See Me

58

"What?" Zane said instantly. "Why didn't you tell me that?"

"I don't know. I think I thought if I didn't tell anyone then it would just go away. I realized it wouldn't though, the day that Jax came to my house when Cassidy was there. I realized it wasn't going to get better that day. He told Cassidy I was his girlfriend, and the way he said it, he sounded like he believed it."

"He was sick, Seren. He wasn't in his right mind." Zane walked over to me, he patted my arm gently.

"Maybe. I keep going back and forth, honestly. Maybe he had a break from reality, but I don't know. Maybe he was just entitled. I don't know which one is scarier, honestly." I closed my eyes as I said the words. "But that day, my dad came into my room. He was getting on my case about school. He was telling me he was disappointed in me for not going, and that I wasn't making good decisions. He said whatever it was that was making me skip school wasn't a big deal. He said he wanted me to start acting like how I used to act. He didn't know that acting how I used to act, it wasn't any better."

I hoped I was making sense to Zane, as I was describing to him all the rubber bands that I had been able to break away from the knotted ball and smoothed out in my mind so far. The way he was looking at me gave me hope that I was.

"So I tried to go back to the way I used to act, which in essence, was simply not caring. Not caring about myself, and not caring about anyone else either. Not caring about you." I glanced up to Zane, seeing a flash of understanding his eyes. "I went to Austin's house that night, just trying desperately to act the way I used to act. Reckless."

"But the next morning, this horrible realization hit me like a train. The realization that life was not worth living if this is what it would be, waiting for Jax to make good on his threats. And even if he didn't, and he miraculously left me alone, it didn't matter at the time. It felt like Jax had singlehandedly written the rest of my story with his actions. So... I stole pills from Austin's house." I stole a quick peak at Zane, watching as he realized the gravity of my words. It seemed instantaneous, the way his whole face darkened.

"My mind was already made up, when you came to my house that day. I tried my hardest to get you to leave, because I knew if you saw how bad I was really was, you would have stopped me." I told him.

"And it worked. I left." Zane said quickly, turning away from me. He walked a few steps away, and even though his back was to me, I could see the way he placed his head in his hands.

"I'm not going to lie to you, Zane. I'm not going to lie and say that I had a sudden last minute change of heart. I didn't. I was going to do it. I would have done it. But... even though what Jax did to me was about to kill me, he saved my life that night."

"What?" Zane spun around to face me. Even though he was trying to hide it from me, I could see the tears that had spilled down his cheeks.

"Jax showed up right when I was about to take the pills. He tore them from my hands and flushed them down the toilet." I told him.

"Jesus." Zane shook his head. "So you were really going to do it? You were going to kill yourself?"

"I was." I mumbled, looking back towards the ground. "I'm sorry. I knew how much it would have hurt you, but honestly I couldn't see your pain at the time. I could only see my own."

Zane bobbed his head at my words, his face was tensed. He brought up one of his hands, swiping away a stray tear that had fallen from his left eye.

"It's part of the reason I stayed away for so long. I felt like I betrayed you." I whispered, crossing my arms around my chest.