Trepidation [Book 1]

Chapter 01: a new beginning

Squeezing the last box in the backseat of my father's old silver Ford Focus, I let out a sigh, slamming the door shut behind it. The last box. One step closer to leaving this little town.

From working up a sweat, I wipe the moisture from atop my forehead and let out a harsh breath. It is so warm today; too warm to be lifting boxes.

My snacks are on my passenger seat, my keys are in the ignition; this is it, I'm finally leaving.

Staring back at the tattered brick house that I have called my home for the last fifteen years of my life, I feel an array of mixed emotions. That one night two months ago changed everything. This house now feels strange, it feels so unfamiliar, it pains me. It's just some bricks with some familiar decor, not the loving home I grew up in.

The sudden sound of stones turning knocks me from my senses, and I look up to see my father approaching with my ten-week-old sister, Emma in his arms. He shifts on his feet, lulling her to sleep, "So, are you done? Ready for school?"

"Yeah, I think I've got everything," I murmur, rocking on my heels. His eyes lower to my feet, them narrowing at the action. I clear my throat, flashing him a forced smile. "Okay, I'm gonna head off before I hit traffic. Can you send me pictures of Emma, please?"

"If I remember to, yes," he responds.

I fight the urge to let out a sigh, "Goodbye, Dad."

With that, I press a kiss to Emma's forehead, closing my eyes, savouring this goodbye. She's going to be so much bigger the next time I see her. I always knew she would be the hardest to say goodbye to, "See you later, little one."

My eyes start to brim with tears and a lump forms in my throat, so I force a smile and climb into my car, shutting the door behind me. I let out a shaky breath, before looking back and I only just catch the sight of the front door to our family home shutting.

With the turn of my keys in the ignition, the engine starts and 'Graceland Too' by Phoebe Bridgers begins to play through the aux. God, you're one sick fuck today. Another shaky breath laced with trapped emotions escapes before I check my mirrors and pull out of the driveway, not turning back.

My dream college, the one I put years of hard work into getting into, is only ten minutes down the road. I remember the morning I found out like it was yesterday; I sat at my breakfast table full of hope, only for my dreams to crumble in seconds by one thin letter. My second choice, though, was less than hopeful, I believed I would never get a scholarship after the first set back, but here I am travelling the four hour journey for my second year. Not too far away, not too close. I wouldn't change it for the world now; I met my best friends there.

I'm really looking forward to being back at college; to see my friends again, forget everything that was this summer. Living in a house full of hatred and sorrows doesn't help your mental state, not when it's not in the best place anyway.

I'm feeling okay now, I'm feeling optimistic and hopeful to leave everything in the past. There are so many secrets I've been keeping to myself. So many unknown answers. The best way for me to deal with what happened is to not deal with it at all. I'm scared of what will come from it if I do. I'm dealing with so many demons alone, but I know that no one can help until I help myself, and I'm not capable of that. Not yet anyway.

∞

My college is a wonderful institute, it really is and I love it, but the traffic around here is dreadful. I should have gotten here earlier, but I didn't, and here we are waiting. Lectures don't start up until next week, something I'm grateful for, though.

"Come on," I mutter, tapping my fingertips on the top of my steering wheel impatiently. I'm not even that far from my dorm, I can see the black door to my building from here.