we just stay like this?" renjun asked as he placed his cheek on her shoulder and tightening the hug.

they stayed like that for a few seconds until allure answered.

"we can't" she said which made renjun stand back up but allure stayed hugging him.

"your actions are stating otherwise, though" renjun chuckled and hugged her again.

"you know i have been thinking" allure started off. "hmm?" renjun responded.

"what if i just go off and date you?"

her words stopped all his thoughts and movements, his heart beating at a fast pace again.

"you know i can hear your heartbeat" allure chuckled as she lightly pushed him away, breaking the long hug.

"do you know what hiraeth means?" allure asked him and he shook his head.

"deep longing for a home you can't return to, or that never was" as soon as allure said that, renjun felt the pain that they both probably went through while trying to find themselves.

"the game we're playing pained me so much knowing that you're not actually mine" allure confessed.

"everything about us has been white lies, starting from the day we anonymously fought against each other on the internet until now."

"we used to say sweet nothings as a joke until i took them personally and fell for it" she continued.

"white lies that i took personally which made me experience pain and confusion from you."

"but even after all of that, by the end of the day, i still long for you. for your presence, your words, your laughter, and just you in general."

"i tried escaping, but by doing so, i unintentionally hurt you too."

"and i didn't want that" she said as she caressed renjun's cheeks, wiping the tear that fell from his eye.

"whenever i'm with you, i feel happy, safe, and validated. but at the same time, i feel hurt, confused, and stressed.. but isn't that what love is about?"

"isn't love all about staying side by side through ups and downs?"

"it was a wild ride, renjun. i had fun with all the months we've known each other, but we can't stay like this, i can't stay in this game any longer, just like how you can't hold your feelings in any longer" allure said as she pushed renjun's chin up and stared at his teary eyes that he was trying to hide by looking down.

"renjun, can you stop being my hiraeth and be my haven instead?" she tilted her head, trying to catch renjun's eyes.

"was the long speech really necessary?" renjun asked in a soft and shaky voice, obviously tearing up.

allure couldn't look at him, him crying just makes her want to cry too, so instead, she hugged him tight.

"can you?"

"i love you" he answered. he can now finally say it. the three words he has been trying to keep in for the longest time.

as he said that, his chest felt light, as if all of his problems were solved.

"i love you too. now, stop crying" allure chuckled, "i'm ready to accept everything, even the public."

they ended the game, no more pain, no more heartbreaks, no more white lies.