Trepidation [Book 1]

Chapter 36: silent night

"Thank you, again, for everything. I'm going to text my friends, see if they're all alive." I say, mentally face palming myself over the word choice.

"Text Felix too, he's been worried about you." He adds and I smile, giving him a little nod before he leaves the room.

No one knows what's happened recently – as soon as we walked through the door this morning, Scar and Maria asked if I was okay; I'm not surprised, I looked a mess. Ethan had told them I wasn't doing great with it being the holiday season and I just needed some rest which was no lie. They didn't question it, they only hoped I was okay before we went into his bedroom.

Felix however followed us and admitted that he heard the part of the phone conversation about the drugs, so Ethan assured him I was okay now, and made him swear to secrecy not to tell Lauren – someone he's been texting quite a lot recently. He wants a catch up with me though, to make sure I'm actually okay – he made a joke that he's a better listener than Ethan. I only smiled as he left, but I know deep down Ethan has been better than I could ever imagine, and everything I've needed and more.

Going on my phone, I mumble an 'oops' under my breath when I see countless message notifications from the group chat between Matt, Lauren, Hanna and me. The last I checked this, I was sending photos of our time in New York, them all swooning over the photo of Ethan kissing me in front of the Rockefeller tree – that feels like a week ago, not the day before yesterday.

I'm scrolling upwards until I see the photos and take my time as I read through the rest of the messages. There were shared complaints between Hanna and Lauren over being back home. Matt was boasting that he's doing amazing which really is no surprise, he's got quite an easy life when he visits his parents apart from having no friends. Then there's more conversations, I swear all we do is talk even when we're not together. I'm hardly reading the messages, and my thumb stops on the screen when the picture of a baby loads, a pink blanket wrapped around them.

Baby Sallie has been born, let's hope she's the last! I'm already tired of the screaming.

The text below it from Hanna just makes me burst out laughing; I know deep down that she's actually happy. She hates children, like deeply hates them, but she's always happy for her mom. I've seen her with her siblings, I've been on FaceTime when she's with them, and she's a natural with them. She may hate the screaming, but she's most likely enjoying the cuddles right now.

I send a quick congratulations text, happy for her parents' new arrival.

I've not missed much because the rest of the messages are either congratulations, and then talking about the baby. I love babies, but I know they'll never be in the cards for me. I've made jokes and everything, but it truly is one of my biggest fears.

It's why I'm so careful; always using some sort of birth control. Plan B is never guaranteed full protection, neither are condoms, but it's better than nothing at all. It's just over two weeks since I last came off my period – since Ethan and I last had sex in the shower of the gym – and I'm on edge and will be until it comes again. It's always been like that for me though, I've always had paranoia over pregnancy, especially when condoms aren't involved. It's just a waiting game.

I don't hate children; I think babies are cute and I will support anyone who wants to have them. For me personally, I don't think I'd be a great mother, I also don't want to experience pregnancy or birth, and I don't want a whole human being totally dependent on me. It's truly terrifying.

If I were to ever get pregnant, I would speak to my partner about it, but the outcome would always be the same. I wouldn't go through with it. I'm only twenty, but I truly believe my opinion will never change on it.