HARRY POTTER | ONESHOTS |

(Letter) (Young) Lily Evans

REQUESTED BY: vale1234mann

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N/n,

I can't take it anymore! James has been such an arse lately and I just can't put up with him anymore! I know I promised you that I'd at least try to be friends with him, but he makes it so difficult when all he does is flirt and try to put his arm around me! Godric, Y/n, he bloody well knows that I'm going to turn him down every time he tries to ask me out, but he just doesn't quit! I'm fed up with his bullshit! I'm sorry for breaking our promise, but I just can't do it anymore.

I know you really like him, almost as much as you like me, but I can't even begin to comprehend how you can be friends with such a pompous, self-centred, arrogant, egotistical, psychotic, tone-deaf douchebag! I tried. I really did. But I've given him so many chances to become a better person and to be just friends, but he just doesn't stop. When will he ever realize that I'm NEVER going to be into guys like him?! Hell, when will he realize that I'm not even into guys at all?!

I know we talked a little bit about this a few months ago, but I realized that I'm just not interested in boys. I know I said that I thought I liked both, but, my goodness, he makes it hard to like boys. Girls are just superior in every way imaginable.

Don't be mad, but I talked with Marls about my sexuality too, a lot more than I did with you, and I think she helped me realize that I'm a lesbian. I just... Girls are so pretty and James and Severus have absolutely ruined any sort of romantic feelings I'd ever had for men (NOT that they're men; Godric, no). She was always there to talk to about this sort of stuff. She knows how I feel because I'm pretty sure she said she was still trying to figure out whether she's a lesbian or pansexual. Either way, she knows what I'm going through and I don't even know if you like girls, so I don't try to ask you for help because I don't know if you could give me the most accurate advice. No offence! I'd just rather talk with someone who knows what I'm going through.

Right, onto the other reason why I'm writing this letter. I know that it's not really thought of as "okay" for girls to like girls and for boys to like boys and it scares me because there's this one girl who I think is absolutely incredible, but I'm terrified that she'll be disgusted and ridicule me for my feelings. She's so sweet and amazing (and I know she would NEVER be mean), but my anxiety about my feelings not being returned literally consumes every fibre in my body, and it hurts. Not physically (most of the time, although I do make myself sick about the thought of telling her) but mentally and emotionally.

You don't know how many times I've tried to deny/bury my feelings, but, my God, she makes it impossible. Every time I'm near her, she makes my head go fuzzy and it feels like I'm floating. She's so gorgeous too. And her personality never fails to amaze me. But it's her mind that I find most attractive. Godric, she's so smart. I could listen to her talk about anything she's interested in and I'd feel every emotion she goes through because she describes everything so exquisitely. She's like the embodiment of everything I'm attracted to and she doesn't even realize it.

This girl, this wonderful girl, is so perfect that, sometimes, I can't even breathe. Oh, and when she compliments me, I swear she can hear my heart pounding in my chest. She's seen my face go red ALL THE TIME because of it, and she's even pointed it out a few times, but every single time I want to tell her that she's the reason why I'm a flustered mess, I can't do it. I can't risk ruining everything. She's just so beautiful, and amazing, and perfect; I can't tell her. I want to, oh God, if I knew she liked girls, I probably would, but I've let my feeling for her fester for such a long time that I can't.

I know for a FACT that one day I'm going to slip up and destroy seven years of friendship and I'd probably have to give up the relationship that we've already built because of it. I just wish she likes girls too.

I remember talking with Marls and Dorcas about her a lot, sorry to keep you out of the loop, and they both said that they think she might like girls, but I've heard her talk about boys. Who she likes, who she dislikes, who her current crushes are, who she's imagined what it'd be like to go on a date with. I sat through every single rant and sat there with a fake smile, listening to every single detail while my chest tightens and my heart nearly stops.

After seven years of listening to every word she's said, I know her type, what personality traits she finds most attractive, what she values in a partner, what her ideal date is, everything. I fit a lot of the traits she talks about and I have moulded what doesn't to align as well. I'd do ANYTHING for her, but I just can't tell her.

I WANT to tell her everything, of course, but I'm HORRIFIED that something will go wrong. Just the thought of her rejection has given me mental breakdowns. I'm not exaggerating. I've cried over her so many times and she doesn't even know it.

She's caught me a few times and has tried to comfort me by running her fingers through my hair (even though they form tangles that I have to brush out later (which I don't mind because I think the feeling is nice)), she's wrapped her arms around me and rocked me slowly back and forth, she's softly shushed me to create some white noise, whispered reassurances, held me tightly, wiped away my tears, kissed my cheeks, forehead, temples, and my hair. She's even let me cuddle up to her on particularly bad nights, but I can't help but lie every damn time she asks what's wrong. I desperately want to look directly into her e/c eyes, tell her everything I feel for her, cup her cheeks in my hands, and kiss her until we have to take a breath.

Sometimes, in the classes where she sits in front of me, I stare at her back and just imagine what it would be like if I could just walk up from behind, wrap my arms around her waist, pull her up against me, brush her h/c hair away from one of her shoulders, and press a few soft kisses on her neck.

Every single time I see her, I fantasise about what it would be like if I was able to hold her, and kiss her, and just simply touch her. I want to hold her hand. I want to wrap my pinky around hers under the desk and pretend that it's just the two of us. I want to comb my fingers through her hair. I want to lay in the grass, our faces next to each other, staring up at the clouds and talk about whatever comes to mind. I want to sneak into her bed in the middle of the night when I have a nightmare and hug her as close to me as I can as if she were my lifeline. I want to do everything a couple would do, but I can't because I'm too much of a BLOODY COWARD TO ASK IF YOU LIKE GIRLS TOO!

She's the sweetest person in the entire world and I just can't lose her. I just can't. And I'm dreading the day where I slip up and tell her how I feel. I don't want her to break my heart even though I've been breaking it myself by keeping it in.

I want her to like me the same way I like her. I want her to talk about me the same way she talks about those boys. I want her to plan the most amazing dates. I want her to share all of her deepest secrets. All of her desires. Everything. I want her to hold me the way I want to hold her. I want her to kiss me until our lips are red and chapped. I want her fingers to tangle themselves in my hair. I want her to brush my hair afterwards. I want her to surprise me with random bursts of affection. I want her to take me up to the astronomy tower to stargaze. I want her to stare at me with a look full of intense admiration and tenderness. I want her to kiss me slowly and whisper I love you. But it'll never happen because I'll never tell her.

Sorry for kind of springing this on you, I just wanted to catch you up on things and let you know what's going on. I felt guilty for not telling you sooner, and I just wanted to write my feelings down so I wouldn't forget to say something. I also don't want you to tease me for how red my face would get if I actually told you.

Anyways, I hope this letter didn't make you uncomfortable, again, I just wanted to finally tell you about the girl I think I'm in love with. Oh! And to also ask if you can keep James off my back for another few months. He might actually listen to you since you're closer to him than I am.

Thanks for reading this (if you're reading this),

~Lily :)