Trepidation [Book 1]

Chapter 28: the Big Apple

I've made this journey countless times before when I used to meet Abby, and it's gone faster than it has ever. And it's the holiday season so I'm more than shocked.

Around an hour into the drive, we turned my loud ass rock music off and put one some Christmas songs to set the vibe. Ethan's face was a picture, and even though he didn't know all the songs, he caught on quick enough.

It still breaks me that he's never celebrated Christmas, and I just want to give him all of the experiences I had, especially as a child. It was always my favorite holiday growing up, I loved everything about it. The food, the music, the company of friends and family, the decorations, did I mention the food?

I keep glancing over at Ethan, watching his face as we drive through the busy streets of Manhattan. He's quite literally in awe right now. The traffic has been chaotic, but we're here and on time.

"I thought you said you'd been to New York?" I wonder, smiling over at him.

"I have, but not Manhattan, and when we did, I really didn't take much notice of the sights." He tells me with a little smile on his face.

"We're going to Central Park first. Are you ready for the chaos?" I ask, only I don't think he's taking me seriously. "Ethan. It's Christmas time in New York, it's busy on a normal day, it's going to be busy."

"Will you be okay?" He asks with worry, and my heart skips knowing that was his first response.

"I honestly don't know. I've walked the New York streets alone several times, it never bothering me. I have you, and I'm never letting go of your hand, so I hope I'll be okay. The busy streets are so chaotic that I feel somewhat reassured that I'm safe. Do I sound totally stupid?" I ask, looking briefly over at him. It may sound totally stupid but I think it makes sense.

"No, I actually get it. And I aren't letting go of your hand either." He says, resting his hand on my thigh and I smile. The first time he did that last week, I jolted and he apologized profusely. It wasn't that I was scared of him, I just didn't expect it. I explained and he insisted that he wouldn't do it again, so then I grabbed his hand and put it on my thigh, proving that I was in fact okay with it. I hate that there's still hesitation there, but we're learning together.

It's been eleven days since that night and having him as my support has meant more than he knows. I know I could have gotten through this because I would have had to but having him here has helped me so much. We've not gone any further that kissing, cuddling, and a somewhat shameless makeout session in bed one night. I stopped it though before it went further.

It wasn't that I didn't want to, or that I was scared, nervous or anything like that, there was just this voice in my head. I'm so unsure how I'm supposed to feel after all this, and I don't know when is too soon. I want to move on with Ethan, I was us to get back to what we were but I don't know how without a part of myself judging me.

I haven't brushed what happened under the carpet, I haven't because I can't just do that like I have done in the past. I've spoke openly with Ethan and my friends when I've needed to. I've pushed through my fears to try and move forward. I didn't expect it to all go back to normal, it hasn't but it's getting there.

My friends have stopped tiptoeing around me, treating me like a normal person. I feel like me, and everyone treats me like me. The only one who has stopped me from being me, is, well, me. The part in my brain that judges me, that questions me, is stopping me from moving further. I'm frustrated with the unknown. The question I keep asking myself is; when is the right time to start doing sexual things? Google hasn't exactly been great with that answer, but I read a few blogs online that helped massively.