Trepidation [Book 1]

Chapter 15: caught up to reality

"I thought you were at least getting some action with him. That's why I figured you were always with him." He says and I shake my head.

"Nope, I've had no one kiss or touch me in a sexual way since July." I say, telling the sad truth.

"How? I understand the no guy thing because of your heart but you can have fun, I do. I slept with someone last night and someone different this morning. I'm not a slag either, I'm having fun." Hanna makes sure to get the last point across.

"Nah, I'm not really in the mood for casual sex. Sure, if it was worth it, I would." I chuckle.

"Wait, so nothing is going on with you and Ethan?" Lauren frowns, looking somewhat sad.

"No, we've been hanging out, studying, catching movies and going to the gym together." I say and they all share a look.

"So, you're platonically dating?" Matt asks.

"What, no!" I exclaim, the idea baffling to me.

"Have you been to dinner together?" Hanna asks.

"No, well we've ate several times together." I answer.

"Have you ever been in compromising positions before?" Lauren asks with a smile, and I push the memory away of me waking up next to him, cuddled into his chest.

"No, of course not." I say, rolling my eyes.

"Yeah, whatever, you have that look in your eye that tells me you're lying." Matt says, and I groan. I'm not getting out of this easily.

"Look, we're friends, and that's all. We've never had sex, we've never kissed, we've never even been close to it." I say, hoping to drop the subject because the more I talk about us being friends, makes me feel worse about us being just that. I hate feelings.

The more we've spent time together, the more I've gotten closer to him. I'm aware I like him more than a friend, deep down from the beginning, I knew that but he's not once shown any ounce of attraction towards me. So keeping it purely platonic between us, is how it's going to be. I'm not totally phased by that either because I've said from the beginning that I don't want a boyfriend, I don't and I stand by that. I can't get my heart broken again by a guy. It hurts too much.

"I'm sorry girl, but one day you'll drop down the wall of denial and it will hit you stronger than you think it will. I'm not saying this to be mean, but it's going to happen. We've all seen you two firsthand at that party three weeks ago, and even then, you were looking at each other like you had been together for years already. If you tell us right now that there isn't one single ounce of your body that likes him more than friends, then we'll drop it but we're your friends and you can tell us anything." Hanna says, and I sigh. She's right, I know she is but denial sounds better than getting hurt and having things out in the open.

"He doesn't like me so it doesn't matter, does it? These feelings will leave and we can continue being friends, like I really want to happen. It's not that I even want to be with him because I don't. I've said that I don't want to but apparently my head doesn't really agree with this thing called a heart or whatever." I shrug before floating on my back, I can't look them in their eyes after that.

"You never know." Matt says and I frown up at the ceiling.

"I've been with a guy who faked a love for me. I've been with a guy who lost the love. I've been with a guy who loved me and I didn't love back. I know what it looks like. And he, he doesn't look at me like anything. It's platonic on his end, and honestly I'm glad." I say with a sigh before continuing. "If we were to be together, it would just be horrible. We're so different and that's why we work as friends. In a relationship, I just, no, I can't see it happening. I have trust issues as it is, and I've already heard from people how he has a reputation, I would not be able to handle it. Platonically we're good, and I want to keep this friendship."