My Voice - Tsukishima Kei

10- A Mess

Have you ever become so addicted to something that you feel like you can't function without it? Like you follow an anime religiously, and when it's over you feel like 'well what the hell am I supposed to do now?'? Or maybe you get really into a band and they break up one day.

Or maybe, just maybe, you get into a bad argument with your significant other where hurtful things were said, and now you're no longer speaking to each other.

In times like these, you begin to miss the warmth of their body next to you as you sleep. You miss the good-morning-kisses that have been a tradition for the last 7 years. You start to unwillingly remember the times you considered were perfect, and wonder 'how the hell did we end up here?'

It quite literally feels like something has been ripped from inside of me and it hurts. It mentally and physically hurts.

Before I met Tsukishima Kei, I never imagined a world with him in it. But after I met Tsukishima Kei, every time I pictured the future I couldn't imagine not having him in it. I'm in a constant state of pain that you can't even see.

There's two things I have realized from not talking to Kei for a week.

1) I have become a very dependent person (in the worst way possible)

I think ever since I met him, I started to rely on Kei. If I needed to smile, I thought of him. If I had a bad day I just buried myself in his arms. He's the first thing I think about in the morning, and the last thing I think about before I fall asleep. Coming home to him or having him come home to me has been such a big part of my motivation.

I've depended on him so much for the last 7 years, that I really feel like I can't function right now. I'm so scared of leaving the hotel I'm staying in over and over again and not once coming back to Kei. I hate the idea of being alone.

And

2) I don't like the way I live.

I have too many regrets. I haven't lived an honest life at all. I have repeatedly downplayed things I've really wanted, and compromised on things I didn't want to compromise on. I'm a coward, and regardless if things go back to the way they were, I'm going to change that fact. I refuse to only play by other people's rules and I'm going to start fighting for what I really want.

.....

As soon as I find the will to get out of this hotel bed.

Ugh. I should get up and take a bath at least.

The tears I didn't shed the night things went down, we're definitely shed the day after. And the day after that...and the day after that. And- well, you get it.

Yesterday and today have been the only days I haven't cried. I feel like that's some major progress.

I've also had my phone off this entire time. I haven't even called my parents, though it's not like we talk everyday anymore so they wouldn't have a reason to worry. However, a week is a bit long for us to go without talking to each other

Finals are next week too.

This week at school we were supposed to be doing mock exams. They're optional, but everyone goes so we can get a feel of what actual exams will be like and so we can better prepare.

I haven't gone to school this entire time. The only time I've stepped out the room is for the cleaning people to change the sheets. Only once did I go downstairs and eat at the buffet they have for guests.

I've been living off of the water and alcohol bottles as well as the few snacks provided in the hotel that you have to pay for later. But even that's hardly anything. Well it's not like I could stomach much right now anyways.

I haven't really had much of an appetite. I've only eaten when I realized 'hey, it's been a while. Maybe I should eat these crackers so I don't die'.

A low groan escapes my lips and I haul myself out of the bathtub, draining the water before rinsing off and getting out.

Just as I finish drying myself, a heavy knock comes at the door. A small frown comes over my face and I hurriedly put on a robe before walking to the door. Is it the housekeepers?

I unlock the door and open it just enough to peek my head out, fully intending to just say I don't need any service.

However, it wasn't the housekeeper and nothing went according to plan. The door gets roughly pushed open and the perpetrator forces themselves into my room, throwing their arms around me.

We both fall to the ground but the person shows no signs of letting me go.

"You idiot!" Ena sobs. "Stupid idiot! Why are you here? Why haven't you answered your phone? Do you know how worried everyone is? We thought you were dead! Tsuki-"

"Oh." I quickly cut her off.

"Ekin is on his way up. Get dressed, I'll wait outside." She stands, helping me up as well before wiping her eyes and walking out.

What just happened?

I stare at the door for a moment before looking back at the bathroom.

I didn't grab any clothes before I left the house, so I've just been hand washing the outfit I wore that day and drying it with the blow dryer.

Geez, thinking about it now- that's so pathetic.

I put my clothes on and open the door, seeing Ekin with bags of food.

"Hi Eva." He gives a soft smile.

I don't meet his eyes but I slightly bow my head towards him and open the door wider. The two come in and I lock the door before going and sitting on the bed with them.

"Eva those are the same clothes as when we last seen you." Ena crosses her arms.

"I'm washing them." I say a bit defensively.

"That's not the problem. You need to go home. Nobody was able to get in contact with you and everyone is scared. Tsukishima wanted to go to the police but if you had just ran away, it would have looked really bad for the business and your parents. He formed a damn search party with his friends for Christ's sake. He's so worried about you." Ena reaches out to grab my hands but I retract them.

Why would he do that? It's totally not like he's the one who said we shouldn't have gotten married. Aren't I just giving him what he wants by staying away?

"That's a waste of time." I say blankly. "How did you guys find out I was here?"

The hotel isn't far from where I live, but it's not like you just know where people are.

"Tsukishima finally realized that he has access to your bank so he looked up where you last used your card." Ena sighs, grabbing one of the bags of food and beginning to open it.

He knows I'm here too, but he didn't come.

So he really doesn't want to see me?

"You guys should go home. I'm fine he-"

"Stop acting like that! Geez, get ahold of yourself Eva!" Ena moves the bag away from her and grips the front of my shirt. "Your eyes are so fucking dead it scares me! I don't know what the hell went down to get you to this point, but you can't just keep distancing yourself like this and not answering your phone! Stop being selfish! You have multiple people watching the news every night, praying that 'University Student Found Dead' isn't a damn headline! And you clearly aren't taking care of yourself, you look like shit! Are you eating properly? Are you even sleeping?"

My eyes widen as I see her eyes tear up again, and when I look over at Ekin I see him wipe at his face as he turns his body away.

I said that I wanted to improve my lifestyle and start living the way I wanted to. I should probably start now.

"I'm sorry." I say quietly. "I'm so sorry."