Trepidation [Book 1]

Chapter 36: silent night

Trigger warning: mention of self-harm, and scars. If you will be triggered by any of them, even if you're not totally sure, please do not risk it for my shitty writing. I love you all, stay safe!

It had been twenty-eight hours with no sleep before I finally crashed into a slumber. We didn't move from the bench on that cliff top for hours, it was a beautiful morning to be out – only I never really took great appreciation in it. I was devastated; experiencing the grief and loss that had surfaced – the repercussion of pushing it all away.

I fought sleep for as long as I could; I wasn't ready for the recurring nightmare, the day itself had been enough. From the phone call with my father to the beach where I revealed all, I didn't want to suffer through another reminder of what happened.

We were both so tired, that at nine AM, Ethan suggested we went home. I was so caught up in reality, letting everything sink in, talking through my feelings with Ethan, going through random bursts of emotion – crying, smiling, laughing for some odd reason before sobbing because I felt bad – that the hours passed by, that six AM when I finally told him, turned to nine so quickly.

And as hard as it was through the motion of the car, I kept awake until we got back to his family apartment – mainly because of my fear of anyone else driving but me, not the travel sickness; the pills were still effective. We decided that leaving the dorm as we had planned for the holiday is how it's going to be, and for us to both get some good sleep, his bed was the way to go anyway.

It was eleven AM when I finally closed my eyes, Ethan's arms were loosely wrapped around my waist, the sheets lightly lying across us, my back pressed up against his chest. I didn't bother trying to fight the sleep that quickly consumed me.

It was broken sleep, I kept waking up with a jolt of paranoia, paranoid of the expectant nightmare, which never came at all. Ethan would wake alongside me, hushing me back to sleep, lightly pressing kisses to my shoulder blade.

I'm now stirring awake again, my mind in a sleepy daze when I go to turn on my front, but I'm quickly sucking in a breath when I wince, a reminder of what happened yesterday.

"Hey, be careful." He whispers, and I look back over my left shoulder to see him also awake, his hair messy and a gentle smile on his face. I turn slightly, so I'm laid flat on my back. "Did you sleep okay?"

"Yeah, I'm still tired but I'm rested." I immediately screw up my face at the sound of my voice, it sounds sore, broken and a total mess.

"Do you want me to make some coffee, I'll bring us food as well?" He asks, and I nod slightly, frowning when I see the time displayed on the clock that's on his left bedside table.

"It's eight PM?" I blurt out, shocked that I've slept even one hour nevertheless nine. I feel like I've hardly slept at all.

"Yeah, I didn't want to wake you. You needed the sleep, baby." He murmurs, pulling the sheet up to my chin and I smile in response at the kind gesture.

"Thank you, I appreciate it." I say, regarding everything that's happened in the last two days. I honestly don't know what I would have done without him.

"It's no worries, you're welcome. So, Maria made this pork casserole, I promise it's nicer than it looks. I didn't want to wake you and I didn't know if you wanted to be surrounded by the children right now, so she plated ours up for later." He informs me, and I couldn't be more grateful.

"I'll make sure to thank her in the morning because that sounds amazing." I say, and he hums, leaving a quick kiss on my head before he gets up. "You're going now?"

"Yeah, you haven't ate since last night. You also need some water. I'll be ten minutes, max – your phone is on there, I charged it up." He really is just making me fall deeper for him without realizing it.