tea time at three ❇ phan

The Dream (12)

I finished tidying up Phil's room and checked the time. Midnight...

I guess I should go to bed like I promised Phil I would.

I went to my bed and tried to fall asleep but I couldn't, I was worried about Phil. I kept thinking of all the horrible possible outcomes of this situation. So basically I had the worst existential crisis of all time! I ended up thinking myself into depression. I just laid there thinking about how Phil could be dying at that hospital, those men could decide either one of us at any moment, they could decide to kill the pair of us in the end anyway. I just kept thinking and thinking until I started sobbing and sobbing. I was just sobbing uncontrollably at that point. My whole world had come crashing around me today and I just laid there and watched it all crumble.

Then I finally drifted off... The dreams were more confusing than reality.

Everything was all black, I couldn't find my way. I couldn't see or feel anything. I felt so lost and scared. I felt so abandoned. I didn't know how to cope with it all. I started crying, my tears felt thick and that's when a small circle surrounding me turned white with light. My tears were mixing with my blood from the cuts on my arms. My arms were covered in cuts that were all too familiar. Suddenly in the distance, I saw another circle of light and someone standing under it as I was here. I couldn't see who it was but I recognized their voice as they called out to me.

"Daniel! Daniel don't! Please don't do this to yourself again! I need my brother! Don't do it!"

"Adrian?!" I yelled out, realizing it was the voice of my kid brother.

The light over him went out and another one appeared, but yet again I couldn't make out who it was until I heard their voice.

"Ha! Die emo fagg! Go drink bleach!" echoed the voice of the boy who beat me up my whole life until uni.

"Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!" I put my hands over my ears.

Yet again the light went out and two new ones appeared.

"Daniel, you need to try harder if you're ever going to get anywhere in life." said my father.

"You're such a disappointment. Such a poor role model for Adrian." said my mother.

"Mum! Dad! I'll try harder, I swear! Just don't send me away! Please! Don't separate us again!" I screamed out to them, repeating the words that came out of my mouth the first time they said this to me when I was 16.

All the lights except mine went away again. I could hear the sounds of the first video I ever saw on Phil's YouTube channel. As he kept talking the blood on my arms faded away, so did the cuts, the scars, my tears. All washed away by Phil. Suddenly the video stopped playing and a new light appeared. I thought it was Phil but he was so far away.

"Phil? Phil is that you? Please turn around! Phil, please! I need you! Please don't turn your back on me too! Don't abandon me like everyone else did! Please" I screamed, tears streaming down my face.

He suddenly was right in front of me, covered in blood. "You couldn't save me, Dan. I needed you to save me. You failed me. You killed me."

"No.. No. No! NO! This isn't real! This isn't real! This isn't real!" I screamed at myself. I scratched at myself. I pulled at my hair. I hated myself.

...

Then I woke up.