Trepidation [Book 1]

Chapter 11: cheap perfume and cigarettes

Flipping over the page, I groan as yet another person slams open my bedroom door. Is peace and quiet too much to ask for around here?!

My eyes meet Lauren's, a pitying look on her face. She's wearing a tight and very short, yellow dress which compliments her skin color, and looking absolutely perfect.

"You look beautiful." I compliment.

"So do you." She says and I scoff looking down at my outfit. I'm wearing a shirt of Matt's and some pajama bottoms. Beautiful? I don't think so.

"Thank you for lying, I appreciate it." I say, tucking my hair behind my ear.

"Come on Frankie. It'll be great, I promise. I won't sleep with Tyrone and leave you. We'll get some drinks and dance. Come on." She pleas, sticking her bottom lip out.

"I have some studying to do, and I'm not in the mood Laur. But next time, I'll go." I promise. I'm not someone to break my promises either. I'm just not ready to go out again just yet. It was only three weeks ago, and to refresh your memory, I took drugs and had a panic attack the following morning. But without drugs, I get panicky at parties. It's a vicious circle, and it's not worth it. So, I'm not doing it.

"Okay, fine but when you see our Snapchat stories, please be jealous." She says and I laugh, nodding my head. Looks like I'm turning my phone off tonight because I will be jealous and get moody. "Okay, this is your last chance because we're going now. Are you one-hundred percent sure that you don't want to go?"

"I'm sure, Lauren. Have a good night. Don't drink too much. And if you do sleep with Tyrone, make sure he wears a condom. He most likely has STD's." I say and she groans, rolling her eyes before walking out. "I'm only looking out for you and your vagina!"

And that's when she slams my door shut.

Mission accomplished.

Getting further comfortable on my bed, I groan looking at the stupid textbook. I don't know why I don't just drop out right now and live in my car for the rest of my life. I know that I could take a gap year but the thing is, I don't have money to financially support myself outside of college, so even though I don't know what I want to do with my life, at least I have a place to sleep and people that I love around me.

~~

Seconds turn to minutes, then those to an hour. The silence in this apartment is getting too much for me. Even studying can't make me forget about the most awful moment of my life.

Fuck this.

I jump out of bed, storming through to the living room where I'm met with yet more silent, so I turn on my speakers, blasting some good old rock music through the dorm.

Food, I need food.

That will hopefully occupy my stupid brain.

I open the cupboards, grabbing a packet of mac and cheese out. The only semi-okay thing I can cook, and that's a push. Yeah, I suck and can't cook but that's why I'm going to marry a man who can.

My mind is a haze. As soon as the food is in the pot, I lean on the counter, closing my eyes as my head pounds, filling with memories. I can't seem to get them out. Nothing is working. Not the music filling my ears, not the smell of food hitting me. All I can think about is that night, and I can't do anything to stop it. It's on replay in my mind, and it's eating away at me.

"Fuck." I groan, clenching my hands.

It's your fault, no one else's. It was all your fault.