See Me

13

I looked down at the pill bottle now. It was full, prescribed to my Dad three years ago. Ativan.

My dad used to have panic attacks after my mom died. For years they lasted, but suddenly they stopped as quick as they came. I contemplated for a moment, before deciding on taking them with me. It couldn't hurt, right? Maybe I could get some sleep in my own bed.

I had to no choice but to cover my face with makeup today. The bags under my eyes couldn't be hidden with sunglasses at school, and they were dark enough that I was sure someone would notice now, even though I'm sure no one really cared. I brushed my long hair back into a high ponytail, curling the ends around my curling wand.

I spent longer than usual standing in my closet. Usually, I barely think twice about what I wear to school. It's just school after all. There's no one there to impress. I found my self second guessing every outfit I threw on. I glanced at an outfit that was hung in the middle of the rack. My aunt had sent it to me last summer. My mom's sister owned a club in Vegas, she didn't visit anymore. She said I look too much like my mom. Too painful. She sends me clothes though, every year for my birthday.

I slid into the clothes, turning around in the mirror. The plaid pleated skirt was short, I had no doubts if I bent over there wouldn't be much left to the imagination. The small matching crop top had spaghetti straps, and landed on the top of my ribs. I remembered trying it on and banishing it back to my closet, thinking it was too revealing for casual wear but too casual for nightwear.

Wearing this, did I look like someone who could barely sleep? Who was scared to close their eyes? No. I didn't.

It was perfect.

"Where's the rest of the outfit?" My dad asked as I made my way down the stairs.

"Funny." I mumbled back. Our school didn't have much of a dress code, as long as everything was covered. This might push it though.

"I'll be late tonight. You'll have to find a ride home." My dad told me as he gathered his briefcase together. "Will I find you on my couch again tonight?"

"I had a nightmare. About Mom." I knew he wouldn't press much if I mentioned Mom. He never wanted to talk about her.

Dad looked at me with sadness in his eyes, opening and closing his mouth like he wasn't sure what to say. To his relief, I'm sure, he was saved by a knock on the door. I packed my bag while he answered, shoving the textbooks I hadn't bothered to look at all weekend into the white bag. I slid the pill bottle out from my bra, where I had stashed it, and put it in the bag. It would be the last place he ever looked.

"Seren, your ride is here." My dad called from the entry way.

Ride? Usually my dad dropped me off at school.

"Who is it?" Obviously my first thought went to Jax. I'd have to make myself throw up if it was him, and force my dad to let me stay home. There was no way I was getting into a car with him.

"Says his name is Carter." Dad yelled back.

Great.

I slung my bag over my shoulder and walked to the door. Carter was standing in the door way, making small talk with my father.

"Hey." He greeted me as I approached them. He was smiling. He was always smiling. Was he ever not happy?

"Well kids, I'll be off then. Have a good day at school, Seren." He kissed my check before walking out the door.

I didn't know what to say, so I stood there awkwardly.

"Uh, I asked you on Saturday if you wanted a ride to school this morning. You didn't answer my texts last night so I just showed up." Carter said after a second.

Texts? What texts? No one had texted me last night.

"Ok." I said. It's not like I had another ride now that my dad had left.

"You look, uh, really good today." He blushed as his eyes ran up and down my body, lingering on my exposed legs.

"Yeah." I agreed. I already knew I looked good.

"So how was your night?" Carter asked once we were in his car and driving.

"Fine." I was thinking about how I was going to cut things off with Carter without having to tell him why. Carter was persistent, as I had seen through the years of him trying to get me to go out with him. I had a feeling he wouldn't walk away so easily.

"That's good. So... it was a fun weekend. It's been a while since we've been out there. We should do it more often. Maybe even just the two of us..." He keep flicking his eyes between me and the road.

"Maybe." I wish I could tell him that I'd never step foot in that house again, but that might cause some questions.

"Sweet." He smiled at me, again. How does someone smile that much? I had to force myself to.

I turned the music up in hopes of getting him to stop talking. Was it rude to touch the stereo in other peoples car? I didn't care, either way. The audio seemed to be connected to Carter's Bluetooth, and was playing some kind of mumble rap that gave me a headache. He seemed to take the hint, and the rest of the ride was silent.

"Can you park in the back?" I asked Carter as we pulled into the school. The last thing I wanted was for Jax to see me coming to school with Carter.

I spent part of my hours tossing and turning last night thinking about how Jax was acting. He'd seen me kiss other guys before, he's seen me go on dates. Hell, he's even seen me disappear into a bedroom with a stranger or two when we've gone to parties. He didn't flip his switch until Carter.

Maybe if he never saw me talking to Carter again, he'd leave me the hell alone.

"Uh, yeah. Sure." Carter shot me a confused look, but he did it anyways. Hardly anyone ever parked in the back parking lot, so there was only a handful of cars there.

"So, I-" Carter started to talk as he put the car in park, but my hand was already on the door handle, pushing the door open.

"Bye." I cut him off, hopped out of the car, and didn't look back.