Freedom of Fate ~ Castielxreader

11 - The Catalyst

Castiel's calloused hands worked across your shoulders, his slender fingers kneeding at the knots in your muscles. You told him about the two hunts you went on and he listened, relentlessly massaging away the tightness knitted into your fibres.

'You're tense,' he whispered in a deep sultry voice.

'That's just my natural state,' you tilted your head back to look him in the eyes. One of his hands trailed across your collarbone and came to rest at the base of your neck, applying a pleasantly possessive grip as he leaned over to place a gentle peck on your nose, then a less gentle kiss on your lips. He seemed to enjoy the taste of you, indulging himself in another, hungrier kiss. You weaved your hands through his soft wild hair, puling him closer to you. He separated from you momentarily to spin your chair around, and held your cheeks in his hand, his thumb caressing your cold skin. He kissed you passionately, savoring the moment with you as if you could slip away from him at any time. 

The bunker door swung open and you swiveled in your chair to see who had interrupted you. The Winchesters sauntered in, arguing nonsensically between themselves until they noticed you in the room. 'Hey we got pizza. You still up for movie night?' Dean asked, laying down a stack of slim pizza boxes on the table and a six pack of beer. 

Sam put down an assortment of snacks and fizzy drinks then sat in a chair as Dean did. 'We got you fruit,' Sam pulled a packet of skittles out of his pocket and tossed them to the pile. This inside joke made you giggle, though you mainly felt confused.

'Didn't we just have pizza guys?' you laughed awkwardly. They exchanged looks between themselves and shook their heads no.

'If by "just" you mean last month then sure. But who gets tired of pizza?' Dean chuckled, opening up one of the boxes and letting the savory steam fill the room. You looked over to Cas, who hadn't taken his eyes off you during this exchange, his lips pushed together as he watched realisation sink into you, your chest tightening. He had lied to you to gauge whether you really did remember everything and though upset you were, you had to acknowledge you were the first one to lie. You took a deep breath to remain composed, but you couldn't even look at him. Your relationship was barely a week old; you'd spent more time apart so far than together, and the lying had already begun.

You turned your attention to the brothers, who had already indulged themselves in a slice each, and forced a smile. 'Alright movie night. What're we watching?'

'It's Dean's turn to pick,' Sam groaned, betrayed by his own integrity. 

'Dean picks the cult classic...'  he reached into his pocket and pulled out a CD case, brandishing it like he would an FBI badge, 'The Shining,' he announced, grinning from ear to ear. Sam was surprisingly pleased, Cas who of course had never seen it was intrigued. You felt the story of a man going crazy was a little on the nose to your inner turmoil, feeling your own grip on reality loosening, though obviously it was not Dean's intention to prod at your psyche. 'To Y/n's room!' he bellowed, scooping up what he could carry and heading out of the library, Sam following. You pulled Cas back and walked slower.

'You lied to me,' you hissed at him, still gripping his sleeve.

'You lied to me,' he whispered back, not maliciously but making a point to emphasize nouns. He was right and you had no argument to retaliate back with. He sensed your defeat, and took your hand in his, lifting it to his lips and kissing it softly, to signify he was not upset with you. 'You'll be okay. We'll figure this out together,' he uttered into the back of your hand, then lead you to your room before the others came looking. 

Dean was at the TV, fiddling with the CD player. You sat with Cas in your bed, in a bit of a daze, still not feeling entirely present. Sam rolled in on his desk chair through the door, coming to park next to your bed and hauling his feet up on the mattress. Dean did the same on your side of the bed, passing a beer to you and Cas, as well as throwing the snacks onto the bed at your feet. He pointed the remote to the TV and pressed play, Sam rolled over to the lights and flicked them off. 'Keep it PG guys,' Dean pointed at you and Cas as you nuzzled up to him.

You scratched at the paper label of your beer. 'Do you want me to open it for you?' Cas murmured into your ear. You shook your head.

'I don't think I should drink,'  you uttered back, 'can you take it?'. He nodded and traded yours for his empty bottle. You watched the rest of the movie in relative silence, eating when the brothers offered you something, but not having much of an appetite to help yourself. Cas occasionally breathed questions into your neck. You answered them gladly, his curiosity being a thematic constant in your life, something you needed at this point, though truthfully you weren't paying much attention to the Stanley Kubrik's masterpiece. You couldn't accept Castiel's words, that you would figure this out together, how had you roped him into your issues when you took pride in your independence? It's the same shit the boys always said, we're in this together, we're a team. 

'Y/n?' Cas had to nudge you for you to realise Dean was calling your name. You snapped to attention. 'You wanna pick next? he offered you the remote. You took it, feeling everyone's eyes on you as you navigated to Netflix. You flicked through the different titles but nothing stood out to you, until you accidentally stumbled across Twilight, the idea of making Dean Winchester watch a vampire teen flick almost made you laugh out loud, but more importantly it was an effective mindless distraction. Defying Dean's protest you clicked play, nestling into Cas's chest as he extended his arm over your shoulder and played with your hair. 

You looked at the boys around you, amused at how Sam and Dean were invested in the vampire love story, to their shame. Castiel rested his head against yours, his thumb tracing circles over the back of your hand. Even in this docile scene, you couldn't help but think of the violence that plagued them; the way they always seemed to be in danger because of you, and how you felt you never really fit into their lives, like extra weight holding them back. The air around you became harder to breathe as the walls closed in. It was in that moment that the idea of leaving first blossomed in your mind. 

'I need some fresh air,' you choked out, pulling yourself from Cas and scurrying out of the room, breaking into a sprint as you entered the hall. Sam got up to go after you, but Cas insisted to give you a minute. Though the brothers inquired, he did not tell them what was happening to you, as per your wish. Stating simply that 'she's not doing great right now,' and leaving it at that, before getting up and going after you, knowing exactly where you were heading.

You ran straight to your car, throwing yourself into the driver's seat where you felt most at peace. You shut your eyes and tried to dismiss your tormenting thoughts, convincing yourself you belonged with your family, while a shakiness overcame you. You started the engine instinctively, placing your hands on the wheel, putting you at ease. The intent of leaving felt too natural to you.

'Can I come?' Cas' voice called out. He was standing at the door watching you with kind eyes. You nodded and he sat next to you, not uttering a word as you drove away. After about 20 minutes of silence on the moon-lit highway he finally spoke. 'Where are we going?'.

You pondered for a bit. 'Somewhere quiet'.

'It's past midnight Y/n. Everywhere is quiet,' he responded.

'Somewhere I can't hear myself then'.