Come Back With Me

You Deserve to be Selfish

Bucky stared at Steve in shock. How could they go back? He knows that they figured out time travel to bring everyone back but how can he expect to swing that? He knows that Steve is leaving soon to return the stones, so does he plan to just stay in the past?

"How do you plan on doing that?" Bucky asks quietly.

Steve sits up straighter in his seat.

"When I return the stones, I want to stay. I also want you to come with me" he says.

Bucky is immediately out of his seat and begins pacing.

"Are you crazy? Isn't that why you are returning the stones? So you don't screw up the past. How do you think the current world is going to look if they don't have Captain America? Well, I guess if I go with you then there will be no Winter Soldier so the death toll may even out," Bucky spits out.

He knows he's going to a dark place. The place where his memories of the Winter Soldier are housed. If he goes back, do those memories go away? His hope is immediately dashed by the next words out of Steve's mouth.

"It doesn't work like that. If we go to the past, it is our future. Nothing we do can affect the lives we have already lived. There would still be a Captain America and a Winter Soldier," Steve explains.

If he can't be rid of his demons then what life could he really have back in the 40s? He can never be the flirty and carefree Bucky Barnes. He will never be able to be him again.

"I'm gonna miss you buddy," Bucky says.

He refuses to look at Steve. If he looks at him then he will have to face the fact that he's losing his best friend again. Steve gets up from the table and places his hand on Bucky's shoulder.

"I want you to come with me Buck," Steve says.

"There's nothing for me there" Bucky replies.

Bucky refuses to think about what could be waiting for him.

"You know that's not true," Steve says softly.

Steve was genuinely confused as to why Bucky was so opposed to go back. He expected some hesitation but he thought he would be on board once he explained that them leaving would have no influence on the present. Maybe he didn't understand that this reality would be safe.

"Everything would stay the same in the present and everything would be exactly the same as we left it in the 40s. They would be the exact some girls we left. We would be the only thing that's changed," Steve explained.

Bucky pushes Steve's hand of his shoulder and walks away from him.

"That's the problem Steve. I've changed and I refuse to bring her into that darkness. You wouldn't understand. You're the same big hearted kid from Brooklyn who wouldn't step down from a fight. I am the world's deadliest assassin who's brain has gone through the blender one to many times!" Bucky yells.

He turns back and stalks back to Steve. He holds up his metal arm to Steve's face.

"And don't get me started on this. Not only will I never be mentally whole, I can never be physically whole. I am a weapon, I can't change that but I can live with it. I can carry that burden but I will not force her to," he says.

Steve does understand where Bucky is coming from. He knows there is darkness that will never leave him but this is his chance at happiness.

"You know she would face your demons with you. She loved you more than anything else," Steve says.

Bucky's face softens at this. Thinking of her is always painful. It was almost a blessing to have his mind wiped sometimes because when he remembered her, it made living that much harder knowing that they would always be apart.

"I know and that's the reason I will always love her. She's the love of my life but I don't have to be hers. When I started remembering her again, I looked her up like I looked you up. She got married and had two boys. Their names' were James and Steven. She found happiness so how can I say I truly love her if I take all that away from her?" Bucky asks.

Steve can see the turmoil behind Bucky's eyes but he knows him well enough to know there's something else.

"But you want to go?" Steve asks.

Bucky throws his hands in the air in exasperation.

"Of course I want to go! If I could have any wish in the world it would be to have her. I want her now as much as a did back then, maybe more," Bucky says.

He hates talking about her. He can feel tears pricking at his eyes. She is his biggest weakness. He is really lucky Steve is the only one alive who knows about her because if anyone else tried to talk to him about her, he might break their nose.

"I want to be selfish," Steve says.

This confession pulls Bucky up short. Steve and selfish do not belong in the same sentence. Steve can read the puzzlement on his face so he continues.

"I was ready to fight and die for my country against Germany and then I went into the ice. I got out of the ice and I was ready to fight and die for my world. Then Thanos happened and I was ready to fight and die for my universe. I'm finally ready to fight to live my life. It's time to put down the shield and let someone else take it up. It's so selfish of me but I'm tired of living a half life. You deserve to be selfish too. I also knew her well enough to know that she'd be spitting mad that you don't think you deserve happiness with her," Steve says.

Bucky grins slightly at the thought. She would defend him against anyone who threatened his happiness, even if that meant himself. He remembered when he tried to break off the engagement with her before he left for the war. He didn't want to make her a widow but still prayed that she would be waiting for him after the war. That really didn't go the way he planned.

"I want it so bad it hurts, but I'm scared," Bucky confesses. He says this so quietly that Steve barely hears him.

"What are you afraid of?" Steve asks.

"Hurting her is a big one. Also what if I scare her off? Am I just supposed to sleep in Peggy and yours spare room and be the terminal bachelor your kids will call Uncle Bucky?" Bucky asks.

"I don't think there's anything you could ever do that would scare her off. She was always in it for the long hall. She put up with you when you were a teenager and you are much easier to handle now," Steve says with a smirk.

Bucky doesn't smile because there is a specific reason that Steve didn't touch on.

"What about hurting her? She's strong in character but not in stature. The trigger words may be out of my head but I still have nightmares and flashbacks. I could easily hurt her if she catches me in one of those," he says.

"What if I promise to always live close? That way I can help if you lose yourself," Steve replies.

"You may have to clear that with your wife first," Bucky responds with a laugh.

"I thought you did research? Do you know who got her through the death of her fiancé and brother? Peggy Carter. Do you know who lived with her for eight years after the war? Peggy Carter. Do you know who was the maid of honor at her wedding? Peggy Carter. Do you know who was the godmother to Steven and James? Peggy Carter. Do you know who was her best friend until her dying day? Peggy Carter. I can guarantee that our girls will get along just fine. Plus how could I possibly stay away from my sister?" Steve says.