What We Owe

Chapter Thirty Two

STEFAN

I've been shot, twice. I've been beaten by men twice my size and so close to death, I could tell you what it smelt like. Despite that, I hadn't been as close to heaven as I was last night. The entire evening with Claire was more than I could have ever planned or paid for. She was smiling and laughing whole heartedly the entire night.

I'd seen glimpses of her like that before, but never to the point where I thought I could die from the feeling of happiness and contentment. I'm not supposed to have this. Men in our world don't marry for love. They do it for power or because it's good for business. I knew how bad I was fucking up, dragging her deeper and deeper into my world.

I needed a way to have both. I needed my world and I needed Claire in it. Each and every time she dug her hooks deeper into me, I felt the possibility of thinking through this logically slip further away. It was night two of having her back, and I watched her sleep again, unable to relax enough to rest. My mind hadn't stopped from the moment I watched her walk out of the club the night she left to go back to Chicago. I needed sleep, but I couldn't do it until I knew I could keep her safe.

I went back down stairs and called Ox, seeing what their ETA was. They were coming home tomorrow.. or I guess today. Matteo would be back in the city but completely unable to work at my side for weeks. I wondered if Claire knew just how much she had exposed me when she took him away.

Ox would stay with Claire, I needed protection on her at all times. But for me, it was too risky promoting someone when I didn't have the entire takeover under control. I could be bringing one of the men trying to take me down closer to me, giving them the perfect opportunity to kill me. I could bring them closer to her.

There is no leaving this life. Your blood either runs with the Mafia in it, or it runs out. There is no in between. I knew loving Claire was breaking everything my father had taught me, but it felt like a death sentence living without her once I knew what it was like to live with her.

"Hey." I heard her quiet voice. I looked up and saw Claire at the bottom of the steps wrapped in a sheet. She looked worried. I knew I looked as exhausted as I felt.

"Are you okay?" She came over and ran her fingers over the back of my neck. I grabbed her wrists and stopped her. Her eyes flashed with hurt when I did it.

"I'm fine Claire, go back to bed." I said, trying not to sound like a complete asshole. It was harder to think when she was around me. I needed my demons to come out in the darkness sometimes to keep them at bay, and I needed her to not be around when they did.

"What's wrong?" She asked, giving me a measured stare. I didn't want to ruin this night, but if she didn't stop pushing, I was going to. I was angry with her for shooting Matteo and angry at myself for putting her in the position I had. I wasn't sure which one of us I was more pissed at.

"Nothing, Claire. Please. I am asking you to just listen to me for once and go back to bed."

Please just go, I don't want to blow up on you but I'm wearing thin in every way possible.

"Can whoever possessed the Stefan's from tonights body please send him back to me whenever he get's his head out of his ass?" She turned and walked back up the stairs.

Thank you.

I let out the breath I had been holding, trying to contain all of my frustrations. She had put me in a worse place without knowing it. I knew it wasn't fair to blow up on her, but goddam if it wasn't hard to do with her mouth sometimes.

I'd make it up to her tomorrow, I had to. I was trying to keep my two sides separate. The Stefan I had to be at work and the Stefan I needed to be for her. Every once in a while, like just now, I couldn't stop them from bleeding into each other.