Sonder [TommyInnit Angst]

Chapter 7

Tommy's POV - Time Skip: A month-

Today was the day everyone was leaving. I may have had a few panic attacks and mental breakdowns, but I haven't felt that happy in a while.
Now it's gonna disappear again. I know I'm being selfish because I have Will, but I'm gonna miss my late night talks with Techno, and my goofy interactions with Tubbo. Last but certainly not least, going to Phil for advice like he's my own father. It's so much more fun in person than in a call.
The voice is still in my head and I can't get rid of it. The voice changed into my own thoughts. I don't need convincing knowing I'm a worthless child.

I head downstairs to see all the suitcases out. I haven't cried in a while, but today would sure as hell be a good day.
"Hey Tommy, come eat breakfast," I hear Wilbur yell from the kitchen. I have been getting better on my ED. I'm really proud of myself too.
I head over to the table and Wilbur hands me a plate of eggs. I look over at him and he's smiling brightly at me.
"What?" I ask laughing at his grin.
"I'm really proud of you Toms, you're starting to eat properly again," He states.
I smile at him and start eating my eggs. I see the others walk in the room and sit down to eat breakfast.

We arrive at the airport and I'm clinging to Tubbo. I hate to admit it, but I am very clingy. Especially to Tubbo.
"Flight 143 boarding now," I look over at Tubbo and give him a smile before hugging him, "bye Tubbo," I say my goodbyes to Techno and Phil and we head back to the car.
"So how was this past month?" Wilbur asks. I give him a genuine smile before answering,
"It was really fun. It was great seeing everyone again," he smiles back before starting the car to drive back.

We arrive home and I flop onto the couch. I hear Wilbur laugh behind me.
"Can we watch a movie?" I ask getting excited.
"Yeah, but we're watching Hamilton,"
"No argument there," I say grabbing a blanket beside Wilbur.
I see Wilbur look at me weirdly,
"What's wrong? You look like you saw a ghost," I say laughing at him.
He just shakes his head and starts the movie.
Halfway through the movie I'm half asleep and I start I go change into a t shirt for more comfort.
I sit back down next to Wilbur and look at him again. He has that same expression on his face from before except this time he looks like the ghost,
"What now," I say while yawning.
"What the fuck Tommy," he says in a serious tone. I've never heard that from him before. I move away a bit from where I was.
"What'd I do. I actually have no idea this time," I say getting anxious, trying to remember what I did.
Wilbur grabs my wrist and I wince from the pain.
Oh. Thats what he meant...
"What the fuck Tommy! Do you remember what you did now. Fucking up your wrists till you could've died! What is wrong with you!" He yells. I wince from his tight grip on my wrist. I try pulling my arm back but he won't budge.
"When did you do it and why," he says squeezing my arm tighter.
"W-Wilbur your hurting me," I say trying not to cry from the pain.
He lets go and quickly apologizes.
"I did it the night we streamed the first time together. I got upset and just took it out on myself." I say quietly.
He sighs, "you gotta stop Tommy. Hurting yourself won't help you get better," he says sounding disappointed.
"What if I don't want to get better?" I say finally finding the words.
"What? Why not?!" He asks. I hate having to say everything in my mind. It's really would've been better if I didn't call for help.
"I felt like this almost my entire life. I don't know what happiness is. I lived like this for so long I find comfort in the dark void in my heart now. I'm in despair. I don't care if I get better or not,"
Wilbur looks at me like I'm an alien. I feel like I should be laughing at him right now, but I don't have the energy.
"Let me tell you something. Happiness is the best feeling in the world. It gets you excited to start the day, and to want to smile and laugh at anything. You have a giddy feeling in your stomach and it never goes away. If I were stuck in your position, I would want out." He explains. I look at him amazed.
Happiness sounds pog. Maybe I do want happiness.

Does happiness never end when you have it? Well no, because I used to be happy once. Maybe you feel it because you want to. So I have to want happiness to get it. Okay this is way harder than I thought.
"Tommy I need the blade you used. I can't just let you keep it," he says sternly. I nod my head and head upstairs.
He follows me up to my room and I open my sock drawer and take out the blade.  He takes it from me and looks at it.
"Where did you get this," he asks looking confused.
"Oh it's mine. I took it from my kitchen one night to protect myself from my father, but never used it," I say avoiding eye contact.
"Okay well you won't be getting this back, and I'm hiding all sharp things in the house. Don't try finding them, because you won't," he says.
I nod my head knowing full well I will probably find something.
"I'm going to head to bed Wilbur. I'll see you in the morning," He nods his head and says goodnight as well.

It sucks that I have to leave him

I hope he won't be mad

1016 words
Hey luvs. How you doing today? If not good that's okay. Go to bed to get some rest, you deserve it ❤️