The Lev n Fax Saga

Part Four

It was a conversation several weeks in the making. By all rights they ought to have had it the first night. Instead they had finished their milk in silence, and then gone to bed. Neither had wanted to ruin the tenuous peace they had, curled together with foreheads touching and legs tangled like nothing was wrong.

They'd fallen asleep easily, too easy, as if they hadn't wanted to think about it. The next morning had been awkward, at first, but they'd settled into a tense sort of mockery of their usual mornings. It had gotten easier, but Fax continued to hesitate instead of his usual absent touches, and Lev had never really been one to initiate.

If not that first night, they should have said something in the morning. The tense, halting interactions should have been sign enough for them to be spurred into talking, but instead, the bit their tongues and let the brittle air around them ease into something else. It wasn't better exactly, just more a half step off balance instead of a completely off kilter.

The first time they almost, almost, had the talk that had been brewing was actually that second night. They'd lain in the dark, listening to each other breathe, and feeling that disconnect with every moment that passed.

Fax, for once, couldn't go to sleep, and Lev, for once, had been the one to suggest they turn in early. It was all off, but was it really? It was such a little thing. And so Lev had crawled into bed, and Fax had followed, and Lev had stretched out, face hidden in the pillow, and Fax had stayed sitting up, trying not to stare at Lev's back. He'd failed at that, and eventually he'd failed at keeping his hands to himself too. Lev had flinched, at the first touch, a full body hitch that made them both freeze. Lev had wanted to ask then, but all he'd done was burrow deeper into the pillow, and then deliberately relaxed. And so Lev had fallen asleep while Fax ran his fingers along Lev's back, memorizing every inch of the scarring. It felt a little like a punishment for them both, and still they didn't say anything.

The second chance had later that night. Or maybe it was early in the morning. Unable to sleep, Fax had finally slid out of bed, and stepped outside. He pretended that his hands weren't shaking as he pulled out a cigarette and lit it with a single tap of his finger. He'd leaned against the porch railing, as if clinging to that would give him stability. He'd called Lev a coward, all those weeks ago, and Lev had turned around and done this for him. Lev, who panicked over paper cuts, and cried when one of the kittens nicked him with their claws. And no, it didn't... fix the fact that Lev had led to all of that pain, but Lev should never have felt like he needed to let this happen to him. He should have run, like Fax had expected him to.

Lev had woken the moment Fax had left, and though it had taken him several minutes to work up the courage, he'd followed Fax outside. Fax either hadn't heard him, or hadn't wanted to say anything, because he didn't turn around from where he leaned against the porch railing, cigarette burning, but not once taking a drag. Lev had meant to say something, he really had, because it hurt to see the tension in Fax's shoulders. In the end Lev had only walked forward and wrapped his arms around Fax's chest. He could feel Fax's tension ease away as he buried his nose in the back of Fax's neck. They stood like that for a long time, breathing in each others' presence.

Lev had wanted to ask about the cigarettes. Fax hadn't smoked any while they were together, not since Lev had halfway moved in with him all those months ago. Had it really ben a year? Maybe longer. Things blurred, and Lev no longer knew.

Questions burned on the tip of Lev's tongue, but Fax turned around, cigarette spent, long before Lev had worked up the courage to speak, and so they'd gone unanswered as Fax pressed a chaste kiss to Lev's forehead. That had been enough to halt any questions where they were. So instead, Lev had whispered, "Come back to bed. Please?"