Sonder [TommyInnit Angst]

Chapter 18

Tommy's POV

I had woken up early once again. It was 8:44 AM...
I start my day as I usually do. I get dressed, brush my teeth and hair and head down into the kitchen.
I start to make me and Niki's coffee like I did yesterday.
I was not in the mood today. I could literally pass out any second. I wish I could just sleep forever.
I wonder where my motivation went. It just got up and left without a warning. I'm not really surprised since that is what happens with everyone in my life at some point. Even my friends now will leave me, or I'll leave them. We'll see who does it first.
Niki came into the kitchen and I force a smile and hand her their coffee.
"Thank you Tommy," she smiles back. I nod my head as a your welcome.
She sits down next to me and speaks again,
"So yesterday you told me you are a bit angry with Wilbur. What exactly did he tell Techno?" She asked curiously.

I debated wether I should tell her or not. I mean she dod take it well that I was self harming. She acts as if I never told her. Which is all I wanted from everyone else.
I sigh,
"Promise you won't act different around me. Everyone I told acts as if I could break any second,"
She extends her pinky finger,
"I promise," she said with a goofy grin. I laugh at her and wrap my pinky around hers.
"Okay, so like 2 weeks ago Tubbo got stuck in a coma because of a fatal injury. I, nor anyone who knew thought he was gonna wake up as you know," I say while she nods her head to show she was following along,
"The day before they would pull his plug I visited him for what I thought would be the last time. I had been speaking to Tubbo about suicidal thoughts I had while he was in the coma," I say avoiding eye contact from Niki. I hear her breath hitch.

"That day I was gonna commit suicide. But Tubbo had heard me the whole time and woke up just in time to inform Wilbur what I was doing. Will saved me and we had Tubbo stay a couple nights before he went home," I finally look up to see tear pricking her eyes.
"I thought that was the end of it, ya know. But turns out Wilbur's fat ass mouth told Techno and Philza about what I did without my permission of telling them," I got angry just of the thought of Wilbur thinking it was okay to do that.
"I mean I know Will cares for me, but that's not something he can just go around telling people. I don't need them worrying any more than they already do!" I finish my rant and look at Niki to try and read her emotions.
She seemed to agree with me,
"You are right. That's not something Wilbur can tell someone without your permission. And he also was trying to help you at the same time," she says.

I knit my eyes I confusion. How in the fucking world would that help me?
"How exactly?" I question her.
"Well, he wants Techno and Phil be more aware of how you feel. Obviously you aren't a fan of life right now, and hopefully that will change. He wanted them to understand it's not some game your playing," she says.
I nod my head actually understanding her. I understood why Wilbur told them, but I can't just forgive him so easily.
He needs to learn when to keep his mouth shut. I always let him off when he told the others about my personal life, but this was too far.
"I can't forgive Wilbur quite yet. I just need to clear my mind," I rub the temples on my head.

It was only morning and I already had a blaring headache.
"Why don't you go on a walk?" Niki suggests. I shake my head,
"I took one last night. I bet if I took another one Wilbur would flip out. Plus it doesn't clear my mind. It only makes it roam more," I put my head on the table.
"How much did you sleep last night? Maybe you could get some rest," Niki says while taking a sip of her coffee.
"Maybe like 3 hours? Maybe less, I dunno," I didn't really keep track of how much sleep I got anymore because I knew it wasn't enough sleep I should be getting.
"Okay, then how about you stay at the Airbnb today. I bet you really don't want to be around Wilbur anyway. You were supposed to be partnered with him and Techno at the arcade," Niki speaks.
"Oh I forgot we were going there today. I'll stay here. I don't really feel like socializing anyway,"

We both head to the living room and watch whatever show was on till everyone else was awake and ready.
I speak up so everyone could hear me,
"Hey guys, I'm not feeling the best so I'm gonna stay here. You guys can still go to the arcade. I'm just not up to it," I put on a reassuring smile.
"That's alright Tommy. Do you feel okay?" Bad asked.
"I'm okay Bad. I just need a day to rest. I didn't sleep much last night,"
"How about I stay with Tommy while everyone else goes," Wilbur volunteered. I mentally groaned.
"That's alright Wilbur. I'm fine by myself," I try and get him to go but he wouldn't budge,
"No, I'm kinda tired too," Wilbur says. It was a complete lie but whatever.

Everyone else leaves and I turn to go upstairs but Wilbur grabs my arm.
"Wait Tommy. I just wanted to say sorry for what I did," Wilbur said.
I shake my head,
"You know, I would have forgiven you if this was the first time you told someone else something personal of mine, but it isn't the first time. You've done it more times than I can count on my hand," I jerk my hand away from him,
"Every time I give you forgiveness you find another way for me not to trust you! Sometimes I feel like I'm back with my father. Because I learned to never trust that man, and here I am. Finding it hard to trust you, one of my best friends," I felt terrible for pouring my emotions out like this, but I couldn't hold it in any longer.

Wilbur looked taken aback. But who wouldn't be, I just compared him to my father. My abusive father.
Okay maybe that was a bit too far,
"Look, you're not like my father. What I'm trying to say is I'm having a hard time trusting anyone right now and you're not helping!" I say trying to get my point across.
"I'm sorry Tommy. What can I do to make it up to you?" Wilbur asked.
"I just need you to give me my space and sooner or later I will forgive you and we can act like this never happened," I say. Wilbur nods his head understandingly.
"Okay, just know that I'm truly sorry. Please don't isolate yourself either. Talk to anyone, I don't care who. We won't be here for much longer," Wilbur said. I nod my head not finding any words.
I head upstairs and lay down on my bed. Wilbur was right. We would be leaving in a week.
Time flies by when you have fun I guess.

My mind caved in on me. With a whole bunch of negative thoughts. And one was blaring in my mind the loudest.

Get your blade

I get up and go to my bag. Wilbur wouldn't be bothering me so I should be clear. I grab the blade and head the bathroom.
You know how it usually goes. One cut turns into two. And then 5, 10, and 20 cuts later you realize you need to actually stop.
I walk over and rinse my arms off and put on a new sweatshirt.
I walk back into my room and lay down on my bed. A little nap shouldn't hurt right? Well it don't matter if it hurts because I need it.
I hug my pillow and close my eyes, letting myself drift off to sleep.

Wilbur's POV

I was sat in the living room when I heard a scream from Tommy's room.
I already knew he must've had a nightmare so I make my way up to his room quickly.
I walk in to see the blonde shaking violently. He looks up at me and starts shaking more. I show my hands to show I won't hurt him. I walk over slowly,
"Tommy, can you hear me bud?" I ask softly. He nods his head.
"Okay can I hug you?" I ask. He nods his head again.
I sit on the bed and pull him into a hug. I don't think he's had this bad of a nightmare in a while.
I rub his back while I whisper encouraging words to him. It seemed to calm him down so it was good enough.
Soon enough I felt his shoulder slump and his breathing become slower indicating he was asleep again.
I lay him back down and exit the room quietly.

I don't regret telling Phil and Techno about Tommy's attempt. They needed to know that Tommy was in far more pain than we imagined.
I sigh and walk into my own room. Maybe I could get some sleep as well. I had stayed up all night waiting for Tommy to come home. It took him like 3 fucking hours.
I felt myself falling asleep. The last thought on my mind was about Tommy.

Please stay with us

I need you..

1648 words

Ayup lads

Hope you are doing okay. If not, that's okay. We'll push through it together and then one day we can look back and smile at how strong we've become

Anyways.
Please eat and drink something today because a sexy mf like you needs to be hydrated and fed well 😉

-Lio ❤️