Trepidation [Book 1]

Chapter 24: sober decisions

My back arches up from the bed, my breathing labored as I gasp for air. My eyes shoot open, and I take in my surroundings, the black ceiling first. Is this another nightmare? Am I back there again? They're the questions I ask myself as I start to spiral, but my throats constricts when an arm snakes around my waist.

"Shh, come here, you're alright." A voice murmurs, and I can only slightly recognize it, causing me to panic further. "It's Ethan, okay? You're in my bed, you're perfectly safe, I promise."

"I- I'm sorry, I just." I can't really fathom a coherent sentence.

"You don't have to tell me." He whispers, running his fingers through my hair. I open my eyes, only seeing the outline of his face opposite me, and I sink my left cheek further into the pillow as he softly massages my scalp. This is nice, and relaxing. Calming.

"Your ceiling is black, I thought I was somewhere else and it kind of freaked me out." I admit, and he sighs slightly. "I didn't have a nightmare yet, so I thought this was the start of one or maybe a panic attack, I really don't know. Or I just woke up and made myself panic."

"You're safe now, I'm not leaving you, I promise." He lightly presses his lips to my forehead.

Being vulnerable like this makes me feel petty and selfish for even complaining. There's so many bigger problems in the word, and I'm acting out over waking up, and I hate myself that.

Once I had ate the sandwich Ethan so kindly prepared me yesterday evening, I stripped out of my clothes, got into bed and quite literally crashed, letting the sleep consume me. No worrying, no loud thoughts, just peaceful sleep. Ethan attempted and failed to wake me up for dinner, but with no luck, he left me to it, boxing up the leftover pasta. I had woken up around eleven last night, which is when I ate the pasta and then we cuddled, watching Netflix until we both fell to sleep together.

"What time is it?" I whisper.

"Five AM, baby." He mumbles tiredly, and I whine slightly. "Go back to sleep, I've got you."

"I'm not tired." I'm not, I've slept around ten hours overall.

"Why am I not surprised?" He asks, amusement slightly dancing in the tone, and I drape my right leg over his waist, rubbing my leg against his.

"I don't want to keep you awake, I'm sorry." I say, and he frowns, reaching above us, turning on the overhead light, and I cringe at the brightness.

"I'm awake, don't worry." He assures me, running his hand down my leg, the one which is over his. "So, you didn't have a nightmare?"

"No, I had no dreams or anything." I say, the little bit of shock washing over me of that. Not since the accident have I had a dreamless or nightmareless sleep, even if they're just small or I don't remember them fully, they've always happened.

"That's good, right?" He asks.

"Yeah, I feel rested for once." I tell him, my breathing now back to normal.

I'm not getting my hopes up or anything, because knowing me, they'll come back worse than before.

"You deserve better than this, Francesca." He murmurs, and I sigh, thinking about it. Do I really deserve better? If I hadn't done what I did, nothing that night would have happened, so I guess this is a form of payback.

"Yeah, well, there's nothing no one can do about it. I'm okay." I shrug it off, hoping this conversation moves on now. "I've not got work today, is there anything you want to do?"

"Actually, I had something I wanted to ask you yesterday, but well, we got a little distracted, didn't we?" He muses, and I smile, looking up at him. "It was Felix' twenty-first the other day, so we're going to go out tonight to a club. If you want to come, I'd really like you there."